Sunday, July 05, 2009

Blast from the Past

Kind of weird sometimes, how life can be. Particularly with the reflections in my last post. I went to watch fireworks tonight with a friend. We chose the display where a friend and her husband were working. He has a corn roasting business and the place they were at, was one of the options I had mentioned to go see. So around 8:30 we got down there and wandered a bit, had some snacks and my friend had gone over to do something and I was standing near the corn stand and I hear my named called, turn my head to look and my long ago ex was there. It was the oddest thing. I haven't seen him since 2000, at a friends wedding. We broke up in 1998. I’ve had brief updates about him from mutual friends over the years and found him on Linkedin and emailed him just out of curiosity but it was just so weird seeing him. He had his youngest with him, and I believe his daughter was there briefly as we were saying goodbye. Basically I saw what could have been my life. I said as much to the friend that I was with after we left too. See, this was the guy that I dated at the time that I really thought I would get married. We had been together 2 1/2 years. I was 24, everyone we knew was getting seemed like what we should be doing, but instead we broke up. I was devastated when it happened as I had finally had all my walls broken down, and was finally in a place where I wanted to be with someone. It had taken a long time because I had always been very independent and being able to be with someone, fully be with them, it took a lot from me. When we broke up, it definitely took me a long time to get back to being happy alone and being comfortable being alone. Since the time we broke up I've really only been in one relationship, and that only lasted 6 months (and that was 2 years ago). I did get closure from it eventually though, and I think the changes I took from that relationship are actually definitely for the better for me. He was really a great guy, and I wish it had been right, but it was one of those things that in reflection I know it would never worked because we were just not quite right for each other. I guess it was one of those instances of the people that come into your life for their specific purposes and that’s that. I’m definitely not sad or upset that I am not with him. I wish him the best and he seems happy and I'm happy for him in that. It is interesting though, to see what could’ve been your life had things been different. I still don’t feel that I want kids, seeing him with his, it’s definitely good that he is with who he was…Although I had always known he would make a great father and if we had been together probably would’ve had one or two with him…but that was a different me and would’ve been a different life. And I’m happy with where I am. Had I been with him, who knows if I would’ve become a marathon runner and run Boston and I’d definitely never give up that experience. I have to say though, probably part of my problem in dating these days is that he set such high standards in me for what I want to date…it was almost all there, in him…

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