Tuesday, September 22, 2009

A Loss of Love

I guess in my last post I should’ve stated the last question was rhetorical. Well, maybe…I appreciate responses, but saying that what one person is doing to deal with their grief is wrong, is not quite appropriate in the situation. Everyone is different. It’s what makes the world go round. In my normal world, I’m a very social person. I get out, I do things, I see people…but it gets to be a struggle sometimes too because I really need down/alone time too…and I am very independent. I’m not one to ask for help unless I absolutely need it. I still am bothered by the fact that anytime I move, I have to ask people to help me because I just don’t like to put people out. And my grief is something others shouldn’t have to deal with or tolerate. I know I can’t put on a brave face for those that know me best, and it’s why I need to stay away from them as much as possible because the brave face act is just too difficult. So on that note, as everyone deals with grief and recovers from it differently, this is something I have to work out. I lost an aunt and uncle in the last few years, and that was sad, but I wasn’t close to them the way I was with grandma, so the grief wasn’t as overwhelming as this is. The last close person I lost was 20 years ago when my grandfather died. And I still grieve for him, but I had 20 years more of a relationship with grandma. I had grandma in my adulthood, which is absolutely different from losing grandpa when you were still barely out of childhood.

A friend sent me a card expressing her sympathy, and on it she wrote this quote:

“Grandma always made you feel she had been waiting to see just you all day and now the day was complete. ~Marcy DeMaree”

I cried after I read that quote because it absolutely was true. On my run yesterday morning I was thinking about grandma, as I usually do, and I lost it, again, I only hope anyone who saw me thought the wet on my cheeks was from sweat…I don’t like crying in public, unless it’s a sad movie, then it’s acceptable, but other than that, I like to try to keep it private. I’m not one of those women that uses tears to get things. Anyway, as I thought of that quote, and I thought of grandma, and my visits to her, my relationship with her…and the reason I’m not ready to be in a world without her is that I lost that love that I got from her and there is no replacement for that. As much as I loved her, and gave her my love, I know she loved me more, even if she didn’t express it in a traditional sense…When I would show up at her house, particularly if she didn’t know I was in town for the weekend, the surprise and joy on her face. The best present I could give her, was the time I spent with her. Oh, and the one other gift, I made a scrapbook for her the year we all went on a family cruise. She told me even as recently as a few months ago how much she enjoyed looking at the scrapbook and how she had just looked at it again. Just knowing that there was someone, whose day I could make, by just showing up at her house…that was something I absolutely took for granted and should not have, because now it’s gone and what kills me is I’ll never have that love, that total unconditional acceptance, joy and love from someone. Yes, my parents love me, I know that, but it’s still not the same thing. Knowing that I’ll never be able to make someone’s day with my presence again, it hurts more than I could ever have imagined. It’s been a month now, since I lost her, and it’s still as fresh as the moment I answered that phone call from my mom.


teacherwoman said...

The more and more I read your blog, the more and more I realize that we have more in common. We all grieve differently, and to be honest, I don't know how I would handle it if I were in your shoes. You just gotta take one day at a time.

Annette said...

Hey girl - I'm thinking about you! Hope you have a good weekend.