A Loss of Love

I guess in my last post I should’ve stated the last question was rhetorical. Well, maybe…I appreciate responses, but saying that what one person is doing to deal with their grief is wrong, is not quite appropriate in the situation. Everyone is different. It’s what makes the world go round. In my normal world, I’m a very social person. I get out, I do things, I see people…but it gets to be a struggle sometimes too because I really need down/alone time too…and I am very independent. I’m not one to ask for help unless I absolutely need it. I still am bothered by the fact that anytime I move, I have to ask people to help me because I just don’t like to put people out. And my grief is something others shouldn’t have to deal with or tolerate. I know I can’t put on a brave face for those that know me best, and it’s why I need to stay away from them as much as possible because the brave face act is just too difficult. So on that note, as everyone deals with grief and recovers from it differently, this is something I have to work out. I lost an aunt and uncle in the last few years, and that was sad, but I wasn’t close to them the way I was with grandma, so the grief wasn’t as overwhelming as this is. The last close person I lost was 20 years ago when my grandfather died. And I still grieve for him, but I had 20 years more of a relationship with grandma. I had grandma in my adulthood, which is absolutely different from losing grandpa when you were still barely out of childhood.

A friend sent me a card expressing her sympathy, and on it she wrote this quote:

“Grandma always made you feel she had been waiting to see just you all day and now the day was complete. ~Marcy DeMaree”

I cried after I read that quote because it absolutely was true. On my run yesterday morning I was thinking about grandma, as I usually do, and I lost it, again, I only hope anyone who saw me thought the wet on my cheeks was from sweat…I don’t like crying in public, unless it’s a sad movie, then it’s acceptable, but other than that, I like to try to keep it private. I’m not one of those women that uses tears to get things. Anyway, as I thought of that quote, and I thought of grandma, and my visits to her, my relationship with her…and the reason I’m not ready to be in a world without her is that I lost that love that I got from her and there is no replacement for that. As much as I loved her, and gave her my love, I know she loved me more, even if she didn’t express it in a traditional sense…When I would show up at her house, particularly if she didn’t know I was in town for the weekend, the surprise and joy on her face. The best present I could give her, was the time I spent with her. Oh, and the one other gift, I made a scrapbook for her the year we all went on a family cruise. She told me even as recently as a few months ago how much she enjoyed looking at the scrapbook and how she had just looked at it again. Just knowing that there was someone, whose day I could make, by just showing up at her house…that was something I absolutely took for granted and should not have, because now it’s gone and what kills me is I’ll never have that love, that total unconditional acceptance, joy and love from someone. Yes, my parents love me, I know that, but it’s still not the same thing. Knowing that I’ll never be able to make someone’s day with my presence again, it hurts more than I could ever have imagined. It’s been a month now, since I lost her, and it’s still as fresh as the moment I answered that phone call from my mom.

Three Things

First running…I got up, got a decent run, if not a great one, this morning. I didn’t know how far I’d go, but ended up doing 9 miles. Again, not a great run, but an OK one. It started decent enough. Oh, and had I eaten more for breakfast, maybe I would’ve run more…Anyway, 5 miles into the run I am about 3 miles from my house, in an area that I know, or thought I knew, fairly well. There is Davanni’s Pizza. There is Blockbuster. Eden Avenue Grill is around the corner. The funeral home where both my aunt and uncle were laid out unfortunately is right there. Starbucks is there as well, but NONE of these places accounted for the delicious scents in the air. I noticed a sign up, that maybe I had just never noticed before, not sure, but it said Patissere Margo…what?? How could I not know of this place? I got home and instantly looked up the place online and the delights I found listed…oh my. I decided I must try it. Thought I’d go for breakfast tomorrow, however they aren’t open tomorrow, so I stopped there on my way to the gym. For today I only bought two regular croissants…I’d have just got one, but felt weird just buying one. So one was with dinner tonight and one is breakfast tomorrow if I get a longer run in. I should’ve gotten the cinnamon one too, but oh well…next time. At the gym I did strength train for 40 minutes, and biked for 30.

Two…rude people…I stopped at the grocery store on the way home to grab a couple of quick things, partly for dinner, some other necessary items. They were doing samples today and one was frozen pizza…sounded yummy. So I went to get a sample, and an employee had stepped up in front of me and was taking up the whole space…the guy doing the samples handed one over to me but I found it very odd. It’s not like this is a crappy grocery store either. It’s one of the upscale ones, in a nice area…ah well. Then I was checking out, self-check out (cause I kind of prefer it) and a woman comes up behind me, setting her stuff down on the very little space next to the self check, invading my space (granted I was done, but my receipt hadn’t printed yet and I was still gathering up my stuff) and thing is, it wasn’t like that was the only one available…there was another one, just a few steps further, on her way out…sigh.

Three…I know everyone means well…but unfortunately the sadness lingers. And you can only lean on friends for so long. Which is why the need to withdraw. If I don’t, they won’t be there later. You can drive people away wallowing and being sad for too long…unfortunately I’ve had to learn about the tolerance level people have too many times in the past and I’ve used up the sympathy on other things. And withdrawing is just the only way I know to deal. It’s starting…tonight in fact, I had the option of a BBQ, normally would’ve been a fun activity, only 2 people I knew would be there, the ones hosting, and it just didn’t seem like something I could handle today. That’s just how it is sometimes. Last night I was at a hockey game…that was enough for the weekend. Next weekend I have to deal with two days of things. And the weekend after three days…ughh…I just want to hole up at home. Is there anything wrong with that?

