In Memory Of...

Marilyn Winifred Diemer
May 19, 1920 – August 25, 2009

Beloved grandmother, sister, mother and friend…you will be deeply missed.

You know when the phone rings at 10:55 on a Tuesday night it’s not going to be good news (unless you have a friend that is pregnant and due around that time). I have a new cell and wasn’t able to hear it ring, but I heard my mom’s voice begging me to pick up from my answering machine…I get the phone and she’s sobbing, voice cracking and telling me something…I heard hospital, ambulance, something about heart…but I didn’t catch the first part. She’s saying my name and asking me if I heard her and I said yes, but missed the first part and could she repeat it…she tells me “grandma Diemer passed away”…and while I already felt that was what she was going to tell me, it wasn’t till then that I lost it. Amazing how you can deny everything until you actually hear the words. My dad then came on the line, and by now I’m sobbing and he can’t understand me. He tells me something about someone saying grandma had said she was tired…and that was about the time she left us. The didn’t know if maybe it was a heart attack, all I recall saying was “I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye.” Dad had to go, mom had begged me to call my sister who was already informed and go over there, that I shouldn’t be alone…but I wanted to be alone. I spent some time crying and did finally sleep. Where I dreamt what I had been told was wrong, that grandma wasn’t gone…wasn’t helpful. I got up and got ready for work, started throwing things in a bag thinking I should head to my parents after work, but not knowing what was going on, I stopped and instead just tried to focus on the day. The funeral is set for Saturday, my brother, sister and I are driving down in a little while. Instead of helping a friend celebrate her birthday this weekend, I’m going to be burying my grandmother.

I’m not ready to be in a world without her in it. I mainly went to visit my parents to see her. Mom and dad are here enough that I see them regularly. My other grandma, well, I love her and feel guilty that I’m not as close to her, but it’s reality, I’m simply not as close to her as I am, was, my other grandmother…It probably comes from the fact that I was 5th in line of 15 grandkids on that side and there are only 6 on the other side, and I was first, and was the only one for 5 ½ years. I was very close to grandpa, who died just before I turned 15, and then that carried over to grandma more so then as I got older. My mom used to drag me out to see great grandma and visit with her most Sunday’s when I was younger, that was her mom’s mom, so it carried tradition too cause when I was home I was out visiting grandma. She was the one I went to when I needed to borrow some money for college, I regularly wrote her letters (OK, I was making loan payments too but even after I was writing to her) and grandma was just the one I loved going to see because I knew she was always very happy to see me. We’d most times come up with some lunch combination when there, and I cooked and fed her some of my creations that she would get excited about. I’d share all the mundane things in my life with her, and sometimes she’d hear it before mom and dad even. She was so much more than just a grandma and I'm going to miss her very much. I know she was feeling down, and was probably ready. She spent almost 50 years with my grandpa before he died of a massive heart attack, she's lost a lot of friends recently...but I still thought I had time. There are things even now that I wish I had asked her, and that I won't ever have the answers to now. I won't ever get to hug her again. And I never quite remembered to show her my Boston medal, as I had forgotten to bring it home, then forgotten to show it. There just never is enough time for those that have that special place in our hearts. Christmas is going to be so difficult this year.

I love you grandma. And wherever you are, I hope you are happy and with the loved ones you lost.

Ragnar Relay

So after my experience last year (put in link) of running the NW Passage Ragnar Series relay, I thought it’d be a good time running the one near home. Over the past year I’ve been talking to people, mentioning it and trying to get a team together. I know enough people now that it wasn’t as unfeasible to round them up as I might have otherwise thought. I had a few people from the Runner’s World Forums join up, a friend from college at the U of MN, a friend from college at Mankato and then each of them had friends and rounded it out with a friend that I met at a race and is part of yet another running club…so 12 of us officially registered and waivers signed by mid-July and while there were a few injury scares, everyone came to the start line pretty much injury free. Aches and pains along the way, but things were good for the most part. We even had an extra volunteer after having trouble lining people up!! As we punched in times for people, we realized we had a strong chance at being a contender for placing too…who knew? Our start time was set for 3 pm, the later you start the faster you are, and Van 1, consisting of me and 5 guys (yes, it was a weird set up with that, but that happens to be how it played out with the way the legs were laid out and keeping people together that kind of knew each other and having stronger runners on harder legs etc). We met up at the guys house who had the van and drove down to the start in Winona. We headed out on time and stopped for lunch at Subway on the way down. Got to the start plenty early, got our shirts, were checked in and killed time before the start. Watching the start was fun, I hadn’t done that last time, and then we were off to cheer and catch and swap runners. For those unfamiliar with the relay concept, this is a 194.4 mile race. You have 12 runners (or the ultras will have 6) and 2 vans. The first 6 run the first 6 legs, then you swap vans and eat or sleep in the ‘down time’ while the other van runs. This happens 3 times for a total of 36 legs and each runner doing 3. I was runner 4 and my leg was a harder one since it was almost 8 miles, it was during the day and had a pretty long climb up part of it, thankfully it wasn’t steep. I went out expecting to hopefully run around an 8:30 pace, that’s what I projected for myself and managed to run a 7:45…with others all running hard by the time we met Van 2 at the exchange 6 area we were about 17 minutes ahead of our projected time. My parents had come to see me at my first exchange and cheered me at a couple of spots along the way, which was fun…the dogs were there barking for me too. They were at the finish as well. Funny thing is mom had said I should run it in an hour, I came in just over a minute over that hour so guess she was predicting right. After we passed off to Van 2, we drove to an area to get a bite and watch some of the Vikings game, then headed on to exchange 12 so we could take a little nap before. We had Van 2 call us to let us know when they were getting close and being a little off we were not able to get much of a nap (except one of the guys, he was sawing logs pretty quickly and loudly, and we were outside!!). It was nice weather though, cool, but not so bad we were freezing and it was a very clear night, lots of stars.

