In Memory Of...

Marilyn Winifred Diemer
May 19, 1920 – August 25, 2009

Beloved grandmother, sister, mother and friend…you will be deeply missed.

You know when the phone rings at 10:55 on a Tuesday night it’s not going to be good news (unless you have a friend that is pregnant and due around that time). I have a new cell and wasn’t able to hear it ring, but I heard my mom’s voice begging me to pick up from my answering machine…I get the phone and she’s sobbing, voice cracking and telling me something…I heard hospital, ambulance, something about heart…but I didn’t catch the first part. She’s saying my name and asking me if I heard her and I said yes, but missed the first part and could she repeat it…she tells me “grandma Diemer passed away”…and while I already felt that was what she was going to tell me, it wasn’t till then that I lost it. Amazing how you can deny everything until you actually hear the words. My dad then came on the line, and by now I’m sobbing and he can’t understand me. He tells me something about someone saying grandma had said she was tired…and that was about the time she left us. The didn’t know if maybe it was a heart attack, all I recall saying was “I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye.” Dad had to go, mom had begged me to call my sister who was already informed and go over there, that I shouldn’t be alone…but I wanted to be alone. I spent some time crying and did finally sleep. Where I dreamt what I had been told was wrong, that grandma wasn’t gone…wasn’t helpful. I got up and got ready for work, started throwing things in a bag thinking I should head to my parents after work, but not knowing what was going on, I stopped and instead just tried to focus on the day. The funeral is set for Saturday, my brother, sister and I are driving down in a little while. Instead of helping a friend celebrate her birthday this weekend, I’m going to be burying my grandmother.

I’m not ready to be in a world without her in it. I mainly went to visit my parents to see her. Mom and dad are here enough that I see them regularly. My other grandma, well, I love her and feel guilty that I’m not as close to her, but it’s reality, I’m simply not as close to her as I am, was, my other grandmother…It probably comes from the fact that I was 5th in line of 15 grandkids on that side and there are only 6 on the other side, and I was first, and was the only one for 5 ½ years. I was very close to grandpa, who died just before I turned 15, and then that carried over to grandma more so then as I got older. My mom used to drag me out to see great grandma and visit with her most Sunday’s when I was younger, that was her mom’s mom, so it carried tradition too cause when I was home I was out visiting grandma. She was the one I went to when I needed to borrow some money for college, I regularly wrote her letters (OK, I was making loan payments too but even after I was writing to her) and grandma was just the one I loved going to see because I knew she was always very happy to see me. We’d most times come up with some lunch combination when there, and I cooked and fed her some of my creations that she would get excited about. I’d share all the mundane things in my life with her, and sometimes she’d hear it before mom and dad even. She was so much more than just a grandma and I'm going to miss her very much. I know she was feeling down, and was probably ready. She spent almost 50 years with my grandpa before he died of a massive heart attack, she's lost a lot of friends recently...but I still thought I had time. There are things even now that I wish I had asked her, and that I won't ever have the answers to now. I won't ever get to hug her again. And I never quite remembered to show her my Boston medal, as I had forgotten to bring it home, then forgotten to show it. There just never is enough time for those that have that special place in our hearts. Christmas is going to be so difficult this year.

I love you grandma. And wherever you are, I hope you are happy and with the loved ones you lost.

Frustration…Resolved in 7

"It hurts up to a point and then it doesn't get any worse." - Ann Trason

So after the heel feeling OK after the 10 days rest and all that, I ran last Sunday easy, 2 miles, then biked two days, then ran Wednesday (thought I was short but maybe I wasn’t on the 3 I had mapped) and it felt good. Was going to run yesterday but weather forecast had today as better so I waited, and only biked yesterday and the heel was sore yesterday, and today…but I said enough. I’m tired of this and I don’t want to deal with it anymore. So I iced it, then I threw on running clothes and headed out. I think I had planned an easy 4…well, into the run, heel wasn’t really bothering (I have to reiterate here that I’ve never felt major pain, just a bruised feeling, kind of like I stepped really hard with it on a stone and it bruised) and as the run went on, it wasn’t hurt. Only thing that was is my cardio. My cardio has always been what keeps me going, or what tells me that I could keep going, my body, muscles, mainly legs, have always been the failure…fatigued…but the biking is building up the leg strength I think, and some of the light strength I’ve been doing, so now my cardio is down, but I’m going to build it back up because I decided today enough with the injury and I’m just going to run. Now I’m going to be smart about. I have been on light duty for 3 weeks so I’ll not run again till Tuesday, then every other day if I can manage it away (work trip this week) and slow build back on the mileage (hope to be back to 40 miles a week by end of May). Today I ran 7…and I averaged an 8:23 pace. Somehow. Maybe cardio isn’t THAT bad (this was just an easy run). I had one mile, fairly hilly one even, at 8:12 pace…and I hit the zone…that magical runner’s high place…and I went with it. That was in between miles 5 and 6…I just took off, and my legs were flying, and I felt detached from my body, and while I was only able to feel that for a few seconds before cardio gave out and I had to slow down, but still it felt simply…wonderful…

Grandma is meeting with her surgeon on the day after Mother’s day. She’s home. With an oxygen tank…hopefully all is good and things are fine for promoting surgery for her and that goes easy. I wish she would find out sooner but the surgeon is a busy man. I heart the internet…I searched him out on the hospital he works for. He’s the head of the cardiology department there. And he did his cardio thoracic residency at Johns Hopkins. If grandma has to have surgery, I want her to have the best surgeon…and he seems to be good.

