Positive Thinking!!

I run because it's my passion, and not just a sport. Every time I walk out the door, I know why I'm going where I'm going and I'm already focused on that special place where I find my peace and solitude. Running, to me, is more than just a physical exercise... it's a consistent reward for victory! Sasha Azevedo

Happy Monday to all. We are having light snow showers (mixed with rain, it rained pretty much all day yesterday) but thankfully it’s not enough to accumulate and I don’t think it will.

The weekend was decent…even though I can’t run. I’m taking the advice of L (who I never did get around to seeing this weekend, with having been given Wolves tickets for last night and having a birthday party on Saturday night, it just wasn’t feasible to work out to see him) and taking the week off still. I haven’t run since Thursday morning and it bothers me, but I’m making the best of it. Saturday was gorgeous and instead of running, I got my bike out (it hadn’t been ridden in probably 2 years) and pumped up the extremely flat tires, put on my Garmin and took off for a ride to Target…yes, I turned my foot issue into a ride to run errands and save on gas for the trip too!! I even found a new little route I didn’t know about that made it a quick little jaunt up and across some quieter streets and then onto a bike path. And now that I know this route, it will make trips up to the lakes a little nicer this summer since I can bike it on the trails. I was also able to prove the theory that the scales are way off on distance and speed on the bikes at the gym. I’ve always trusted the t-mill since the time frame is equal to the distance usually, but how can the bikes be so off? Normally on a 30 minute gym ride I hit about 10.8 miles…so my ride to and from Target (and a little tacked on to make more distance and stay out longer) was about 1:03 and about 12.25 miles (I had to make a few guesses since I had forgotten to start my Garmin). Obviously something is off!! Neither place do I have cages or the pedals to clip in so I am only getting the push and not the pull…but still not sure why the difference. My bike is a mountain bike, so I realize more drag and will be slower, but still…

Anyway, foot…it’s still a bit sore, I’m stretching, icing, using a tennis ball and not running…hopefully all this shows some progress soon!! Saturday after the biking and all that I went out with friends for a friends birthday to a Jazz club. It was a fun evening and good music (not a big fan of Jazz but I can appreciate it and listen on occasion). Sunday I was just pretty much vegging, rested the food, cleaned some and then went to the Wolves game with a friend. A friend from the past…remember C? Well, yeah, he and I are talking again…I’m past all the stuff and you know, the past is the past and what’s the point in holding a grudge, we’re past it (of course I have to keep it secret from my sister)? Heck, I saw my sister on Friday and mentioned that I might see L over the weekend and all she could say was no, don’t do it (didn’t end up doing it anyway, but again with her thinking she knows best when it comes to me and boys) and I couldn’t get why. Seriously, I know it’s done, we both know it wasn’t going to work out between us, but why can’t we be friends? I mean L treated me a lot better than my sister’s current boyfriend treats her (let’s just say his attitude needs work and she makes constant excuse for him, which you know is NOT a good sign!!) and she has been with him more than two years and still puts up with it, even though concern has been expressed…if she’s happy, that’s what matters I guess. I’m at the point of realizing that you have to accept what others will do and we can’t decide what makes others happy and if it makes them unhappy, we can just be there for them when it comes to an end or end up alienating and losing relationships…I’ve seen it with numerous friends and life is for each person to decide right?

Lustful, Like Thing, or How do you Get Someone Bad out of Your Head?

Since it was asked about…I did not run into C last weekend…there was something that happened though that was upsetting and I’m realizing more that I do need to get over this thing. Full story?? C is someone I’ve known for a few years, first met him about 3 years ago when a friend of mine was separated and we started hanging out regularly at what is now my “spot”, my Cheers if you will. He was the friend of a friend there (actually went to junior high with another friend there so it’s a long intertwined story) and he was out with some buddies having just found out his wife was cheating. My friend’s husband was cheating as well and her and C were going to be “divorce buddies”…at least that is the term they used. Yeah, fun huh? Anyway, even though C caught his wife in the act, in their home, in their bed, he ended up opting out of divorce and stayed with her.

I first ran into him again last June, right before my marathon and he told me he was separated and getting divorced. Good for him, it was about time. No idea why he stayed as long as he had. His soon to ex was still calling him often, wanting to work things out even though she was in Denmark with her boyfriend…umm…yeah, that shows wanting to work things out right? Anyway, while C is attractive, I had no interest in getting involved in that can of worms. But I did watch someone else start to make a move on him, and enjoyed teasing him about it later...

Ran into him again sometime in November and went with him and a few others to a party…had fun, no big deal. Ran into him again a few weeks later and took him to a party, he drove me home (was not capable of driving and had no car anyway!) and again, thought nothing of anything. A few weeks later I see him again and he tells me how he had tried to get my number the next day as he hadn’t gotten it that night when I saw him. No idea why he wanted it, but I gave him to him this night. Whatever. Things keep progressing, he makes mention of seeing a movie (but never calls and follows through on actually doing that) we continue to see each other on occasion at my “place”…eventually he does come over for a movie one night. This was the end of December, right when he had filed for divorce which was final end of January. The night he filed, he was drunk and wanted to stay at my place, my parents were there, he was aware and I said fine, he stayed, met my parents, etc…he next sees me telling me how while the situation wasn’t great (we were sharing a twin mattress to sleep on!) it was cool meeting my parents. Another time he had been asking me about my running and said he was thinking about starting running. All things that you typically do when you are into someone and trying to get to know them and maybe find something more right? Not the kind of work you put in if all you're looking for is that "one thing". And all this time I’m thinking no, he’s bad, he’s not ready for anything (of course he also thought I was not ready for anything as I’m kind of anti-relationship most days!) but something wasn’t telling some part of me that…so I start getting interested.