Well, I was off on when Van 2 should find us, so we were up sooner than we planned and are now 30 minutes ahead of schedule. They come in, and we get back to work doing our runs, passing off our runners. This leg was my night run. I hadn’t worn a headlamp before, but definitely preferred it for the 6 miles I was running vs carrying a flashlight. It being dark I could only really see Garmin during the splits it fed back to me…and I was off a mile…it was sad when I saw mile 4 come up when I thought I was at mile 5. This also had us off on a side road for about 3 miles, so not on the highway, but it was darker, no shoulder and kind of freaky…I had to remind myself that Michael Meyers and Jason were not real and pray that some freak wasn’t out there watching for lone girls running in the dark…I was doing a pretty good clip here. I had myself down to run a 7:38 pace, and finished the 6 miles Garmin told me I ran (5.9 according to Ragnar) in about 46 minutes…so a 7:41 which was just over my goal. I was tired but happy at the end and winded enough to not quite figure out where Don, who I was passing off to, was standing. Our next two runners finished and we passed off to the other van and headed to Stillwater which was our next big exchange and were we hoped to see our 2 volunteers and take a nap. We did get there in time to see the volunteers and laid down by the river and slept as the sun came up. I was out for an hour, had a false alarm that Van 2 might be close but then slept another 45 minutes and came out feeling refreshed enough to be ready to run again. Our van came in, runner came in and we were off again. Our first runner had a short leg, only 3.1 miles and he had a new PR for that distance on his leg. Our second runner had a decent one and number 3 also kicked out much faster than anticipated and it was my turn again. This time for 4.3 miles. It was on a trail, mostly flat, with a climb at the end. I didn’t really fully realize the climb till I got to it. Oh my God I was ready to cry as it kept going and going and going…over a half mile and a climb of about 300 feet which just for translation ideas I think that’s about a 6 on the treadmill slope…I thought I was going to throw up at one point (this was after really wanting to make my projected 7:30, what I was thinking when I set that one I don’t know) after doing a 7:17 on the first mile…I got to the top, had a slight downhill and then more uphill to pass off my final time. Gatorade was brought to me…and then a nice cold beer…so what if it was only 9:30…anyway, Don’s leg was tough, Tom’s last leg, our fastest runner, was somewhat short so he kicked it out fast and we left Van 2 to finish it up while we had a few beers hanging out at the exchange. Headed to the finish finally, had a bit and bought some beer along the way and then hung out till our van got there and we headed to the finish to cross as a team. Team picture, waited around to find out results and unfortunately we were pushed down and finished 5th in our division. It was too bad as we thought we might place, as of the last I knew we were also 16th overall, which isn’t bad considering they had 233 teams registered. Our final time, again not official, was 24:03 or something like that…not bad being able to run 194.4 miles in just over 24 hours…there is talk of an ultra team next year…and we might try to get a competitive girls team if the guys do that…we’ll see. It was definitely another fun time though and anyone that hasn’t done a relay, I highly recommend it.

Lack of Control

Another bit of time passes…maybe someday I’ll catch up! Anyway, been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting and keeping quite busy, which has kept me from blogging much. Might be coming into the new age again though and getting a data phone so I can actually get online from places other than home. Would never do big posts that way but we’ll see.