Also…spring, that elusive season is finally rearing it’s head big time. Sun is out (after it looked to be a bleary day) and it’s at or close to 70. I cleaned up my balcony after my run. Cleared out the planters of the dead stuff that froze before I got it outlast year. I swept and washed the windows and now I’m sitting on my comfy chair, typing this and reading a book…soaking up the sun in a tank top and shorts. Have I mentioned that I love spring?

TGIF?

April Showers Bring May Flowers.

It’s raining out. So I had to say it again…it is a good thing. I honestly like rain…nothing better than a nice run in the rain (when it’s not freezing out of course), or to curl up and take a nice nap while listening to the sounds of the rain falling…but for whatever reason, today my mood is not up. I don’t know what’s wrong. I don’t know why…but it seems the last few Fridays I’ve been just dealing with a real down feeling. Yes, I know, it’s weird for it to happen on Friday, but it has. And today is no exception. I don’t know how to get around it, and I’m trying to keep with the positives for the month, but even with good stuff (like a work related trip and vacation next week) I still seem to have something going on. Perhaps it’s an approaching date that sometimes does cause me anxiety these days. I don’t know. I’m also probably partly down from the lack of running. Not meaning that I’m down because I can’t run (but yes, I am upset that I can’t run more because I’ve wanted to) but because without running, I don’t get that endorphin boost that can make me stay and hold happy. Yes, I’ve been biking and doing other workouts, but while I sweat on the bike, I don’t get that cardio burn, that freedom feeling that I do from running…

Anyway, no updates on grandma recently. She was hoping to meet with the surgeon today, but I don’t know if that has happened or not. I’m thinking maybe it did because I have not heard from my mom today and usually I’d have an email (at least a response to the one I sent).

Oh, and I’m officially entered into the Twin Cities Marathon. Hoping for perfect temps, no wind and no injury on October 5th so I can run my best ever!! I’m also in the Coral I start, so only 2100 runners and the elites with potential to be in front of me (and they are all fast as well!!) at the start, so should get running pace right away.

Spring?

Expect to have hope rekindled. Expect your prayers to be answered in wondrous ways. The dry seasons in life do not last. The spring rains will come again. - Sarah Ban Breathnach

Maybe...dare I say? Spring may have just
FINALLY come to Minnesota...but I'm scared that now that I iterated that, that it may all go away!! Plenty of positive thinking though brought temps in the 60s and sun too!! So after work (I was exhausted this morning and slept past my date at the gym, sure hope I didn't miss hottie!) I drove to the gym, put on shorts and a short sleeved top (yes first run in both!!). I went for about 3 miles. I had mapped it ahead of time and still think it might have been a little short since my time frame for it would point to 8 minute or so miles and it didn't feel fast. Heel has a little soreness but not even to the degree I felt it Sunday after the run, so I think I'm on the mend. I'm planning to take two days off running again and do it again on Saturday, maybe for 4 miles. Then Monday or Tuesday of next week and we'll see about the rest of it since I'm out of town for part of next week.

Grandma is home today, on a restricted diet that she doesn't like (lower salt and cholesterol of course) and hopefully she'll be seeing the surgeon this week and we'll have more answers on what is going on and what they might need to do.

I met with a friend last night and had a nice chat and in a couple of weeks I'm excited to be going to the theater again. I haven't been in something like 10 years...yeah...must be, my ex (before L last summer that is) and I had tickets with others and he and I broke up and my cousin came instead. What's kind of interesting is I hadn't seen him in 8 years and talked to him in longer than that (he was at a couple of things I was at and we didn't say a word to each other at those events), anyway, I found him someplace and sent a hi...he responded back...he has a 5 and 3 year old now...that's just weird to think of, because technically, that might have been me. I had thought he and I might get married and probably would have had kids (it wouldn't have been right, but everyone else I knew was getting married at the time, figured he and I would do it too). It just gets weird how things turn out sometimes.

Don't Forget Tax Day!!

All the wonders you seek are within yourself.-Sir Thomas Brown

Just wanted to type up a quick update that hopefully I’ll be able to get up tonight. I wanted to still keep with the 30 days of positive and I know next week I’ll most likely miss a couple since I’m on a work travel thing (more on that at another time).

Update on grandma is that the cardiologist is recommending surgery. Grandma is willing to consider it and they will meet with a surgeon this week and find out more. If she opts for it, they will do more tests to find out what more besides a valve replacement might be necessary (hopefully that’s it). She’s much stronger now, fluid is almost gone from her lungs which is good news. I wish the surgery wasn’t a necessity, but I did find out more about the surgeon and he did his cardio thoracic residency at Johns Hopkins, which to me says something. I’ll most likely be making a trip down to see her and my aunt who is home from Alaska right now, this weekend. My mom thinks I should get together with my sister to do the drive, which would be nice to have someone to ride with, we’ll see.

