Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Messiness in Life

I could write about so much right now…my mind is a mess…my emotions are a mess…physically…I’m a complete and utter disaster, the small highs aren’t enough to make up for the drastic lows. 3 weeks ago my life changed. Really, only 3 weeks ago to go from that post of how I am withdrawing from dating, and moving on with my life from that, having issues in my head about that anyway (still thinking on occasion about the one that kind of inspired that post), to the complete and total devastating loss of my grandmother. I didn’t really write a lot about her until of course my last two posts, but she was so important in my life. All the thoughts I’ve had of moving someplace warm, of getting out of MN and finding a new city, something new and different…well, I couldn’t leave my grandma. Even though I didn’t get down to visit her more than 3 or 4 times a year anymore (I really hate going to my hometown and really mostly did it to see my grandmothers) she was still someone that I had a close bond with. I’d write her letters fairly regularly, had just been realizing I owed her one, which was why I was going to go visit her over Labor Day weekend instead…and instead of going then, I went a weekend earlier and said goodbye to her. I’m dedicating Nike to her, but it’s hard to keep motivated to even run and train for it. I miss her so damn much. 3 weeks, and I still think about her every single day, and all but one of those days shed at least a few tears…and some days have spent crying till there was nothing left to cry out. I still don’t know how to be in this world without her. I was not ready to let her go. I know, we probably never are ready for that, but I really thought I had at least another few years with her. More time to talk to her about my life…maybe a chance to meet someone, someone that would be worthy of meeting grandma. That’s the thing that hurts the most. Even if I didn’t think the possibility of meeting someone was impossible, how could I possibly be with someone. Have someone that close to me, that much a part of my life, that doesn’t know my grandma. I just don’t see it happening (OK, so 11 years and for 6 months of that time, 2 years ago, I had a boyfriend, so not likely that that was even a concern before I decided marriage/relationship wasn’t in the cards either)…it hurts too. Because now of course I really wish there was someone who could hold me and comfort me, and while I would know it’s not going to help, at least there is that little something there. I’ve been in a muddle now…getting angry at people for stupid non-reasons…getting annoyed at people for being around, or not being around, whatever the case might be…not wanting to be around others, but wanting people to drag me out and keep me occupied…and all through this my working out and eating has tanked further and my weight goes up.

I ran a race on Sunday. A 25K. Last year this was a prep race for Twin Cities. I wanted to run it at marathon pace (8 minute miles is what I wanted to run) and start out the first 10 miles at that and then speed up…which I managed to do…7:50 pace for it…it was a good run. This year I knew I wasn’t trained to run that fast. Weather this year was much warmer too. I did it as a 20 mile training run. Ran 4.25 before the race and managed to run .25 over on the race so had 15.75 for the 25K for a total of 20 on Sunday. The race, 8:55 pace…only 1:05 per mile slower than last year. And that was pushing it. I know I haven’t done speedwork…heck, this was my 5th run of 20 miles or more (3 now for Nike, that’s 2 more than I did for Boston and I still have one more planned)…I wish I could at least get my love/desire for running back at least. It helped me through a rough patch before, but this time, this rough patch, it's just not there to help me.

With my up and down tendencies right now, I have made a decision that I should stay away from others. It’s better that way…so not making anymore plans to go out and do anything (with the exception of going to the Wild pre-season game on Friday, but that won’t be a big deal, I got free tickets, as I’m going with a friend who is pregnant…so not like it will be a late or wild and crazy night, and I owe her…we’ve been there for each other through a lot of things). I have work and I have school. Heck, if I can keep that mentality, maybe I can take 3 classes in the spring, 2 next summer and 3 in the fall and really push up my graduation and/or guarantee a graduation time of 2011 like I’m hoping…I can run when I find time around that. It will sure save me a lot of money too. Not like I have much of a life anyway. Friends are married or practically married and don’t want to go out anymore…and what do I gain when I go out? Nothing except sometimes a hangover, and then being down because I see all the happy couples around me and know that’s not nor will it ever be me…sigh…OK, enough. I’ll honor my commitments that are stuck and skip out on anything new…sounds like a plan.


RunToFinish said...

be careful to withdraw too much, sometimes what you need is the distraction that others can provide. you deserve to be happy and I can't imagine that a woman who loved you so much would condone you pulling away. some time to yourself is wonderful, but chose it for joy and replenishment.

L said...

I know I could comment on so much here, so please don't think I'm bypassing all of that, but I just have to tell you that this feeling? Not only is it temporary, it's completely normal. The grieving process is different for everyone, and it is SO okay for you to have all of these feelings.

I know saying you're normal and okay doesn't help your loss, but still understand that going through a life-changing event is what makes us look at the rest of our lives. We look at what matters, we look at our plans, and we do a lot of thinking. And all of that is totally okay. How you feel today may not be how you feel tomorrow, or it may be how you feel for a week or a month. That's all okay.

Give yourself permission to take all the time you need. You deserve nothing less.

I'm here for you and thinking of you.


Runner Leana said...

Oh Danielle, I am so sorry you are going through all of this. Amanda and Lesley have given you great advice. Take time to grieve. Lean on your friends if you need them. If you want to go for a run, then go, and if not that is okay too. Take care my friend!

Annette said...

Ugh! I am so sorry. First of all, DO take some time for yourself, but DON'T withdraw from people completely - at least not for long. Sometimes a little energy from others can be a good thing. Don't even worry about meeting someone/not meeting someone. . . it always seems to happen when you least expect it anyway.

As for your Nike run, don't stress about time. Just enjoy it and use all those mile markers to think of the great memories of your grandma.

Thinking of you, woman! Take care and stay in touch.