What Can You Expect...

From a day that begins with getting up in the morning? I used to have that T-shirt…I loved that shirt…and for some reason today is starting to feel that way and I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because due to lack of activity this week, but no cutting back on eating, I’m up a pound, so at 6 that I’d like gone in just over a month and a half (and 2 more by my big race day). Actually got up and went to the gym for only the second time this week (I kept resetting my alarm cause I just didn’t want to get out of bed) and lo and behold, hottie was there!! I hadn’t seen him in almost two weeks…and yay…he was there…working his abs…biking, then I assume down to strength train (by that point I had jumped on a bike, just to be nearer him, even though I was two bikes away from him AND not looking at him…I’m bummed I was in a bad place as he got off the bike just after I got on and wiped his face with his shirt, I could’ve gotten a glimpse of what I am assuming is a nicely toned tummy had I just stayed on the mats and worked my abs for 5 more minutes…sigh)…one thing I was finally able to remember to look at is his left hand…no ring!! Of course what does that mean…that he’s maybe not married (could be and just doesn’t wear a ring OR might not wear it during workouts), doesn’t mean he doesn’t have a girlfriend (or boyfriend for that matter, I’m not really getting that vibe from him, but you never know). Anyway…we all know I won’t talk to him anyway, but you’d think it would’ve started my day right. And it might have. But I started thinking…yeah…bad thing for a Friday. Where did my thoughts go?? Well, to the pathetic thing that is my love life…and I honestly don’t know why. I’m about over that I’m feeling down because it’s winter/transition time to spring (which is still is in the great north, but I’m past those feelings, or so I thought) and it’s too early for me to be wishing I was attached to someone right now (haven’t been out to see couples walking around and enjoying time in the nice days with each other). In fact, I still look at things with some of my friends and am SO GLAD I’m NOT attached…but still…something weird is going on. I think it’s the fact that while my love life is pathetic, maybe it’s the fact that I rang in the new year with Dom and the three dates I’ve been on (with three different guys) this year were far from the look and/or feel of Dom dates…

Date 1 was a long past due movie date with C…yes…the same C that I had all the stuff going on from last year…bad, bad, bad…but it was beginning of the year, I was a big tipsy and, well, you know…things happen. We went to see Juno, good movie, he paid, although made mention of that I make more money etc…so I paid for the beers we had after…he didn’t say again anything about it, but I felt obligated…

Date 2 was the wine date…yes, where I ended up with the $10 glass vs. the $6 glass (not that it would’ve been THAT big of a deal but I wasn’t trying to get something expensive when I thought the guy was paying, for that price I would’ve picked something other than what I had) and then paid for my two glasses…I did see him out one night after that but didn’t even talk to him…no interest in going out with him again for many, many reasons…

Date 3 was a dinner/drink date…we were going to go see a movie and instead hung out a bit, had some wine and then went to get a bite to eat…and he asked me to throw in $10 on it…my beers were $3 a piece and I had only eaten a little of the pizza, we went more cause he was hungry, not me…but oh well.

Yes…can we say I’ve been on dates with…well, one of my friends likes to tease me about my “losers”…let me clarify on that…the guys, youngest was 35…then one was 40, the other 41…wouldn’t you think that at that point in their lives they’d have their acts together? Well, OK, the cheap guy does own a house, the other two, well, one got divorced and let his ex have everything, no fault divorce state and even though she cheated, he got screwed, oh and lost his job shortly after that too. Then let himself get screwed by the army when he signed up for reserves and gee, what a surprise, they didn’t follow through on promises he’d been given. (supposed to see him tonight, but thinking I’m going to skip it…he’s thinking we’ll meet up and leave together…I’m thinking no) and the other, well, 40, no college degree, works as a server, rents an apartment…and he has no kids and no divorce and still can’t seem to get his act together…what is wrong with me?? Ah…let’s not answer that one!! One thing though, that I’ve finally, duh Danielle, come to a realization on. I deserve better!! Yes, I’m slow sometimes…but you know, I’m almost 34…ugh…but I own my condo, I have owned it for almost 7 years. I own my car (and I have a fairly decent, reliable car). I have two student loans but should have them paid off this year. I have a good job, with opportunities for advancement within the company and the opportunity for educational advancement through a very nice tuition reimbursement plan. I have nominal credit card debt (that I pay off every month, only reason there is a bigger debt right now is my laptop and booking a vacation and a maintenance thing on my car and it will be paid off when it comes due). I take care of myself by trying to eat healthy and running like a mad woman. I’m also fairly intelligent…but I’m also very independent which is somewhat a turn off I’ve found (even though most guys I know say they want independence they don’t seem to know what to do with it, or intelligence for that matter). All I can say is there is definitely a lacking of quality men…and I seem to keep finding guys that are either freaking out at the idea of a date (after being asked on a date and agreeing I have heard the “I’m not looking for something serious” umm…yeah…neither am I!) or a guy that is wanting some super serious right away…(I recently heard, when I say I’m not looking to get married, “you just don’t want to marry me” or something to that effect from someone I haven’t even really been on date with…yeah…not sure which is scarier!!).

