It is April…

And fools we all are!

Yes, that’s what it looks like here, today. We got snow, yet again, last night. I spring ever going to come?? Or are we all fools?? I know it’s foolish to live in this cold, God forsaken state (we had an extremely cold winter, and I’m bitter about that and I want my favorite season to get here already!!), but I am feeling like a fool for other reasons as well. I sometimes wonder why I try, to be honest. I attempt to be a decent person. Mostly I attempt to be there for my friends and family…they do mean the world to me. No matter the situation, or what has happened in the past, I try to always be there to help them get through whatever it might be, even though I rarely get reciprocation from it, especially from the ones I try to help the most.

Something has been brought to my attention, and I’m wondering how many times the fool I can be and when it all will stop? Sometimes you have to cut your losses right? Sometimes no matter how much you try, some relationships just aren’t healthy for you. And to maintain your happiness, your sanity or whatever it might be, sometimes you just have to let go. When you’ve been there, done that and know, at least to a degree, what you are and are not willing to put up with, and you have someone that is on the sidelines of your life that sees, and knows and understands only small aspects of the person you are, and from those very rare occasions, has decided to use them to make judgments of you, to assume the person that you are from these tiny incidents in time, well, that gets to be a bit much, and you sometimes have to say enough is enough.

Being told you have a drinking problem (because the few instances you go out with said person, said person usually wants to drink, because said person never gets to, and then you are judged on your behavior when you are drunk). Being told that you are “high on yourself” (when nothing could be further from the truth) based on one time, one instance and a lack of knowledge of multiple other times I may have been in similar situations and have learned how you HAVE to act sometimes. Being called a snob because, after years and years of dating experience, and dating unhappiness, I’ve finally figured out what it is that I will and will not put up with from someone, and refusing to date substandard guys, and only I can determine (based on above mentioned experiences) what constitutes a substandard guy to me. Of course, not being careful on how I stated my intentions of why most recent guy is not one for me (even though it was never an option anyway), I stated he was a server, what I didn’t add to that was he has no other ambitions (or if he does have ambitions, they aren’t ambitions that he’ll ever move on) and he spends every dime he gets (I grew up saving, having money around for emergencies and/or when you have something fun you want to do), and therefore should be a red flag anyway. Even that said, it’s now why he wasn’t an option…I was open to seeing, and he wanted an FWB, and you know what, I deserve better than that. The situation went way beyond anything, and my not wanting to date “a server” has caused a person in my life to decide this is a reflection of how I see her and how I judge her. I’m not sure still, how that is, but it is, according to her. I don’t judge my friends. No matter what they do, or how they are, mistakes they keep making…I’m there for them. I try to offer advice, but I don’t say hey, you do this or that or whatever and that makes you a bad person (OK, those words weren’t uttered but the intent was there and it seems to be constant criticism from this person)

The statement was made to me, that by not dating “outside the field of what I look at” (no one but me knows the types of guys I’ve been out with over, oh, say the past 10 years right? So again, how can someone know what I have and have not dated and reasons for making decisions I have)? I’ve also been told that I’m passing by people that might make me happy. Well, you know, I’m not looking for happiness from someone. I’m happy with myself and I don’t want or expect someone else to make me happy because to be happy, you have to be happy with yourself. Someone else can’t do that for you. Personally, while I have my times when sure, someone to go out with on occasion would be nice, I’m still not even really looking. Granted, if someone could introduce me to a really great guy, and/or somehow I ended up meeting some really great guy somewhere along the way, I’m not going to rule him out, but at the same time, I’m fine if I never meet that “great guy” either…My life is full. I have my running. I have my work. Hopefully soon I’ll have school, which will take a huge chunk of my time. And I have friends and family. I’m fine with however it ends up. With someone, not with someone, no regrets either way. But each year I get a little pickier, a little smarter and a little more knowledgeable about whom I will and will not date and no one else should have any say or judge me for my decisions.

I always seem to be defending my decisions, at least to this person. And why should I have to? It’s my life right? When it comes down to it, nothing I say or do is going to matter anyway. Some people will still only see the bad, only point out your faults and only do what they can to try to bring you down….it’s life right? And really, if I'm such a bad person, people can choose to not be around me in the first place right?

At least hottie happiness got me through part of yesterday!!

And He Runs

That's right...I got to the gym today, hit the track at 5:45 and saw my hottie on a treadmill...the temptation was very strong to get on one of the two empty treadmills on either side of him (even though that violates the invasion of space rule!) and I am so bored by the treadmill these days...I only use the track or outside, but that's just how cute he is. Anyway, I stuck to the track and just admired him as I ran past each lap...till at 2 miles for me, he got off the mill and headed out...and then I discovered he was in the weight room! Nice thing about the track, there are a couple of spots where you can see down to the weight room, so I got to see him a few more times...wonder if he'll be there tomorrow...wonder if I will...Oh, and I did get 7 miles in...and a decent pace, 1:01:30...I finally timed myself with an actual watch and not the clock I normally am using. I'm still pretty sure the track is accurate and I always run the outside lane...

