Thursday, July 02, 2009

What's Wrong with Me?

OK, I’m seriously messed up and I can’t figure out what is wrong with me. I did my work out today. 7 miles of speedwork. I haven’t done speedwork in a really long time. 6 x 800 with 400 recovery. Mile and a half warm up and mile cool down. It felt good. For the most part. 3:47 for the first one, my plan had been 3:45 but the next 5 were 3:35, 3:31, 3:28, 3:31, 3:33 or something to the affect.

Afterward…I stretched. I was feeling good and am glad I got out when I did because the track got busier after. However, I LOVE that I was there at first where I was because I saw a guy doing speedwork and he was running inner lane like we normally would. And I saw him going slow in the inner lane…but once I joined him, he moved to outer lanes (the same way I did) when it came to doing the slow laps and inner lane, for speed, the way it should be. I LOVE when people know the track etiquette!

But also I am feeling so messed up. I finished the workout and instead of feeling that elation of being done and knowing it was a good workout…I suddenly wanted to cry. At the end of my run, while I was walking and cooling down, I started thinking about families, and kids and I wonder at the fact that I’m broken. I feel bad for my parents. 3 kids, 1 over 30, 1 almost 30 and one getting close to 27 and no grandkids. Mom has had her kicks of wanting to have a grandbaby, but says she’s over it…I feel for dad too and this part of me wonders what is it that is wrong with me that I don’t want kids. I'm supposed to want them right? I mean in a way it’s probably good because I’d really be depressed right now since I don’t have access to the stuff that helps make that baby…OK, I have access to it, just not full time regular access that I’d need if I was going to create that baby (no, I really would NOT want to be a single parent!). I can’t even get myself into the mindset of wanting to be attached. I freak out about anything that might lead to something…OK, not really, the most recent guy I was out with that could’ve gone somewhere but I freaked a bit. But then again, it was in part that it wasn’t right with that one. As it hasn’t been with a lot of them…I had this idea to start putting it out there, and seriously being interested in meeting people, but not sure how much of that I’m really trying. Damned if I do and damned if I don’t? But back to the kid thing...I feel bad for mom and dad and their lack of grandkids. And you know, I'd be really upset if my little sister does give them a first grandchild, since that should be my messed up is that when I don't even want them?


Runner Leana said...

I think that it can be really difficult to say with finality that we don't want children (maybe especially as women). My parents are completely the opposite, saying that they weren't in a rush for a grandchild...although they are grandparents now thanks to my older brother!

Anyhow, I don't think there is anything wrong with not wanting children. I'm pretty sure that they aren't in the cards for me either as I'm not sure that I'd be willing to give certain things up for children! I get my fill by hanging out with my niece, but then I get to give her back to her parents when her diaper needs changing!!

L said...

You aren't supposed to want or not want anything. Not at all.
I am the same, I want kids but only my way, in my situation, one that no, maybe not all kids have, but one that I'm certain MY kid deserves. That's it. Period. And if it doesn't happen that way, that's okay too. It doesn't mean you wanted too much or too little or that you were right or wrong, it just is.

And, trust me, your parents will be fine with it. Statistically one of you is likely to have children so just rely on that when you're feeling any pangs of guilt or "shoulda coulda woulda." Things are as they should be, and you are living a pretty fabulous life in the meantime, even if it doesn't feel like that every second.

Firefly's Running said...

((hugs)) Don't feel obligated to have kids. It's more appropriate to have them when you are ready, not when you feel pressure to conceive them. In the end, kids come from a happier home and free from regret. Take in your own terms because you will be much happier that way.

RunToFinish said...

ohh seriously don't feel bad about not giving them grandkids! I truly believe your parents are more concerned with you and how happy you are than having a grand kid.

In the end it doesn't matter if there are or are not grandkids, a home filled with laughter and love is all that matters