So yes…this is my life…I think I need to do the ban on dating again. It just doesn’t seem worth it. Not unless there is a quality person to date…I’m not looking for anything long term. I’m not looking for that end all be all life partner. I’m really not even looking. But if something came along, that was worth it…someone to run with on occasion and do some of the things I like to that it seems my friends are never around for…maybe then? I hate that I’m writing this and even considering thoughts like this…because it makes me sound like one of those “oh whoa is me, I can’t find a guy” and that’s not it…I think what it is, is that I want all guys to be away, unless they are quality!! Someone with…potential…so how do you ban dating and still potentially find that??

Single life...a bad thing?

Why is it no one can believe that if you are single, you can possibly be happy and OK with who you are and where you are at in your life? That dating isn’t a priority and you can enjoy the rest of your life without the problems that come with dating? It seems every time I go out, and every time I see friends (particularly a certain group of friends and most particularly guy friends) the conversation always turns to my “single” status. And when I say I don’t even want to date, no one can just accept that?? When I state my being sick of the so-called “dating scene” and that I’m just tired of all the crap. I’ve dated a lot. My last boyfriend and I broke up in June of 1998. No, that is not a typo. Since that time, I’ve been on countless dates, met countless men and not a single one of them led to anything in the way of a relationship of any significance. There was one in there I saw almost everyday for about a month, a few others that were a date or two, maybe a few that led to three or four dates, but nothing that led to anything serious. And no, I’m not typing this and putting this out there for pity. Granted, a year or two ago I was very unhappy about this, I felt like a failure, loser or what not over and over again. What was so wrong with me that guys didn’t want anything more from me than to sleep with me (and no, it hasn’t been the case, that I’ve slept with them all on the first date and that’s why they didn’t call back!), and apparently if that didn’t happen right away, I wasn’t worth trying a little harder to get it. Those that I “slipped up with” and maybe did something stupid too soon usually didn’t choose to call back either. A couple of years ago I was on a mission to figure out what was “wrong” with me…I mean the fact that there were so many dates with so many different guys, guys that I met in so many different ways, that I figured it couldn’t be them, it had to something with me. Of course most of them, after not calling after they said they would, were not easy to get a hold of. All I managed to get out of the one or two that I got in contact with was, was the fact that I was really asking the wrong ones (talk about issues, one, a guy a couple of years older than me told me I wasn’t “mysterious” enough). Plus, in my heart of hearts, I probably already knew most of the answers to my questions anyway. At least somewhere…

