Should I Stay or Should I go?

I have to work tonight. Guess what? I don’t want to work tonight. In fact I never want to go to work at B&N again. I had an epiphany on Saturday night, but with all the blogging I did in my rant about singlehood and my update on my run I just didn’t get time to blog about my night and my epiphany…B&N is full of negative energy. It’s bringing me down and probably a huge reason why things have been off for me lately. Why people who don't obey the laws and let their dogs run without leashes bother me. And why, when normally I've been a huge dog lover, all the barking dogs on the yards annoy me. I'm taking in all this negative and I need to get it out, so my attitude sends it back out and prevents me from "not sweating the small stuff." Ever since the new year, when I made a decision to be more upbeat, happy and putting positive energy out there, it’s been harder and harder to be in that place. Customer’s are worse now than they ever have been. I don’t go a single shift without dealing with someone that is just out to cause problems and/or pick a fight (case in point last Wednesday when I was standing at the one computer at our info desk and a guy came to the counter, near the other computer and as far away from me as he could get, was diddling in his notebook, so apparently didn't have a question, then I heard him saying excuse me, kind of quietly and thought he was on his phone, I was watching for those that might need help, when I finally realized he was talking to me, so I looked at him and he finally walked over to where I was standing and at the same time complaining that he has “been trying to get my attention for at least 40 seconds”…umm, yeah, why don’t you come to where I am for help. Idiot, and he wasn’t one of the old crotchety ones either, come on people, if someone is standing at a computer, go to where they are, not the complete opposite side from them) and criticism from the managers. Seriously, for all that I get criticized (and no, it’s not just them picking on me, I know others hear it too) you’d think I should be fired from the place. Saturday night it was a “make sure you are doing recovery and not just standing there for an hour. There was a lot of recovery in kids when you were over there.” Umm, yeah, the manger had come into kids 10 minutes before I left and when just 5 minutes before suddenly a ton of people had come into the department, prior to that it had been quiet and I had put all things that were out away…can’t exactly put it away when customer’s are looking at it can I?? So basically for $8.25 an hour, 5 hours at a time, 2 shifts a week I get to be put down by customers, criticized by managers and made to feel even more low about myself than I do most other times. And in exchange I don’t get to go to bed when I feel like going to bed, I get to stand around instead of relaxing and/or getting runs and/or other workouts in. I find myself so drained from all the negative stuff that I can’t seem to find the energy that I need for my runs anymore…oh and dealing with crappy customers sends me to the café where I eat chocolate cupcakes, cinnamon rolls and on some occasions cheesecake that I don’t need, not when I’m trying to lose 6 more pounds!! (oh, and eating them later at night so I get sugar in my system and can’t get to sleep) I kind of made the decision in my mind on Saturday night though, that this is no longer worth it. Sure, I do technically kind of need the money, I have a few bills I’ve really been trying to pay down and without that income, it’s going to be even longer before they are paid off…but seriously, I don’t think it’s worth it anymore. So I guess I just don’t have any fun spending money anymore, I cancel all plans for vacations beyond my already booked one and save my sanity…and of course look for something else full time that pays more or hope and pray something opens up at one of the running stores and I can work there a few hours a month, and/or I find something else in the part-time arena to do.

I’m going to type up my notice and when I’m in tonight, we’ll see how it goes and if I give it or not. Am I brave enough to? I just don’t want to give up weekend time anymore for that place. But then again, if I'm home, I tend to snack, that isn't conducive to my weight loss, and if I'm not working, I don't really have money for going out...wow that's a Catch 22 isn't it, but then hey, I don't have money to have food in the house then either right? It's just so not worth it. I wish I could find a job just making a little bit more than I do right now…there’s still the roommate option too. Although I do so like living by myself so much better. It's a tough decision.