I wasn’t aware, but the interest was growing. Eventually it all came to a head where I told him I wasn’t going to be able to deal with where he wanted things to go (take a guess) without there being something more. That I was tired of men coming after me just because they think they can have something from me (which is not the case) and that I’d be hurt if I saw him picking up other women while things were going on with us. He told me he couldn’t promise me I wasn’t a rebound thing and that was that. Oh, this had started when I told him how bad he was for me. The next week I see him and he is talking to another girl…and she’s not even cute…I let things go, he’s not mine after all, and that’s that. The next week he’s txting me a message about having been out “jogging” that week. A week later he’s asking about my house sale…in my mind, why do these things? Isn’t that just more indication that you are trying to get more from that person?

Anyway, it all culminated in a chat again, where he finally says, no, he’s not ready for a relationship (duh, the night he started talking to the other girl he’s telling me how his ex is still txting him and how she calls him and he still has feelings for her). After this chat, he is seen by me the next week, really drunk, talking to this other girl again. When I see him a few days later he’s telling me how he thinks she likes him…well…yeah…she does. That’s obvious, he can be quite charming if he wants to be and he turned on the charm for her. He’s telling me how she’s not even cute (which no, she’s not, and while I’m not high on myself, I know I’m cuter than her at least, she’s 35 and looks about 45, seems nice, but definitely not cute, but he says she’s interesting to talk to, they have stuff in common and honestly, I think he thinks I’m a dumb blonde…it’s frustrating and annoying that’s how most men seem to see me) and yadda, yadda…Well, none of this helps me though. Last Friday something snapped in me and I broke down over it, at the bar, in front of supposedly my best friend…she doesn’t know exactly the culmination of it all as she hasn’t been in the picture much due somewhat to work and a lot to boyfriend…anyway, she tells me I’m 32, I should’ve known better there were red flags etc…why did I like him…OK, all I wanted was a shoulder to cry on and some sympathy (as many of the girls in the bathroom were offering!) and this is being yelled at me from someone that I thought I could trust and would show compassion. It’s not like I’ve been crying to her for weeks about it…this was a first time, one time only thing. Yes, I realize I’m dumb for having started to like this guy, but I can’t help now what I feel and while I’m trying to get over it, it’s not easy. When you feel chemistry with someone in a way you haven’t felt for anyone in a really, really long time, it’s hard, and it hurts. Especially knowing that things might have been really great had timing not been so bad. Even when everything about him is not necessarily what you would’ve looked for or wanted, baggage that you always say you want to stay away from, but somehow, with this person, it’s not so bad because there are enough other things…how do you start to even get past all that?

Work and V-day

I realized in my little recap of the run from yesterday I didn’t mention anything about B&N…so I went to work on Monday night and had my walking papers (2 week notice letter) all ready to go, did this a few times last fall in fact too, but didn’t turn it in. I kind of was waiting for something to push me to it, and one of the things, the passive aggressive behavior of one of the managers (instead of flat out saying I was doing “wrong” by chatting for a minute or two, so sue me, it was a slow night, to one of the regular customers that I haven’t chatted with in a while) coming and “asking me” if I could go straighten in another area of the store, well away from the café where I was chatting (only because I had been in there to pick up books that needed to be put away I might add, so it’s not like I just walked over there to talk to him). Tomorrow I work again, and you never know…I might end up quitting then. It’s all just a matter of time. I do thank those who responded and yes, the idea of another part-time job has been in my mind, but the thing is there aren’t many other retail places I would want to work, a running store is about it, and I don’t think they have very high turnover and/or very many employees. I know the one I talked to last fall was full and even then the part-timers work from 10-30 hours a month…so we’ll see. It was sounding like might not be till spring that they might be hiring.

More work frustrations today too. I like my boss, he’s a nice guy, but he’s down in my office everyday right now wanting a status update on how things are with it, and then constant phone calls, even though I’ve been updating him end of the day, everyday, to let him know where things stand. Granted, he’s new, and this is a major project and we have a lot of pressure to have it all done/updates in by Friday, but all the phone calls, emails and stop bys don’t help…sigh…I might need to head out for a drink somewhere this evening…big problem is it’s February 14th, so one of the only nights that you can’t really go out, inconspicuously alone, and have a drink. Especially as a girl. The places that I wouldn’t mind running to for said drink, that are not far from home, are also probably not the best place to go alone…and unfortunately I don’t tend to go out during the week, and most of my friends are attached anyway, so really no one to go out with. I so hate this day. And no, not because I’m bitter single, but because it’s a day that recognizes the laziness and taking for granted that people do for each other. Why is it one day of the year should be taken to say I love you to those around you. Does an overpriced bouquet of red roses (and believe me guys, most women would much prefer a mixed bouquet of something that shows you have some imagination, sure have a red rose in it, but there are so many flowers and mixed bouquets are so pretty and most decent women don’t even care if they are from a nice flower shop, they can come from the grocery store or the farmer’s market, but the fact that you thought to buy them is the most important thing), maybe some expensive chocolates and possibly an expensive dinner one night of the year really make up for neglect the other 364 or 365 (in leap year!) days? Granted, it might be that everyday is love and that one day is extra romantic, but I don’t think that’s the reality…it also puts this extra pressure on. Hmm…I wonder if the approach of this holiday has anything to do with all the pressure I’ve suddenly been feeling that “I should be dating someone”…