In Defense...of Self?

Why the need to defend myself? Why the need to create excuses? Why the need to hide? You’d think I’m committing a crime. What is all this related to? Eating. Yes. The evil horrible thing that people do, don’t do, or try to hide how they do it. I’m getting so frustrated at always having to defend myself. I right now am ten pounds heavier than I should be, or that I want to be, either or, it doesn’t matter I weigh more than I want to and I don’t like it and something needs to change, but I can’t make a comment about it for the backlash I get from people that “oh you don’t have to lose weight”…

However, I’ve been trying to be better, trying to diet (could be all the snacking I’ve been doing that is causing me to gain weight…I know that, I’m not dumb!) and drop some weight and be healthier. I’m reading a book that has me bothered…Good Calories, Bad Calories…now I’m reading it with a little skepticism because the guy is a big Atkins follower, so he’s very anti-carb (or so I’ve heard) but there are things in it, information we follow, based on studies that are pretty bogus…and that scares me…really it’s now a matter of who do I believe and trust and what should I eat? So I’m trying to go more natural, and more healthy…the biggest culprit of course I know is sugar. Sugar no matter who you listen to should be limited so I’m really trying there. In fact knowing I needed to break the habit, I realized Lent was coming up, and fallen away Catholic that I am, I rarely follow the code and give something up, or even skip the meat during Friday’s…but I decided since I was trying to break sugar anyway, I would use this time to give up sweets…that’s right….and I’m writing it here, even though I’m doubting anyone is even checking in anymore I’ve barely written. And part of the reason though, is when I have to pass on sweets etc, I can use the “it’s Lent and I gave up sweets for Lent” and people will understand. Just trying to be healthy I’d get flack for, but telling people I gave it up for Lent…well that’s OK. It sucks.

Of course I know I’m weak so I had to make a few exceptions, I know myself and I know I can’t just give up sweets and be done. They are too ingrained in me, but for the next 40 days (Sunday’s don’t count, although this week my Sunday is Saturday cause I have the Food and Wine Show in town and there are lots of dessert places that are there and I want to enjoy the day that I paid a lot to attend!). Overall I am not going to eat candy or most other sweets…the exception I put in is “healthy” sweets…and cookies well, those even have limits. If I have a cookie, it’s the Kashi ones or my homemade oatmeal ones with flax, wheat flour and low sugar. The other slight exceptions are healthy sugared cereals, of which there are two that fit what I’m doing, Special K Chocolate and Trader Joe’s Honey Nut O’s…OK, this is giving me what seems like a lot of outs, but really it’s not that much (and partly the cereals made it because well, I have some in the house I don’t want going bad!!), and I’m doing what I can to make this work and be able to stick to it. Also, it’s not the unlimited eat the whole box of cereal in a sitting like I’ve been doing, but only one serving a day and think of all that is out…candy bars, cake, ice cream, desserts...yesterday the only sugar I had other than two pieces of fruit were the Kashi cookie after lunch and a slice of banana bread…I think that’s pretty darn good, considering my last 4 classes all I ate was candy the entire night. I’m hoping this cutting of sugar will help though with the ten pounds I need to take off. Thing is, I am at the point, hence my opening rant, where I get frustrated because people make or choose to make comments about my health habits etc…I eat eggbeaters and wheat toast for breakfast everyday. Usually when I’m getting lunch I have things like healthy popcorn or fruit I’m getting out of the fridge in the cafeteria…and I hear comments about it. They aren’t anything bad, they are meant in fun, but when it’s practically everyday it gets frustrating and I am tired of just grinning and bearing it…but I continue to do so. People learn I’m a runner and think that must mean I’m super healthy and I’m far from it, but I want to be better and I hate that that gets me more flack than the people that eat out of the vending machine everyday…or those that bring crap for meals…or those that eat the donuts every Friday (and I’ve been known to eat those donuts…this Friday will be my first real test and that’s the other part of my rant, because of this image people have, I have to avoid the donuts or hear about it, so I sneak them and then it makes me feel like I am doing something wrong, how awful is that…sneak in when no one is in there so I can get one…). It’s all very frustrating. I’m sorry, if I don’t comment on your eating habits and the crap you do to your body, why can you comment on my healthy habits and give me flack about it?