Messiness in Life

I could write about so much right now…my mind is a mess…my emotions are a mess…physically…I’m a complete and utter disaster, the small highs aren’t enough to make up for the drastic lows. 3 weeks ago my life changed. Really, only 3 weeks ago to go from that post of how I am withdrawing from dating, and moving on with my life from that, having issues in my head about that anyway (still thinking on occasion about the one that kind of inspired that post), to the complete and total devastating loss of my grandmother. I didn’t really write a lot about her until of course my last two posts, but she was so important in my life. All the thoughts I’ve had of moving someplace warm, of getting out of MN and finding a new city, something new and different…well, I couldn’t leave my grandma. Even though I didn’t get down to visit her more than 3 or 4 times a year anymore (I really hate going to my hometown and really mostly did it to see my grandmothers) she was still someone that I had a close bond with. I’d write her letters fairly regularly, had just been realizing I owed her one, which was why I was going to go visit her over Labor Day weekend instead…and instead of going then, I went a weekend earlier and said goodbye to her. I’m dedicating Nike to her, but it’s hard to keep motivated to even run and train for it. I miss her so damn much. 3 weeks, and I still think about her every single day, and all but one of those days shed at least a few tears…and some days have spent crying till there was nothing left to cry out. I still don’t know how to be in this world without her. I was not ready to let her go. I know, we probably never are ready for that, but I really thought I had at least another few years with her. More time to talk to her about my life…maybe a chance to meet someone, someone that would be worthy of meeting grandma. That’s the thing that hurts the most. Even if I didn’t think the possibility of meeting someone was impossible, how could I possibly be with someone. Have someone that close to me, that much a part of my life, that doesn’t know my grandma. I just don’t see it happening (OK, so 11 years and for 6 months of that time, 2 years ago, I had a boyfriend, so not likely that that was even a concern before I decided marriage/relationship wasn’t in the cards either)…it hurts too. Because now of course I really wish there was someone who could hold me and comfort me, and while I would know it’s not going to help, at least there is that little something there. I’ve been in a muddle now…getting angry at people for stupid non-reasons…getting annoyed at people for being around, or not being around, whatever the case might be…not wanting to be around others, but wanting people to drag me out and keep me occupied…and all through this my working out and eating has tanked further and my weight goes up.

I ran a race on Sunday. A 25K. Last year this was a prep race for Twin Cities. I wanted to run it at marathon pace (8 minute miles is what I wanted to run) and start out the first 10 miles at that and then speed up…which I managed to do…7:50 pace for it…it was a good run. This year I knew I wasn’t trained to run that fast. Weather this year was much warmer too. I did it as a 20 mile training run. Ran 4.25 before the race and managed to run .25 over on the race so had 15.75 for the 25K for a total of 20 on Sunday. The race, 8:55 pace…only 1:05 per mile slower than last year. And that was pushing it. I know I haven’t done speedwork…heck, this was my 5^th run of 20 miles or more (3 now for Nike, that’s 2 more than I did for Boston and I still have one more planned)…I wish I could at least get my love/desire for running back at least. It helped me through a rough patch before, but this time, this rough patch, it's just not there to help me.

With my up and down tendencies right now, I have made a decision that I should stay away from others. It’s better that way…so not making anymore plans to go out and do anything (with the exception of going to the Wild pre-season game on Friday, but that won’t be a big deal, I got free tickets, as I’m going with a friend who is pregnant…so not like it will be a late or wild and crazy night, and I owe her…we’ve been there for each other through a lot of things). I have work and I have school. Heck, if I can keep that mentality, maybe I can take 3 classes in the spring, 2 next summer and 3 in the fall and really push up my graduation and/or guarantee a graduation time of 2011 like I’m hoping…I can run when I find time around that. It will sure save me a lot of money too. Not like I have much of a life anyway. Friends are married or practically married and don’t want to go out anymore…and what do I gain when I go out? Nothing except sometimes a hangover, and then being down because I see all the happy couples around me and know that’s not nor will it ever be me…sigh…OK, enough. I’ll honor my commitments that are stuck and skip out on anything new…sounds like a plan.

Thanks Everyone

I appreciate all the condolence wishes. The funeral was really difficult but there was some bonding time amongst the family. We even had a nice family picture taken. First time we've all been together since 2000. My grandma's immediate family that is. I also had my best friend surprise me and show up at the funeral. She had been up and dropped her husband off at the airport to go see his grandfather who was sick, drive down to her parents and drop her dog for them to watch and then head the rest of the way to my home town (3 hours drive from where she lives with the detours that are in place now). She was there for the funeral and had a drink with us at the home town bar before she had to head back and pick her husband up. Of course it made me cry more seeing her there, but friendship is a powerful thing. She knew how much grandma meant to me.

Haven't had a day yet that I haven't cried...