Monday, November 26, 2007

Anticipation and Sadness

I have no motivation right now…I have my up weeks and then there are the down ones…this is a down one (we are talking work related here) so I’m taking a few minutes to write about it. I guess I get some ebbs and flows. I have times when I’m super busy, so much going on, I end up with a kink in my neck cause I don’t move much during the day and realize how on I was all day and relaxing at the end of it is hard. Right now it’s kind of a lull though and I’m letting things relax and pile up a bit and then I’ll have another busy time I suppose. I guess I have to look at the fact that I have a couple of easy weeks coming up too. Last week was short week due to my favorite of all holidays…A day you only have to shop to get some wine to bring to dinner, and then you hang out and eat and drink all day…and watch football of course...what more can you ask for? I was at my parents from Wednesady through early Friday afernoon and ate way too much and drank way too much (not much on T-day cause of too much on the night before, but oh well!).

This week is going to be short, but it will be painful. We will be burying my uncle, and he was military, so his funeral will be even tougher (the guns get to me more than anything else)…but on the other side of it, I also get on a plane this Friday to visit one of my best friends in the world and I can’t wait. I fly to Spokane, WA on Friday, get in around 10 am, she picks me up and we drive to Sandpoint, ID where she now lives and I’ll be there through Monday, December 3 (leave early, early in the day on the 4th) back home by noon so will be back to the office (that will be a long day) for a half day. Wine will be drunk, reminiscing will be had, hot tubbing will happen, we might even do some skiing of some sort if they get some snow before that…All I know is I’m so looking forward to this trip.

I also thought I was moving forward from L. Was making progress at least, but I had something hit me on my run on Monday night. One of my many conversations I have with myself while I run. I was just overcome by sadness again. And then while I was watching Dancing with the Stars (yes, I’ll admit to that, I love ballroom dance, doesn’t matter to me who is doing it, I wish I could do it myself!!) and one song kind of hit me…I’ve been doing well, but it started me crying again. Not so much for him, necessarily, because in the true essence of everything, he wasn’t providing me what I needed…but I missed the idea of what he constantly talked about and what I thought I would get from him…if that makes sense. It was the promises he never did and never would have fulfilled, but I liked the ideas he shared…the fact that in 6 months he hadn’t once followed through on the things he had mentioned us doing should’ve clued me in…but I just so wanted to believe in him and the love I thought I had for him and that he had me convinced he had for me…how sad is that. I was so strong and full being single I thought, and just a few words from one guy and I now feel like I’m missing something, but it's something that I never had, so how can I miss it?? What’s wrong with me?


JustRun said...

As you probably know, nothing is wrong with you. For what it's worth, I think the ups and downs of feeling okay and then not-so-much are normal, and will slowly subside ( more slowly than we'd like, of course).

Have a great trip! The Eastern WA, ID area is SO beautiful- take pictures!

Nat said...

I agree with Justrun. I know exactly what you are going through. I got out of a 5 1/2 year relationship after "waiting" for him to give me what I needed. He never did and he never would have. The sadness you feel is normal and that is part of the healing process. Just try to enjoy seeing your friend and have a great time! That too, is just as much a part of the healing process as anything else.

teacherwoman said...

What you miss is something that you were looking for in a healthy, loving relationship. You probably thought it was there, or would be there... and now you are missing it.

Love can be blinding. I know my 4+ year relationship ended really bad and afterwards I realized it was for the best. He wasn't giving me what I needed, and he was following through on what he said he was going to do... It will get better. I promise.

Anonymous said...

Glad you had a good Thanksgiving weekend. And the countdown to your Idaho trip begins - yay! :)

Your comments about your former relationship show that you have definitely made progress at moving on. Even if you do get sad sometimes, at least now the sadness is for different reasons.

Have a good week!

Firefly's Running said...

Sadness is okay. Don't mask the grieving process. Face it head on and allow yourself to feel the feeling before moving on.

Anonymous said...

There is nothing wrong with you. I think anytime we lose someone who was a part of our life for good or bad we fill empty. But, time heals all wounds. You'll find your strength again - it might not be easy, but you'll find it. You are doing on the right things - going to visit friends, be with family, etc. Hang in there.
BTW, my thoughts are with you and your family this week.

Kurt said...

Your fine. L is an idiot. Your grieving for what the turd could have had with you but isn't there.

Give yourself time and recognize it isn't you. Your a wonderful, smart, attractive runner and you add a lot to the world.