Saturday, February 10, 2007

Single life...a bad thing?

Why is it no one can believe that if you are single, you can possibly be happy and OK with who you are and where you are at in your life? That dating isn’t a priority and you can enjoy the rest of your life without the problems that come with dating? It seems every time I go out, and every time I see friends (particularly a certain group of friends and most particularly guy friends) the conversation always turns to my “single” status. And when I say I don’t even want to date, no one can just accept that?? When I state my being sick of the so-called “dating scene” and that I’m just tired of all the crap. I’ve dated a lot. My last boyfriend and I broke up in June of 1998. No, that is not a typo. Since that time, I’ve been on countless dates, met countless men and not a single one of them led to anything in the way of a relationship of any significance. There was one in there I saw almost everyday for about a month, a few others that were a date or two, maybe a few that led to three or four dates, but nothing that led to anything serious. And no, I’m not typing this and putting this out there for pity. Granted, a year or two ago I was very unhappy about this, I felt like a failure, loser or what not over and over again. What was so wrong with me that guys didn’t want anything more from me than to sleep with me (and no, it hasn’t been the case, that I’ve slept with them all on the first date and that’s why they didn’t call back!), and apparently if that didn’t happen right away, I wasn’t worth trying a little harder to get it. Those that I “slipped up with” and maybe did something stupid too soon usually didn’t choose to call back either. A couple of years ago I was on a mission to figure out what was “wrong” with me…I mean the fact that there were so many dates with so many different guys, guys that I met in so many different ways, that I figured it couldn’t be them, it had to something with me. Of course most of them, after not calling after they said they would, were not easy to get a hold of. All I managed to get out of the one or two that I got in contact with was, was the fact that I was really asking the wrong ones (talk about issues, one, a guy a couple of years older than me told me I wasn’t “mysterious” enough). Plus, in my heart of hearts, I probably already knew most of the answers to my questions anyway. At least somewhere…

So a year and a half ago I decided I needed to take a 6 month break from anything romantic to do with men… that didn’t last that long as a few months into that time I did end up kissing someone, did that mean I needed to restart the 6 months? Anyway, last February or so it finally just all came to a head. I don’t know what or why, I had still been looking last January, I was talking to a guy on Match.com (and I still have been talking to him, but a year later we haven’t met in person yet and I really don’t care one way or the other if we do, because I just don’t feel excited about him), and hanging out with a guy I had had a previous interest in and had disappointed me, well, we finally had a talk and ended up deciding to give casual dating a bit of a try, and it was OK for a bit, but once I had what I wanted (namely a chance to date him) I realized I really didn’t want him that much anymore so that went by the wayside and since that time, I just haven’t even been trying. Now about a year later and honestly, I still feel the same way. I’m not a “man hater” or “anti-dating” or anything like that. I like the way things are, but if the absolute right man came along, and there weren’t issues and it was there, I would throw it out. I don’t think I’m damaged anymore, I don’t have issues, baggage and the like, maybe it’s that I’m tired of being a cynic? Maybe my experiences have helped shape the things that happen though too. Who knows? All I know is that I actually am happy with the way things are in my life. At least some things, job, sure, I need a change, but in the meantime it is getting me experience and getting me by till I figure out what it is I want, I own a house, I own my car (well, if I were to sell my house I would own it, I bought it with an equity loan). I’m fairly intelligent, I’m fit and I have my running. Although this might be a problem too! Last night I was being questioned by a friend yet again and this is where the post is coming from. I told him it had been almost 9 years since I had had a “boyfriend”…this got him. As it gets everyone…OK, so I am damaged, there is something wrong with that (especially since it hasn’t been that whole time that I didn’t want to date) but I’m fine with it. The conversation (last night but also no matter who I’m talking with) always goes toward “there are decent men out there” then questions of where I’m meeting people, etc…I’m not trying to meet people. This is the thing that people can’t seem to get their mind around, that they can’t understand that I’m not looking (cause inevitably I hear the, “that’s when you’ll find someone”). No, it’s not, it really isn’t something I want. I like being able to come and go as I please, not have someone else I have to “report” to. I like getting home and eating my half box of Lucky Charms for dinner if I want (yes, that was dinner again last night), or nothing at all, getting up early and running or sleeping in. Not leaving the house at all, or going and running all kinds of errands. Keeping things incredibly neat, or slightly messy if I want. It’s my life and I can do what I want without getting someone else involved. I can sleep across the whole bed, go out or stay in…no one else has a say. My friends that are attached and/or married, don’t see happier than me and most seem kind of on the miserable side, I know it doesn’t have to be that way, but it’s my point of reference that I see. What it comes down to is I’d rather be alone alone, than alone with someone…The friend last night I asked me what I like, trying to get suggestions in on where I could meet people…this is my life and my typical week, I work day job, maybe workout at lunch and workout again after work, I get home, eat dinner, veg a bit and go to sleep. I work two nights a week at B&N (usually one of the weekend) and on Friday nights I go to my local hang out and hang out with the friends there (this was one of those friends). He was suggesting me getting involved in running clubs, OK, granted, I did say that was a resolution of mine, but so far I just can’t seem to get motivated to do that as I just like running when I want, running how far I want and doing what I want…I NEED to train by myself. OK, so I’m independent…is that a bad thing? Anyway, my point here is that running is “my time” and maybe I do have too much me time, but I like that. I don’t like getting interrupted with it. I also told him that I did talk to and give a guy my number last week, honestly I thought J4 would call, but reality is he hasn’t, and while I was interested and would’ve gone out with him, I’m not upset either. The friend I was chatting with also suggested C, when his name came up with regards to something that’s a nice guy and is single…(as I said, everyone knows everyone in this group and C is one that is part of this group) well, I pointed out I highly doubted that C was looking for something considering he just finalized his divorce. Sure, he wants what any guy wants, but not much more than that and the point of all this is, I can get that if I want it…other problem is, I think I’m starting to develop feelings for C…even though he’s so NOT what I want…he’s older than my age range, he smokes, which is a huge, huge, huge turn off to me, he has a kid, (and since I’m pretty sure I don’t want kids of my own, not really wanting to take on someone else’s kids) and he got burned really, really bad by his ex and in the divorce…so of course I would develop a thing for him, he’s absolutely unhealthy…but at the same time he’s funny, smart, cute…but anyway, it cannot and won’t go beyond that!! It can’t…I don’t need the baggage and issues!!

Anyway, enough rambling, I just want people to stop getting on my case about this because it’s only after these discussions, that on occasion, I start to feel a little like I want to be with someone, like something might be wrong with me and this isn’t right. Is it because these people are all involved with someone, really not happy with it and want all others to be miserable like them just so they don’t have someone to be jealous of?

3 comments:

Firefly's Running said...

9 YEARS?! WOW! You have definitely taken your time with guys and that's okay. Everyone has their own dating style..and that's a part of them. Do what's comfortable for YOU...not your friends. Sounds like you and need another vent night when I get back home.

JustRun said...

The thing about those questions is, there's never a good way to answer them. I've been there quite often and I'm sure I will be again and I still won't know what people want to hear.

All you can do is make yourself happy, make sure you're open to things you're ready for and appreciate life, no matter what tests and trials it brings. It's not all about absolute equations otherwise all of us successful, home-owning, funny, intelligent women would be attached already.

Full Metal Lunchbox said...

If you feel good about the decisions you've made, then nothing else matters.