Impressions from Chicago

I was following the Chicago marathon yesterday, and though my dial up is so slow at home and I was having issues getting to the site, I managed to follow up on people I knew that were running it thanks to another friend following and posting to one of my on-line running groups and then I did talk to one of my friends upon her finish via a phone call...I also managed to finally get onto the site and check on a few others that I knew were running...And it gave me mixed feelings. I have one friend that was wanting to qualify for Boston, but she started to adjust her goal and was shooting for about a 3:25 and she ran a 3:36. She got her BQ and that's awesome, but I know the slower time will probably have her a bit bummed, but it also scares me. I saw her training and the results on some of her prep races and she was doing awesome, and she didn't quite get her time goal. I still think she did fabulously, especially considering the fact that it was so cold in Chicago. But if her training got her the BQ but not the other time goal, I don't know how my training can possibly get me the 3:35 that I was shooting for. I have another friend that was shooting to break 3 hours and he ran a 3:06, which I don't believe is a PR for him, and I have a feeling, knowing him, he might be a bit disappointed by that, and I also know he had fears and worries about his marathon training this time around. This was his third marathon this year as well, and honestly, I think he did fantastically, but it does again have me worried. He was freaking about his training as much as me and didn't quite get his goal, so how can I possibly get mine? Now I have another friend that was shooting for a PR, but wasn't sure how he would do, he had done the training but he was out to have a good run...well, he ran a PR and then some. I believe he wanted to run a 3:20 or better and he ran 3:18 or something like that, so he did fantastically. It just shows all conditions and changes and things can affect everyone different and you just never know...although it doesn't necessarily help me one way or the other in my feelings. My biggest detriment to my run is going to be myself. My mental self that is. When I ran track, yes, I was running for myself, but I ran a lot of relays, you were running for other people and it required a lot of intensity, intensity that I didn't necessarily always have in comparison to the others, funny thing is I bet now I could outrun any of the girls that were faster than me, except one...but I battled myself and had a partial giving up. I have to somehow get past that on Sunday. The thing I have never put in print, or verbalized to anyone about my Marathon to Marathon is the fact that I defeated myself. I was on Boston pace. That wasn't the plan, I wanted to break 4 hours, however, I decided to see how I felt at 3 miles and bump up the pace if I felt good...and I felt good so I bumped up the pace. I made up the time I was down and up to mile 20 I was on Boston pace, but I started to hurt at mile 20 and I didn't want to keep it up. Six miles just seemed way too long and I decided I couldn't keep the pace up for that distance, so I started walking through the water stops AND I took a bathroom break. The bathroom break wasn't 100% necessary, I could've gone another hour without it, but I think I took it to add more time to the over BQ time I was going to be. If I had missed by only a minute or so, I would've probably been hitting myself so much for that, but I added another 30 seconds with that stop, and came in 1:55 over what I would need. I guess it was enough to make me not worry so much about the fact that I missed it. But the honest truth is, there is a chance I could've done it. I just talked myself out of it and I'm worried that I could do the same thing to myself on Sunday. I just don't seem to have the drive and desire to do things always to the best of my ability anymore and I don't know what's wrong and/or what changed in me to bring this on, but it's not a good thing.