Lack of Control

Another bit of time passes…maybe someday I’ll catch up! Anyway, been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting and keeping quite busy, which has kept me from blogging much. Might be coming into the new age again though and getting a data phone so I can actually get online from places other than home. Would never do big posts that way but we’ll see.

Anyway, I’m tired of the lack of control to things in my life. I know, I know, life is about things being out of your control, to some degree at least, but there are some things I’m struggling with. I’ve always been strong about some things, weak on others, and I’ve grown in some areas, become stronger. Namely that comes in the dating arena. With my track record, and yeah, maybe my calling it on being single has jinxed some things, and there are lots of times I’ve been perfectly happy, even better off feeling, being single, than I am if I were with someone, but a lot of things have all come together over the past few months and the pendulum has swung again the direction of feeling a little lonely. I’m not sure what triggered it, yes seeing the ex, but there have been other things. Maybe it was being out a few times with someone and actually having a few snuggle times recently…I didn’t used to be a snuggly person, but sometimes lately I’ve been craving it. Maybe it’s having some friends from South America and Latin America, the openness and hugginess that comes from being around them, makes me want to hug friends of mine that are as standoffish about all that as I used to be. Regardless of what the cause, it’s something kind of beyond me too…I have to admit it, once and for all, no matter how strong I feel, and what I say about it all, there is a little part of me, deep down, that really wishes I could find someone to love and love me…to be with, to even walk down the aisle with. There. I said it. Yes, I’d like to be married…I’m at an age where I thought I’d be celebrating heck, 5, 10 years by now…and no, all I have to show for the last 10 is a showing of a few dates here and there, mostly not, and a 6 month failed relationship…I need to face facts and since I can’t actually say, I want to get married and have it happen, the part I have the control over is saying I’m never going to marry, and accept that. Along with the dating thing…I’m tired of dating, tired of the disappointment that comes with liking a guy and realizing that he’s not quite right, or having him realize you aren’t quite right…it’s disheartening so many times over. I saw the life that maybe could’ve been mine…and I’ve had something recently…well, basically figured out that the guy I want to be with, the guy that I’ve really thought didn’t exist, in fact does exist…no, not my perfect by any means guy, there are some things that don’t factor in if I was creating him from scratch, but he’s real, and the imperfections are acceptable…in general he would be what I’d want. Problem is, I met him about 6 or 7 years too late…see, he’s with someone else. Not just dating. No, they had the ceremony and are bound together. It makes me sad. Particularly since some things have indicated to me that he might, were he free, be interested too. So, that all said…the fact that it’s been flung into my face in that way, I take as a sign from above that I should stop being out there, stop considering it all, stop thinking about the idea of being with someone…because the indication to me in this one is that someone is saying “hey, you are right in what you are thinking…all the good ones ARE taken, so give it up.” And with that said…I close the door on it and am done. Dating sucks and the pool is dry. I’ve always believed there isn’t someone for everyone, I never thought I was one of those.

Now this post might sound depressing…yes, I’m a bit saddened by it, and this little part of me wants to wish for a divorce (it’s not out of the question as she said things to me long ago that indicated it might be going that way, and this was before I even really knew much about him and found that he could be someone I’d like to be with, some things he has said, although he loves her still and isn’t moving to leave, and something an outside source said to me about it not lasting…none of them having any idea of how I felt on any side of it) but I know I can’t. I want him to be happy and he loves her, so I really hope for his sake that the things not working will fix themselves and he can be happy…and I really do honestly mean that. It’d be too complicated even if he were single anyway…so hopefully the things they had agreed to, and she promised and has changed, she’ll realize and work harder to be back to what had been a happy time for both of them and not something making them both miserable. Anyway, while I’m sad, it also hopefully will eventually free me from some of the misery that comes in dating. There are things I will miss…the idea of never kissing someone again makes me sad, as that’s something I really like…always have…that feeling that happens when it’s someone you really connect with…and then of course there are other nice things too…but honestly I’m probably too difficult and set in my ways anyway…and I can tell you with this guy, he’d definitely lose interest quickly because I’m just kind of a boring person. I’ve done a lot of the things I wanted to do, even without the cheerleader I’d have loved having alongside me on my way to Boston…my parents are there no matter what. So with that, I say goodbye to the dating world…hopefully I can still find some friends to hang out with once in a while…maybe it’s time to start my cat collection…

And please, no responses back about "you'll find him now when you're not looking" etc...I'm really serious when I say I'm done, I'm not looking for pep talks about it. I'm just trying to take back the control that I don't have and remind myself of things. I have my health, I have good friends and family that support me, I have a job that is decent and I'm learning on and is paying for my education that I've wanted, I ran Boston, I have the ability to travel...I've got a lot going on, it almost seems selfish to worry about the lack of a guy and/or love or whatever anyway.