Anticipation and Sadness

I have no motivation right now…I have my up weeks and then there are the down ones…this is a down one (we are talking work related here) so I’m taking a few minutes to write about it. I guess I get some ebbs and flows. I have times when I’m super busy, so much going on, I end up with a kink in my neck cause I don’t move much during the day and realize how on I was all day and relaxing at the end of it is hard. Right now it’s kind of a lull though and I’m letting things relax and pile up a bit and then I’ll have another busy time I suppose. I guess I have to look at the fact that I have a couple of easy weeks coming up too. Last week was short week due to my favorite of all holidays…A day you only have to shop to get some wine to bring to dinner, and then you hang out and eat and drink all day…and watch football of course...what more can you ask for? I was at my parents from Wednesady through early Friday afernoon and ate way too much and drank way too much (not much on T-day cause of too much on the night before, but oh well!).

This week is going to be short, but it will be painful. We will be burying my uncle, and he was military, so his funeral will be even tougher (the guns get to me more than anything else)…but on the other side of it, I also get on a plane this Friday to visit one of my best friends in the world and I can’t wait. I fly to Spokane, WA on Friday, get in around 10 am, she picks me up and we drive to Sandpoint, ID where she now lives and I’ll be there through Monday, December 3 (leave early, early in the day on the 4th) back home by noon so will be back to the office (that will be a long day) for a half day. Wine will be drunk, reminiscing will be had, hot tubbing will happen, we might even do some skiing of some sort if they get some snow before that…All I know is I’m so looking forward to this trip.

I also thought I was moving forward from L. Was making progress at least, but I had something hit me on my run on Monday night. One of my many conversations I have with myself while I run. I was just overcome by sadness again. And then while I was watching Dancing with the Stars (yes, I’ll admit to that, I love ballroom dance, doesn’t matter to me who is doing it, I wish I could do it myself!!) and one song kind of hit me…I’ve been doing well, but it started me crying again. Not so much for him, necessarily, because in the true essence of everything, he wasn’t providing me what I needed…but I missed the idea of what he constantly talked about and what I thought I would get from him…if that makes sense. It was the promises he never did and never would have fulfilled, but I liked the ideas he shared…the fact that in 6 months he hadn’t once followed through on the things he had mentioned us doing should’ve clued me in…but I just so wanted to believe in him and the love I thought I had for him and that he had me convinced he had for me…how sad is that. I was so strong and full being single I thought, and just a few words from one guy and I now feel like I’m missing something, but it's something that I never had, so how can I miss it?? What’s wrong with me?

Love Really is a 4 Letter Word

And that isn't a good thing. The panic came back. And this time it wasn’t a quick and painless resolution. Friday the weekend was looking so great, I booked my flight to visit my friends in Idaho, one of my best friends in the world, and person who I miss desperately, particularly now cause I know she’d be a big help/relief to me if she were only in town. I also had those Viking tickets, had determined my sister would be the one to come with me as even though we aren’t that close most times, we do have fun on the occasions we do hang out. I invited her to the game, she was going out with friends on Saturday for Halloween and invited me along and we all went out and had some fun, even though there were some issues going on in the back of my mind…finally ended up talking to L, to see if we could stay at his place since we were downtown, we hadn’t had plans for the weekend (which was part of the panic as we had had some issues but were working on them and suddenly things seemed weird again) but we got to his place and he and I started talking and a few hours later we were broken up…I was a little drunk and don’t remember every single thing we discussed, he was drinking as well, and some things that were brought up really should not have been, but it came down to some things that still I don’t get. While he had been talking longer term, and I was starting to believe it, suddenly he doesn’t see it working longer term and I still am left not knowing why. It’s only been 6 months, there are things you push through and work on, but the couple things I wanted he just didn’t have the energy to give…I guess the overall comes to he just doesn’t love me enough. What sucks is it took me longer to figure out, but I do love him, and it hurts and I’m feeling lost, after being so long out of a relationship and so happy with being single, and loving my life the way it was, I had this come to me, something I wasn’t really looking for, something I wasn’t expecting to find, and then it’s gone. I’m thinking of all the things we talked about doing, all the things that were in the works or talked about and all the little things that I’m going to miss…you know how it goes, the things you would’ve done differently had you known this was going to be the last time. I’m not even one for cuddling, but I want one more night to just snuggle in each others arms…and I know there were issues, I wasn’t getting what I needed/wanted from him that I wasn’t probably ever going to get, but now it doesn’t feel like it’s that important, I just want things to have worked out…and hearing from those close to me that I’ll find someone else, that I deserve what I wasn’t getting, that I’m a great person, etc…and you know what, I don’t want it. I don’t want to date again, I don’t want to get to know someone new, I don’t want to go through all the questions you have to ask, finding out the new things about someone else…I liked where we were getting to, the bit of history there and the more history we were building…and it hurts. Especially since my guard had been up for so long…it took time, but he wore away most of my guard and there was so much that now is lost. The idea of running Boston with him for fun the way we were going to, he was talking about an Ironman and the idea was crossing my mind…it’s all gone…