Saturday, September 19, 2009

Three Things

First running…I got up, got a decent run, if not a great one, this morning. I didn’t know how far I’d go, but ended up doing 9 miles. Again, not a great run, but an OK one. It started decent enough. Oh, and had I eaten more for breakfast, maybe I would’ve run more…Anyway, 5 miles into the run I am about 3 miles from my house, in an area that I know, or thought I knew, fairly well. There is Davanni’s Pizza. There is Blockbuster. Eden Avenue Grill is around the corner. The funeral home where both my aunt and uncle were laid out unfortunately is right there. Starbucks is there as well, but NONE of these places accounted for the delicious scents in the air. I noticed a sign up, that maybe I had just never noticed before, not sure, but it said Patissere Margo…what?? How could I not know of this place? I got home and instantly looked up the place online and the delights I found listed…oh my. I decided I must try it. Thought I’d go for breakfast tomorrow, however they aren’t open tomorrow, so I stopped there on my way to the gym. For today I only bought two regular croissants…I’d have just got one, but felt weird just buying one. So one was with dinner tonight and one is breakfast tomorrow if I get a longer run in. I should’ve gotten the cinnamon one too, but oh well…next time. At the gym I did strength train for 40 minutes, and biked for 30.

Two…rude people…I stopped at the grocery store on the way home to grab a couple of quick things, partly for dinner, some other necessary items. They were doing samples today and one was frozen pizza…sounded yummy. So I went to get a sample, and an employee had stepped up in front of me and was taking up the whole space…the guy doing the samples handed one over to me but I found it very odd. It’s not like this is a crappy grocery store either. It’s one of the upscale ones, in a nice area…ah well. Then I was checking out, self-check out (cause I kind of prefer it) and a woman comes up behind me, setting her stuff down on the very little space next to the self check, invading my space (granted I was done, but my receipt hadn’t printed yet and I was still gathering up my stuff) and thing is, it wasn’t like that was the only one available…there was another one, just a few steps further, on her way out…sigh.

Three…I know everyone means well…but unfortunately the sadness lingers. And you can only lean on friends for so long. Which is why the need to withdraw. If I don’t, they won’t be there later. You can drive people away wallowing and being sad for too long…unfortunately I’ve had to learn about the tolerance level people have too many times in the past and I’ve used up the sympathy on other things. And withdrawing is just the only way I know to deal. It’s starting…tonight in fact, I had the option of a BBQ, normally would’ve been a fun activity, only 2 people I knew would be there, the ones hosting, and it just didn’t seem like something I could handle today. That’s just how it is sometimes. Last night I was at a hockey game…that was enough for the weekend. Next weekend I have to deal with two days of things. And the weekend after three days…ughh…I just want to hole up at home. Is there anything wrong with that?


Londell said...

Yes, there is something wrong with that... In my opinion. Without great detail, over two decades ago my 3 YO nephew died several other things occurred. In 2006, my best friend was killed in abike accident...

Locking myself in a room, this is what I wanted to do and almost did. But instead, I went on more nature walks, sat beside a stream more, found myself in the bird sanctuary and other things but avoided my friends and spent time in a variety of quiet and peaceful places. I once had a 3 hour Sunday lunch at a graveyard... alone, and had a wonderful conversation with stone. (No you do not need to be scared, I am sane...) I found that a man made shell to hide in was a problem. I disappears into god made wonders in the world... Just my opinion.

I will add for your peace in my prayers. I know, you will never "get over it" as some would say but I, as I know you will, found peace.

L said...

You must know from my last comment that I don't think there's something "wrong" with that, but just in case I'll say it again: I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Here's why: everyone is different, for one. You have to do what truly feels right for you, what makes YOU feel like you're healing and getting accustomed to this new normal that is life after losing someone we love. It happens differently for everyone. Second, you're still doing things and getting out, just not as much. And you run, which I know is important to you, and that tells me that you're not forgetting those things that are important to you and the person you are.

Really, the idea or theory that time heals all wounds is crap to me. It doesn't. But it does get us to the point of acceptance and moving forward, and I have faith you'll do that and, in fact, are doing that.

People do mean well, and those opinions are so valuable because it shows you exactly what I stated above: none of us will look at your situation in the exact same way as you. But, you are okay, you will be okay. And as doubtful as it may seem, you are equipped to get through this. You are stronger than you think you are.


Dori said...

Sorry about the loss of your grandma. She sounds like she was very special to you.

I have been away from blogs and blogging for a few months. Did you find a place to stay for Nike? Let me know if you need a room; I think some of the women I'm going up with have an extra room. Send me an email at

Nat said...

You can never use up anything from friends. That comes with the job of being a friend! Hang in there, it WILL get better!

RunToFinish said...

true friends don't disappear in the hard times. And yes sometimes you have to make yourself go out, but you need to remember that life is for the living, this doesn't mean you can't be sad, but you do have to make the choice every day to keep goig

justlori2day said...

I think of my grandma every day - I miss her all the time - she was closest confidant my entire childhood. There is not a memory I have that she is not in. My parents disfunctional marriage pushed me closer to her, she was more of a parent to me than they were. She has been gone for 14 years. It saddens me that I don't have that same relationship with gram. I love her to death (and I know you do too!), but like Marilyn, my grand "gaga" was the one that I was most attached to.

A week from Saturday I will remember that day 8 years ago when my best friend and mother died. I would give everything I own to have one more moment with her. I still want to call her. I still want to hear her voice. I talked to her nearly every day when she was alive, and I talk to her nearly every day now that she is gone. I will never get over it. I will never forget. I will never accept it.

In 6 weeks it will be the 2nd anniversary of Bruces death. I still don't believe it - I still expect him to pull up to my house with a beer and stogey. Two parents gone - both far to young. I thank God they have each other now. I thank God I still have my dad.

I lost the only grandfather I have ever known (Jim's grandfather) in March. I was the one that held his hand as he took his last breath - alone, just the two of us. I drive by his house every morning to take Mantha to school - we talk about him almost every time. Many times with tears. I miss him terribly.

I know how hard it is to suffer that loss. Sadly, the loss will always be there. But over time you put the sadness a little further out of the immediate and remember the happy - and often times the happy makes it easier. Sharing the good with other people makes it a little less painful. Its easy to hide, but you cannot allow yourself to be miserable. Marilyn would not be happy if she knew that was what you were doing. REMEMBER HER HUGE SMILE! Don't let that fade from your minds eye, and SHARE IT WITH OTHERS!

Don't hide, don't wallow. Share, remember, smile, laugh - know that being happy again does not mean you will forget her. You never will. She is engraved in your heart and soul. Remember that she would not want you to do this to yourself.

Its hard... I know... But don't lock yourself deeper away from those who are there to help you remember the good times! Let them be there for you!

Runner Leana said...

justlori gave you some great advice. Take time by yourself if you need it, but remember that your grandmother would want you to live life as well. All the best and continued thoughts and hugs your way.