November??

Well, been trying to get an update up for the last week and what do you know, it still hasn’t happened. Anyway, I’m still feeling upset, which should not be unusual considering it all, but I’ve also come to a realization that I don’t want to do it anymore. Now I’m not going to be stupid and say I’m never dating again and have to eat my words 2 years down the road, but honestly, I don’t want to do it anymore. I was with someone that I cared deeply for. I let down a lot of walls and protections that I had had in place, and I let myself open up and trust the things he was saying and telling me…including the talk about the future, which when it came up, seemed to be way too much for the period of time we had been together. But for whatever reason, I let him convince me this was the way it was and was going to continue. He seemed to think he had found everything he wanted…we had just had a discussion about it before his last trip in fact. How I needed to realize he was doing some of the things he was doing because it was going to be great for the future…it was for us. There were still things I wasn’t sure on, but I had a lot of what I would want in someone and I was sure that what was missing would come. If he loved me as much as he said, there was no way it wouldn’t come right? But guess I was wrong about it, and all I know is that I have no interest in pursuing something new down the road. Let’s face it, first dates, really not a lot of fun. In fact dating in general I have been known to deem similar to the waterboarding being discussed right now…in fact I think I’d rather go through waterboarding than dating…think about it, you are out with someone that you are trying to impress while at the same time trying to figure out if you want to see again, it’s a situation of judgment on both parts, who knows what will come of it and all the games that go with it. Can’t call right after the date, that seems desperate right? Have to wait x days to go out again as you don’t want to give the wrong impression…it’s what I liked about L…what drew me in…there were no games. He said he was going to call, he called. He liked me and was quite vocal about it. When he told me he loved me, it freaked me out, but I got over that and realized I felt the same…it was just something that happened, and it was good and that just doesn’t happen for me…it’s the first time in 9 years that something happened that easily…anyway, enough on that…

Last week was an OK workout week. I weight trained for 25 minutes 3 days, I made my goal run 5 days and I hit 26 miles. Another couple of weeks and I’ll be back to the 6 days or so a week running and 30-40 miles that I was enjoying. Only problem is, even seeing the chiro like I have been, and doing the exercises that I need to, I’m still not having the results I wanted/hoped for…and I’m getting so down and frustrated about that…lost my boyfriend and running still isn’t what it should be. Seems very unfair.

Love Really is a 4 Letter Word

And that isn't a good thing. The panic came back. And this time it wasn’t a quick and painless resolution. Friday the weekend was looking so great, I booked my flight to visit my friends in Idaho, one of my best friends in the world, and person who I miss desperately, particularly now cause I know she’d be a big help/relief to me if she were only in town. I also had those Viking tickets, had determined my sister would be the one to come with me as even though we aren’t that close most times, we do have fun on the occasions we do hang out. I invited her to the game, she was going out with friends on Saturday for Halloween and invited me along and we all went out and had some fun, even though there were some issues going on in the back of my mind…finally ended up talking to L, to see if we could stay at his place since we were downtown, we hadn’t had plans for the weekend (which was part of the panic as we had had some issues but were working on them and suddenly things seemed weird again) but we got to his place and he and I started talking and a few hours later we were broken up…I was a little drunk and don’t remember every single thing we discussed, he was drinking as well, and some things that were brought up really should not have been, but it came down to some things that still I don’t get. While he had been talking longer term, and I was starting to believe it, suddenly he doesn’t see it working longer term and I still am left not knowing why. It’s only been 6 months, there are things you push through and work on, but the couple things I wanted he just didn’t have the energy to give…I guess the overall comes to he just doesn’t love me enough. What sucks is it took me longer to figure out, but I do love him, and it hurts and I’m feeling lost, after being so long out of a relationship and so happy with being single, and loving my life the way it was, I had this come to me, something I wasn’t really looking for, something I wasn’t expecting to find, and then it’s gone. I’m thinking of all the things we talked about doing, all the things that were in the works or talked about and all the little things that I’m going to miss…you know how it goes, the things you would’ve done differently had you known this was going to be the last time. I’m not even one for cuddling, but I want one more night to just snuggle in each others arms…and I know there were issues, I wasn’t getting what I needed/wanted from him that I wasn’t probably ever going to get, but now it doesn’t feel like it’s that important, I just want things to have worked out…and hearing from those close to me that I’ll find someone else, that I deserve what I wasn’t getting, that I’m a great person, etc…and you know what, I don’t want it. I don’t want to date again, I don’t want to get to know someone new, I don’t want to go through all the questions you have to ask, finding out the new things about someone else…I liked where we were getting to, the bit of history there and the more history we were building…and it hurts. Especially since my guard had been up for so long…it took time, but he wore away most of my guard and there was so much that now is lost. The idea of running Boston with him for fun the way we were going to, he was talking about an Ironman and the idea was crossing my mind…it’s all gone…