Thursday, April 27, 2006

Highs and Lows...

Well, life is about ups and downs right?

This week has been a weird one for me. A cutback in my training and it’s driving me a little batty…weird cause normally I don’t even get taper nuttiness because by that point I’ve always been ready to cut back my running and am tired and what not, but this year it’s been a strong drive in me that has just been building and building, my last break actually came at a good time as I was on vacation, but I’ve been up and gung ho since then and things have been so on track that I don’t know what to do with the cutback…I needed help. I needed running friends who would understand…And I have two groups that while there have been issues off and on with both at times, I figured they would understand as they have all been there at some point. Some of the people in the group have been sidelined with injuries and can’t run, I do feel for them and have tried to be sympathetic and supportive, in fact when I was on vacation I talked to one of them and was ready to gush about the great runs I’d been having and thought, no, he’s hurt, he can’t run, that’s unfair, and said as much to him. But he told me that was OK, he was fine hearing about it even though he couldn't be out there…but I did mellow it out a bit. I have others I can talk to and always share with my parents although they really have no clue about it, but they do try, God bless them. I really do need to get more involved in the local running community, which I’ve been saying for a while, but even more so now…just because of some things that have been happening with the groups I’m part of. They aren’t local, and I just don’t think I fit in. It always seems things are going along fine, I’m posting, responding, talking what not and then suddenly I say the wrong thing and I’m flamed, slammed, whatever…and I take things so personally, which I shouldn’t, but I do…

I have no self-confidence. This is something that I know that about myself and I know it’s a weakness. It’s something I need to work on but am not sure how. Things had come around a bit after getting my job, then I had a setback. A horrible, horrible setback last fall…I started overcoming that by running like a madwoman…and while my esteem I didn’t think about, but man, has it improved my running. I’m just still amazed, stunned and overjoyed by how runs have been going. I’ve once again found the JOY OF RUNNING!!! it’s not something I dread going out to do, it’s not something I do to get done, it’s something I actually look forward to and can’t wait, even after a not so great one cause the great ones have been more so than the not so great ones…and just to express this joy once again, I posted something to the effect of my cutback week and how much it was killing, just to, I don’t know, let off some steam and throw something out there…and I had some responses that were basically what I was looking for…then yesterday I had the low…a response that told me to stop whining, that there are those that can’t run (I interpreted that to say that I have no compassion for that with this message) and that my message was apparently just boasting…OK, I’ve never been accused of being a boaster…braggart, whatever…self-esteem problems and all, it’s not my nature to brag about myself…be amazed and shocked by things I’m doing, and have done, sure, but never boasting about it. I answer questions asked, I try to take accolades, but am not one to boast about myself. I just can’t. Although, in retrospect, is it so wrong to boast or brag about something going on that’s really good? I mean what are the race reports, the met PR postings, the great run postings, the training reports, etc if not each of us boasting about our accomplishments?? No one is so callous to not sympathize with those injured, it could be any one of us, but the group I thought was meant to be a place to be surrounded by support…for the bad and the good…to ask questions, to seek help, to sympathize and to celebrate…boasting, I still don’t see it…I was just happy, in a goofy mood and didn’t think before I posted. If the post was hurtful to those that can’t run, I do heartily apologize for it, it was never meant to be mean in any way…But I think it’s also shown me, something I’ve suspected for a while, but I just don’t fit in. Not in either place. I don’t think I’d even be noticed if I left. There weren’t any responses to my flame, maybe everyone else agrees…I don’t know…but I think my posting days are done…and it makes me sad, it’s been a 2 year journey with a lot of these people, trips to meet up, chats on and off the group and on and off the phone…it’s been a big part of my life, but then how can you be around a situation where you don’t think people even really care. I have that effect on people though. It’s why I’ve traveled the lonely road for so long, and I question the few friends that I do have. I mean honestly, I wouldn’t be friends with me or chose to be around me if I didn’t have to, so why would anyone else want to be. But this is me, I don’t know what I could change, or what it is that so gets on people…ah well…At least I have my running…

5 comments:

'Zilla said...

Oh, hon. I hear you.

And, there were responses, trust me.

You have found that joy, and it's SO amazingly good to see it in you. I've known you for a bit, and this is new. This is different. It's beautiful. Don't you DARE let *anyone* take that away from you. Share it with others (like you do). Cherish it.

Now, go take a nice hot bath, light candles, pour a glass of wine. As my grandmother said, "Take a good hot bath. Everything will be better in the morning." It's tried and true. It works. Trust me. :)

Kathy said...

You have alot of pent up energy! There's nothing wrong with that girl! I'm way behind on posts so I'm not sure what was said, but I'm behind you!! I think you rock! Keep on runnin' chickie!

Kurt said...

Nice post Dani, very expressive. I think your idea of being more involved in a local group is good.

Your a good runner believe in it and you will find your confidence growing.

Ima Runner said...

You know you have my support. You are doing so well. Shout it out anywhere you want!

Andy said...

I noticed you've been absent and I had an I had a feeling that I knew the reason. I wanted to respond to the post, but didn't want to start a war. You weren't boasting and I think your feelings were misinterpreted.

Anyway, get involved with the locals if you can. I'm sure you'll find it very rewarding.

As for the groups, I get frustrated at times too, but just shrug and move on.