Tuesday, October 17, 2006

No Self Confidence...

I'm having a breakdown...I almost should post this someplace where I can keep it completely private. This is almost a journal entry, not something I should probably share with potentially the whole world, but I have to vent somehow. I'm definitely in the process now of looking for a different job. I liked the work, and most of the customers at Barnes & Noble, and it was a "fun" type job, but now it sucks. It's totally destroyed my self-esteem and last night I actually left the store and started crying. A part-time job should not make you cry. I stupidly re-read the review. It was actually stated in there that I need constant supervision, that I have no sense of urgency, and basically I translate it all to say I'm a crappy worker and I suck at yet another thing. And then last night I, oh horror of horrors, was having a nice time conversing with a customer. And of course it was near where both managers on duty last night could see me pretty easily, one of them actually told him I had to get back to work and basically to leave me alone, then read me the riot act about spending so much time with customers. I'm sorry, but I enjoy talking to people and getting to know new people, this is also a guy who is a runner...that's why I started talking to him. He had a half marathon shirt on. In his younger days (he looked to be late 40s) he told me he had run a 2:48 marathon...and he was giving me tips. He was commending me on my runs and times, I mean to have someone that has run a 2:48 telling me that my 1:44 half was great and that I was a fantastic runner and shaking my hand and telling me I was going to do well at MCM, well that was something I needed, having to get yelled at over doing it was something I did not need though. I'm an adult, I'm sorry that I can't be rude to people and send them on their way, no matter what the customer is going on about, I'm never rude, and OK, this conversation I was enjoying, but I've been involved in many that I haven't liked and still was fine. That's the thing, if the conversation had been just me being polite, nothing would've been said or done I'm sure...Now though, I'm questioning everything about myself...it's taper time, I'm questioning my running ability, the training I've done, etc...and now I don't feel like I'm even a worthwhile person. I apparently am not good at any job I do...I just so desperatly want to be past all this. I want to find something I'm good at in the workforce...I'm having troubles at both jobs and I just feel like I'm never going to find something that is right for me. I really am feeling worse and worse about myself as time goes on, and all this is ticking down to my marathon and setting up higher and higher expectations, when I don't meet my goals, which I just don't think is going to happen, what is that going to do to me?? Why can't I find my self confidence? I so need a change...but it's not like I can just pack up and move. I need to find a job before I can do that. And to top that all off, I am eating terribly and going the wrong way on the scale...I'm going to be carrying at least 2 more pounds than my last marathon and there I missed my BQ by 2 minutes...carrying 2 more pounds (or more) can't help.

5 comments:

MartyTheFool said...

Hey D!
I think your manager SUCKS. I'll bet that customer never comes back. I wouldn't, not after having a manager basically tell me to get lost. Whats with american companies? Don't they understand relationship building?

I feel your pain on the taper. On days I don't run my stress level goes through the roof. Hang in there, race is on the way! We will miss you in Chicago this year.

I hope your JOB thing gets better.

the fool

Firefly's Running said...

What a jerk!! Is there a way to talk to HIS boss? I would be not surprised if that customer does not call to speak to his boss. Sounds like the B&N needs to get NOW before it affects your full-time job or your self-esteem. You deserve better. I would even ask to transfered to another store, if you can.

Danielle said...

Oh, the store manager would've been the same way. The customer wasn't actually told to leave, just to leave me alone. I've seen other employees talking to customers, granted they are helping them pick out books, but spending tons of time with the customer and this same manager one night got on my case for spending 20 minutes or so with a customer looking for running books...yes, I talked to him a bit more, finding out what he wanted and figuring out what was best for him...heck, he bought a running log even that I would have told him to save his money on, but oh no, I spent 20 minutes with a customer...

Kurt said...

i agree, find another job. In the end it isn't worth what it is doing to you to put up with it.

Don't worry about the weight, just focus on your training plan.

You will do good at the MCM. Trust yourself.

Ginger Breadman said...

I'm so sorry you had to deal with all that crap. Sometimes the politics in a job are insane - sounds like you'd be way better off and happier somewhere else. Don't get so down from how you were treated. You know deep down inside what kind of person you are. Take a deep breath. Don't let it affect your whole world. Figure that maybe it all happened for a reason - to force you to change jobs for your own benefit. Take some time to do something positive for yourself. And NEVER feel bad about what you blog about - it's YOUR blog, right? You never know who'll benefit from reading your honesty. It's refreshing that you can be real.