In other news…heel…kind of the same. It’s a little sore, but not terrible. I did 20 minutes on the bike warm up, 15 minutes strength and 10 minutes ab work and other things and then back on the bike for a 30 minute workout (no hottie today, was a sad day!) and then to work. I couldn’t get to sleep last night (maybe because I went to bed around 10:30 on Saturday night and slept till 8:15/8:30 and laid in bed till 9 on Sunday morning!) and didn’t get a great night and tonight supposed to go out to dinner for a work thing. I’m contemplating bagging that partly because I just want to go home and veg and partly because I don’t want the temptation of eating a bad for me dinner!! We’ll see what happens.

Running

In the hopes that one of these days spring will come (the forecast does show upper 50s into the 60s this week, I'll believe it when I see it!!) I'm posting a picture of tuplips...if I wasn't feeling so lazy right now I'd get up and take a picture of the ones I bought at Trader Joe's today (they are this color) and brought into the house to make it more spring like.

Anyway, today was D day...I had set today to get out and try a run. I decided I would do it at the gym, softer surface and guaranteed weather. Anyway, I had gotten up today with no discomfort again, so figured it was a good trial day. I started off first mile very slowly, and it felt great to be running again. I sped up on the second mile and while I felt like maybe I was noticing something, it was more of an "well, is it hurting or not" kind of thing than a yes, it's definitely complaining to me. I stopped at 2 miles, not wanting to push things too much and I jumped on the bike for an addition 45 minutes of cardio. I had already done a core workout and some yoga at home while watching Eragon (I've recently signed up on a trial deal with HBO so catching up on some things I haven't seen as of yet). After the workout I was feeling heel was bothering slightly, but not terribly. I swung by Trader Joe's on my way home too and picked up some pasta with flax and a pineapple and a few other items (including dark chocolate covered soybeans that sound healthy and yet an indulgence!!) and came home and made myself a very healthy dinner of this pasta with flax, spaghetti sauce (homemade with only a little meat, very low in fat and full of yummy for me stuff), a salad of spinach and romaine and a side of really good fruit (had forgotten about the strawberries and raspberries I bought yesterday and cut up and included some pineapple too). I'm really trying to get better. Right now I'm reading Performance Nutrition for Runners by Matt Fitzgerald and finding some very interesting yet sound advice as opposed to so much other stuff that's out there.

Anyway, little update on grandma. She's feeling better and getting over the pneumonia, but there is a meeting with the cardiologist tomorrow, basically to discuss what damage there is (she's had a leaky heart valve) and what they can do...I'm worried, but trying to keep optimistic about it.

Every dark cloud has a silver lining.

You do have to look for the good in things to find the positives right?? This morning (like yesterday) I didn’t want to get up, but I did, and I opted to bike for a warm up as I decided elliptical still has me on my feet which I should be staying off of and let my foot heal right? So I got on a bike to warm up before strength, and in case he showed up, tried to maneuver into a place hottie might go…but unfortunately it was kind of busy and at some point I looked over and became aware he had shown up, but unfortunately was a couple down from me…ah well. I did 5 more minutes that I would’ve for warm up and then went and did abs, hoping maybe he was strength training and was just warming up too (unfortunately not) and then went and lifted…and at one point I was able to see that he chose today to work. Of all times, when I can’t (but would’ve been) running…sigh…I’m wondering if he might be hurt or something though as he seemed to walk quite slowly (you can see the track from part of the weight floor, yes, I’m keeping tabs on him, but was watching in the mirrors so he couldn’t have known!!). Anyway, he happened to be heading to the locker room when I was going to grab my book and go back up for the rest of my workout on the bike…sigh…I SOOO wanted to follow him into the boys’ locker room…am I terrible??
On another note. I had some worrisome news today, but I’m trying to put something positive on it. My grandma was admitted to the hospital with pneumonia. Thankfully her normal doctor wasn’t there. My mom has been saying that this doctor seems to not really have a clue and just be offering whatever drug some company has given him. Anyway, the doctor she has now has her on antibiotics and is planning to keep her a week to get her medications sorted out. She has been having some back/hip pain and/or not getting around well and her other doctor pushed a cortisone shot and that’s about all he did for her. This doctor is wanting to try something more, including therapy (which grandma doesn’t like that idea, but I think it will help her). The other thing I found out that has me most worried is apparently her heart valve is leaking, and she’s too weak for surgery. So I’m hoping, that the pneumonia is a blessing and that it got her under the care of a doctor who is going to fix her meds and do something better for her. Please, if you believe in some higher power (and even if you don’t, just send some positive thoughts) keep her in your prayers. Grandma turns 89 in a month and I still have trouble thinking that’s really that age. She may walk a bit slower than she used to, but she’s still with it and very feisty. When I’m visiting my parents, I spend a lot of time with grandma (last time I was out just after breakfast and didn’t leave till well after lunch, which I cooked for us).