Tuesday, April 01, 2008

It is April…

And fools we all are!

Yes, that’s what it looks like here, today. We got snow, yet again, last night. I spring ever going to come?? Or are we all fools?? I know it’s foolish to live in this cold, God forsaken state (we had an extremely cold winter, and I’m bitter about that and I want my favorite season to get here already!!), but I am feeling like a fool for other reasons as well. I sometimes wonder why I try, to be honest. I attempt to be a decent person. Mostly I attempt to be there for my friends and family…they do mean the world to me. No matter the situation, or what has happened in the past, I try to always be there to help them get through whatever it might be, even though I rarely get reciprocation from it, especially from the ones I try to help the most.

Something has been brought to my attention, and I’m wondering how many times the fool I can be and when it all will stop? Sometimes you have to cut your losses right? Sometimes no matter how much you try, some relationships just aren’t healthy for you. And to maintain your happiness, your sanity or whatever it might be, sometimes you just have to let go. When you’ve been there, done that and know, at least to a degree, what you are and are not willing to put up with, and you have someone that is on the sidelines of your life that sees, and knows and understands only small aspects of the person you are, and from those very rare occasions, has decided to use them to make judgments of you, to assume the person that you are from these tiny incidents in time, well, that gets to be a bit much, and you sometimes have to say enough is enough.

Being told you have a drinking problem (because the few instances you go out with said person, said person usually wants to drink, because said person never gets to, and then you are judged on your behavior when you are drunk). Being told that you are “high on yourself” (when nothing could be further from the truth) based on one time, one instance and a lack of knowledge of multiple other times I may have been in similar situations and have learned how you HAVE to act sometimes. Being called a snob because, after years and years of dating experience, and dating unhappiness, I’ve finally figured out what it is that I will and will not put up with from someone, and refusing to date substandard guys, and only I can determine (based on above mentioned experiences) what constitutes a substandard guy to me. Of course, not being careful on how I stated my intentions of why most recent guy is not one for me (even though it was never an option anyway), I stated he was a server, what I didn’t add to that was he has no other ambitions (or if he does have ambitions, they aren’t ambitions that he’ll ever move on) and he spends every dime he gets (I grew up saving, having money around for emergencies and/or when you have something fun you want to do), and therefore should be a red flag anyway. Even that said, it’s now why he wasn’t an option…I was open to seeing, and he wanted an FWB, and you know what, I deserve better than that. The situation went way beyond anything, and my not wanting to date “a server” has caused a person in my life to decide this is a reflection of how I see her and how I judge her. I’m not sure still, how that is, but it is, according to her. I don’t judge my friends. No matter what they do, or how they are, mistakes they keep making…I’m there for them. I try to offer advice, but I don’t say hey, you do this or that or whatever and that makes you a bad person (OK, those words weren’t uttered but the intent was there and it seems to be constant criticism from this person)

The statement was made to me, that by not dating “outside the field of what I look at” (no one but me knows the types of guys I’ve been out with over, oh, say the past 10 years right? So again, how can someone know what I have and have not dated and reasons for making decisions I have)? I’ve also been told that I’m passing by people that might make me happy. Well, you know, I’m not looking for happiness from someone. I’m happy with myself and I don’t want or expect someone else to make me happy because to be happy, you have to be happy with yourself. Someone else can’t do that for you. Personally, while I have my times when sure, someone to go out with on occasion would be nice, I’m still not even really looking. Granted, if someone could introduce me to a really great guy, and/or somehow I ended up meeting some really great guy somewhere along the way, I’m not going to rule him out, but at the same time, I’m fine if I never meet that “great guy” either…My life is full. I have my running. I have my work. Hopefully soon I’ll have school, which will take a huge chunk of my time. And I have friends and family. I’m fine with however it ends up. With someone, not with someone, no regrets either way. But each year I get a little pickier, a little smarter and a little more knowledgeable about whom I will and will not date and no one else should have any say or judge me for my decisions.

I always seem to be defending my decisions, at least to this person. And why should I have to? It’s my life right? When it comes down to it, nothing I say or do is going to matter anyway. Some people will still only see the bad, only point out your faults and only do what they can to try to bring you down….it’s life right? And really, if I'm such a bad person, people can choose to not be around me in the first place right?

At least hottie happiness got me through part of yesterday!!


Kurt said...

Your absolutely right never settle for sub standard. Your way to good for that. Besides being attractive your obviously smart and a great runner.

Runner Leana said...

I agree with you - happiness within yourself is most important and it sounds like you have that down. You definitely don't need toxic friends either. You have a great attitude, don't let others get to you.

Firefly's Running said...