So a year and a half ago I decided I needed to take a 6 month break from anything romantic to do with men… that didn’t last that long as a few months into that time I did end up kissing someone, did that mean I needed to restart the 6 months? Anyway, last February or so it finally just all came to a head. I don’t know what or why, I had still been looking last January, I was talking to a guy on Match.com (and I still have been talking to him, but a year later we haven’t met in person yet and I really don’t care one way or the other if we do, because I just don’t feel excited about him), and hanging out with a guy I had had a previous interest in and had disappointed me, well, we finally had a talk and ended up deciding to give casual dating a bit of a try, and it was OK for a bit, but once I had what I wanted (namely a chance to date him) I realized I really didn’t want him that much anymore so that went by the wayside and since that time, I just haven’t even been trying. Now about a year later and honestly, I still feel the same way. I’m not a “man hater” or “anti-dating” or anything like that. I like the way things are, but if the absolute right man came along, and there weren’t issues and it was there, I would throw it out. I don’t think I’m damaged anymore, I don’t have issues, baggage and the like, maybe it’s that I’m tired of being a cynic? Maybe my experiences have helped shape the things that happen though too. Who knows? All I know is that I actually am happy with the way things are in my life. At least some things, job, sure, I need a change, but in the meantime it is getting me experience and getting me by till I figure out what it is I want, I own a house, I own my car (well, if I were to sell my house I would own it, I bought it with an equity loan). I’m fairly intelligent, I’m fit and I have my running. Although this might be a problem too! Last night I was being questioned by a friend yet again and this is where the post is coming from. I told him it had been almost 9 years since I had had a “boyfriend”…this got him. As it gets everyone…OK, so I am damaged, there is something wrong with that (especially since it hasn’t been that whole time that I didn’t want to date) but I’m fine with it. The conversation (last night but also no matter who I’m talking with) always goes toward “there are decent men out there” then questions of where I’m meeting people, etc…I’m not trying to meet people. This is the thing that people can’t seem to get their mind around, that they can’t understand that I’m not looking (cause inevitably I hear the, “that’s when you’ll find someone”). No, it’s not, it really isn’t something I want. I like being able to come and go as I please, not have someone else I have to “report” to. I like getting home and eating my half box of Lucky Charms for dinner if I want (yes, that was dinner again last night), or nothing at all, getting up early and running or sleeping in. Not leaving the house at all, or going and running all kinds of errands. Keeping things incredibly neat, or slightly messy if I want. It’s my life and I can do what I want without getting someone else involved. I can sleep across the whole bed, go out or stay in…no one else has a say. My friends that are attached and/or married, don’t see happier than me and most seem kind of on the miserable side, I know it doesn’t have to be that way, but it’s my point of reference that I see. What it comes down to is I’d rather be alone alone, than alone with someone…The friend last night I asked me what I like, trying to get suggestions in on where I could meet people…this is my life and my typical week, I work day job, maybe workout at lunch and workout again after work, I get home, eat dinner, veg a bit and go to sleep. I work two nights a week at B&N (usually one of the weekend) and on Friday nights I go to my local hang out and hang out with the friends there (this was one of those friends). He was suggesting me getting involved in running clubs, OK, granted, I did say that was a resolution of mine, but so far I just can’t seem to get motivated to do that as I just like running when I want, running how far I want and doing what I want…I NEED to train by myself. OK, so I’m independent…is that a bad thing? Anyway, my point here is that running is “my time” and maybe I do have too much me time, but I like that. I don’t like getting interrupted with it. I also told him that I did talk to and give a guy my number last week, honestly I thought J4 would call, but reality is he hasn’t, and while I was interested and would’ve gone out with him, I’m not upset either. The friend I was chatting with also suggested C, when his name came up with regards to something that’s a nice guy and is single…(as I said, everyone knows everyone in this group and C is one that is part of this group) well, I pointed out I highly doubted that C was looking for something considering he just finalized his divorce. Sure, he wants what any guy wants, but not much more than that and the point of all this is, I can get that if I want it…other problem is, I think I’m starting to develop feelings for C…even though he’s so NOT what I want…he’s older than my age range, he smokes, which is a huge, huge, huge turn off to me, he has a kid, (and since I’m pretty sure I don’t want kids of my own, not really wanting to take on someone else’s kids) and he got burned really, really bad by his ex and in the divorce…so of course I would develop a thing for him, he’s absolutely unhealthy…but at the same time he’s funny, smart, cute…but anyway, it cannot and won’t go beyond that!! It can’t…I don’t need the baggage and issues!!

Anyway, enough rambling, I just want people to stop getting on my case about this because it’s only after these discussions, that on occasion, I start to feel a little like I want to be with someone, like something might be wrong with me and this isn’t right. Is it because these people are all involved with someone, really not happy with it and want all others to be miserable like them just so they don’t have someone to be jealous of?