I am amazed I was able to get up this morning. Last night I was at work till after 5 (I'm in at 7:30 so yes, that makes for a long day), I got home, took a quick power nap, got up, got dressed, snacked way too much and then a friend happens to be in town for training for work so we finally managed to get together for dinner and a drink and caught up. Hopefully he'll be joining up with me and some other friends to see a band on Saturday. I have yet to see them play, but the lead singer/namesake for the band used to be part of a friend's band and has an amazing voice so looking forward to checking them out.

Support Networks

Suppose it’s time to stop with the downer posts. Not much else to write about, well, I have all kinds of things I seem able to compose in my head on runs and never manage to remember what I wanted to say when I get near a computer…Anyway, I am still in a state over numerous things but it’s to be expected…I can take at least a month or two to grieve right? But this week I do have to allow for a bit of getting out of the house…I have house guests coming tonight. Denise and Josh are going to be here sometime a bit later tonight (after my bedtime, am I pathetic or what since they should be there by 10?) and are staying with me tonight and tomorrow. Tomorrow is Denise’s birthday and we are going out for that…she is in for some surprises too, but there will be going out then. Friday and Saturday though I think I’ll stay in. I have options to go out on Saturday and just not sure I feel up to it. I might just hit a nice 10 miler since it’s supposed to be back in the 50s (as opposed to the 30s and 40s so far this week) and then just veg at home. We’ll see. I have the house to myself as my roommate is hanging at her boyfriends for the next few days. I’ve been a bit disappointed in a friend though. She is one I helped through her divorce from her ex, who cheated on her…I was there when she was going through it all, debating taking him back, when it finally fell apart, all the guys she dated and/or just hung out with in that time. Going out with her as she needed etc…and now since her divorce has been final and she’s now involved with someone else that she plans to marry and get pregnant with soon, she is never around. I used to see her at least a few times a week, then at least once a week and now she’s been busy with work and I get that, but I maybe see her once a month…and on those times all I get to hear is complaints about him and then it sometimes tends to be an early night. I hadn’t even had an email or anything from her in a while, responded to a joke she forwarded me on Monday, she asked what was new, I told her about L and her response was are you sad? When I said of course and ranted a bit she told me I should’ve called her last week as she had been around, and that she was here to go out to dinner, drink, movie whatever I needed…and that she would’ve called me right then but didn’t want to upset me at work and had a conference call…this was all yesterday…I had responded that I didn’t want to leave the house (I guess when someone says that to me, I feel it’s my job to drag them out and cheer them up but that’s just me and/or call and make sure they are OK) and I had friends in town for the next couple of days and then I was probably staying in all weekend…so nothing back from her regarding any of this yet today and no call or anything last night to be sure I was OK. When she was going through her stuff, I was calling her constantly just checking in to be sure she felt OK. Apparently a break up with someone you had only been dating for 6 months isn’t as big of a deal. And it’s not like I’m getting divorced right? The thing that sucks so much is that I really don’t have a support network around me. Granted, I’ve had a lot of people over to talk, told me to call, and have tried calling me, and I haven’t felt up to it, but someone who has known me as long as she has, and who I was there for should be able to be there for me…my roommate has a boyfriend, she’d be there to go out, but, well, not sure what I feel there…another friend married with 3 kids, no chance to go out, another friend, divorced with a 5 year old, no chance to go out as babysitters are expensive and going out usually isn’t in her budget…others are around but not really reliable no matter what…so even if I wanted to go out, not really an option…wow, I’m pretty pathetic. I’ve been saying I need to get to know more people, one of these days maybe I will…or maybe I’ll just get back into the staying in, hanging at home, and just running and working out…nothing wrong with that. I did get 6 in yesterday. I was tight through both glutes and hamstrings due to lunges the day before so no idea if things are improving or not, but going to see the chiro soon to find out. I’m just getting so frustrated as nothing seems to work…this has been going on over a year. I’m doing the stretches and strength work, I’m starting to strength train. I took time off running. I’m building back up slowly…I’m doing everything right…I just want to feel good and have running feel good again.

Twins Win!

I’m not a big fan of baseball, but my mom is, and she loves her Twins and through my work we have sets, so I was able to get 4 tickets and use them for the game on Saturday night. My dad hadn’t been to a Twins game since the old Met Stadium (for those not from MN that’s where the Mall of America, which most have heard of, now stands) so it’s been a long time. It also seemed to be about the time for L to meet my parents. He’s been in the picture a while, he’s becoming more and more important in my life and I thought, well, let’s make that step. It seemed to have gone well. Dad asked him when he was coming to my home town, so we’ll have to make a trip at some point. Not for a bit yet though, lots of family things over the next couple of weekends. Here are how good the seats were and a few neat shots I got.