Anyway, I’m tired of the lack of control to things in my life. I know, I know, life is about things being out of your control, to some degree at least, but there are some things I’m struggling with. I’ve always been strong about some things, weak on others, and I’ve grown in some areas, become stronger. Namely that comes in the dating arena. With my track record, and yeah, maybe my calling it on being single has jinxed some things, and there are lots of times I’ve been perfectly happy, even better off feeling, being single, than I am if I were with someone, but a lot of things have all come together over the past few months and the pendulum has swung again the direction of feeling a little lonely. I’m not sure what triggered it, yes seeing the ex, but there have been other things. Maybe it was being out a few times with someone and actually having a few snuggle times recently…I didn’t used to be a snuggly person, but sometimes lately I’ve been craving it. Maybe it’s having some friends from South America and Latin America, the openness and hugginess that comes from being around them, makes me want to hug friends of mine that are as standoffish about all that as I used to be. Regardless of what the cause, it’s something kind of beyond me too…I have to admit it, once and for all, no matter how strong I feel, and what I say about it all, there is a little part of me, deep down, that really wishes I could find someone to love and love me…to be with, to even walk down the aisle with. There. I said it. Yes, I’d like to be married…I’m at an age where I thought I’d be celebrating heck, 5, 10 years by now…and no, all I have to show for the last 10 is a showing of a few dates here and there, mostly not, and a 6 month failed relationship…I need to face facts and since I can’t actually say, I want to get married and have it happen, the part I have the control over is saying I’m never going to marry, and accept that. Along with the dating thing…I’m tired of dating, tired of the disappointment that comes with liking a guy and realizing that he’s not quite right, or having him realize you aren’t quite right…it’s disheartening so many times over. I saw the life that maybe could’ve been mine…and I’ve had something recently…well, basically figured out that the guy I want to be with, the guy that I’ve really thought didn’t exist, in fact does exist…no, not my perfect by any means guy, there are some things that don’t factor in if I was creating him from scratch, but he’s real, and the imperfections are acceptable…in general he would be what I’d want. Problem is, I met him about 6 or 7 years too late…see, he’s with someone else. Not just dating. No, they had the ceremony and are bound together. It makes me sad. Particularly since some things have indicated to me that he might, were he free, be interested too. So, that all said…the fact that it’s been flung into my face in that way, I take as a sign from above that I should stop being out there, stop considering it all, stop thinking about the idea of being with someone…because the indication to me in this one is that someone is saying “hey, you are right in what you are thinking…all the good ones ARE taken, so give it up.” And with that said…I close the door on it and am done. Dating sucks and the pool is dry. I’ve always believed there isn’t someone for everyone, I never thought I was one of those.

Now this post might sound depressing…yes, I’m a bit saddened by it, and this little part of me wants to wish for a divorce (it’s not out of the question as she said things to me long ago that indicated it might be going that way, and this was before I even really knew much about him and found that he could be someone I’d like to be with, some things he has said, although he loves her still and isn’t moving to leave, and something an outside source said to me about it not lasting…none of them having any idea of how I felt on any side of it) but I know I can’t. I want him to be happy and he loves her, so I really hope for his sake that the things not working will fix themselves and he can be happy…and I really do honestly mean that. It’d be too complicated even if he were single anyway…so hopefully the things they had agreed to, and she promised and has changed, she’ll realize and work harder to be back to what had been a happy time for both of them and not something making them both miserable. Anyway, while I’m sad, it also hopefully will eventually free me from some of the misery that comes in dating. There are things I will miss…the idea of never kissing someone again makes me sad, as that’s something I really like…always have…that feeling that happens when it’s someone you really connect with…and then of course there are other nice things too…but honestly I’m probably too difficult and set in my ways anyway…and I can tell you with this guy, he’d definitely lose interest quickly because I’m just kind of a boring person. I’ve done a lot of the things I wanted to do, even without the cheerleader I’d have loved having alongside me on my way to Boston…my parents are there no matter what. So with that, I say goodbye to the dating world…hopefully I can still find some friends to hang out with once in a while…maybe it’s time to start my cat collection…

And please, no responses back about "you'll find him now when you're not looking" etc...I'm really serious when I say I'm done, I'm not looking for pep talks about it. I'm just trying to take back the control that I don't have and remind myself of things. I have my health, I have good friends and family that support me, I have a job that is decent and I'm learning on and is paying for my education that I've wanted, I ran Boston, I have the ability to travel...I've got a lot going on, it almost seems selfish to worry about the lack of a guy and/or love or whatever anyway.

Reminder to Self

What I Deserve…

• A guy that will put me first
• A guy that is NOT attached to someone else
• A guy who is not just looking for a fling
• A guy who will treat me as good as I would treat him
• A guy who is fit
  
• A guy I find attractive
• A guy who is intelligent
• A guy that will make me smile more than he makes me cry

Why I Deserve this…

• I am intelligent
• I am a good person
• I am financially stable
• I am emotionally stable
• I am attractive
• I am fit
• I have a career
  
• I am told I'm attractive
  

OK…yes, this is something I have to post. I have to see it written as a reminder. It’s also posted on my mirror…and yes, there is reason for it.

Third 20

OK, is it bad that I've done one marathon already this year and only just did my 3rd 20+ run of the year? Yesterday met some friends and did 2 loops of the lakes for right at 20. We were all dying at the hill at mile 18.5 so walked it, and thought about run walking the rest of the way, but I think we all wanted to be done. It was tough and tiring...didn't drink enough water and probably didn't eat enough sharkies/shot blocks or anything I had brought along, but oh well. Survived it. A bit dehydrated though as I went to a party and had a headache that I attributed to dehydration, and being tired...My friend told me I'm never allowed to do 20 miles before one of his parties again. OK...guess that's fair! It was fun though, even though I was exhausted. On the agenda today. Need to run, but probably not till later. Going to get another hour or so of studying then get some lunch and maybe go picnic at the lake with it. Panera is on the way...need to run a few errands too. Maybe I should go look at replacement flooring...need to do that. I have the insurance money for mine that got ruined, now I need to make the arrangements to get it replaced...