I just found the Sepia setting on my camera...this turned out quite cool.

Home run for Tori.

Our side arm pitcher...quite interesting to watch!

With a tie of 2/2, and a count of 3/2 (only 1 out) Mauer hits an in field home run at the bottom of the 8th with 2 runners on.

And the Twins win!

Rest of the weekend wasn’t too bad. I ran 17 miles on Saturday morning and another 4 on Sunday I managed 40 miles for the week. I’d like to maintain that for the next few weeks (except maybe lighter next week if I run the half I’m considering) and just see where I get to. I maybe got a bit spoiled on that last long run, due to a miscommunication on Friday night (that was thankfully resolved well) L didn’t help me with the long run on Saturday and I missed having someone to look forward to seeing every few miles (not to mention someone with an icy bottle of water and some Powerade) and he told me he was actually bummed about it too as he had a lot of fun helping me on my run last time, so next one will hopefully be with aid! Sunday I had to drop L at the airport kind of early as he is out east for a bike race this week that the team he works for is participating in, he comes back on Monday and I should also be able to pick him up. Sunday I got to catch up with a friend though, and that was nice. We hadn’t see each other in about 2 ½ months I think and she’s been through some stuff and seems like things are coming around and she’s finding herself, which is awesome. I like to see my friends getting to happier places and figuring out their lives and things they need to help them get happy.

Looks like some steamy times coming up, but that’s fine…I can still run, even when it’s 90 degrees and 70% humidity (yes, these are the tropics!) I just might be getting up earlier this week and running before work…

One More Day

Well, today really most likely is my last "work" day. I'm here till about 1:30/2, home for a quick nap, then maybe a quick run, then down to my sister's to meet her for the drive to my home town. My cousin graduates from high school tonight and tomorrow is her grad party and I haven't been home since Christmas, so it's probably about time I get home. My grandma's miss me.

Anyway, this week has been crazy and still no time to update the blog. I really need to get back on this! Monday I worked at B&N, Tuesday I was off and vegged and tried to get stuff done at home and then Wednesday was my last night at B&N and at 7:40 that night the power went out and didn't come back on till about 8:50, by that time it wasn't worth trying to reopen as it takes too long to get things back online, so we cleaned a bit and then were sent home around 9:40...nice. Instead of going home and to bed though, a co-worker and I went to have a beer and got sucked into a trivia game (that we kicked butt first round on, but sucked the next 3!). It was midnight before I got home which was bad because Thursday night the same co-worker and I were planning to see Pirates 3, at World's End at the 9:00 showing which we knew would end up being later. He doesn't work till late today, but I had to work early so it's a rough day so far, but oh well. The movie was quite good. I definitely enjoyed it. Lots of funny scenes and who can not want to stare at Mr. Depp for 2 1/2 hours (OK, maybe some guys don't, but come on ladies, even in dreads and messed up teeth he looks good!), as kind of a joke, my friend even brought me a belated birthday present, a Jack Sparrow pillow case (mainly cause I had talked about dressing up for the movie, glad I didn't, no one in our theater was dressed up), so now Johnny is always in my bed...nice huh? After the movie, which got out around midnight, my friend and I were chatting, I was giving him advice on a woman he is into, but the big problem no matter what though is he is moving to Florida next Friday, so why he wants to get involved I don't know, but hey, to each their own right? She supposedly wants to come visit, but he's not sure if it's as more then friends or just a friend thing...I gave him my best thoughts, not knowing her, and we did leave with hopes that we'll meet up one more time before he heads out next Friday, but if not, hopefully I'll get out to visit him.

It's kind of funny as while he's a friend, at one point I felt something more for him, and there was a brief time where, if not for mixed signals and hurt and anger and all kinds of weird stuff, we might have been more, we did go out a couple of times, but I just think the timing was never right and we both figured out it wasn't going to happen and have just managed to be good friends. It's weird how things like that can happen. I can't exactly call him an ex, but of people I have been out with and/or had feelings for in that way, I think he's the only one that's still a friend. And that I can hang out with and actually joke about our past and not think anything of it. It's going to be sad to see him leave town and not be able to hang out on occasion after work. But life changes, we move on, and I'm no longer part of B&N and after Wednesday he won't be either...well, he will be, he's transferring stores for a time at least, but you know...all the changes, cycles and what not that we go through in life. The people that come and go, the ones that stay, the ones that are remembered fondly, and not so fondly...they all make us who we are though right? All this waxing nostalgic as I'm preparing to make my next big jump, and watching my cousin make her next big jump...it's just so weird.