Dealing with Stupidity

This time my own. I ruined what was supposed to be a great week. I was going to be on the beach in Puerto Vallarta...sipping cocktails and Mexican beer, enjoying 80 degree temps, running on the beach, and spending a New Years Eve outside of the country, heck, outside of Minnesota. I was going on my own, but fully expected to get to know people while I was there and have a good time. Mainly it was the beach, the ocean, and sun that I was looking forward to, after what was a rough Christmas...not quite as bad as I expected it to be, but still sad and lonely with that person missing from the table. Unfortunately I was stupid. When I booked the trip, and at other times during the time leading it up to it I thought, hmm....I should double check that lockbox and make sure my passport is where it is supposed to be. I had had it out in August for something (misplaced driver's license) but was sure it had been put away....Last night, 5 pm, I went to get it and stick it with the rest of my stuff...no passport. I ripped apart my room and then the rest of the house and could not find it. Unfortunately doing this at 5 pm on a Saturday when you are flying at 7:30 am on Sunday there is nothing you can do to replace it. My birth certificate was there, but of course that doesn't help anymore going to Mexico. So instead of being on a flight right now, heading to warmth, I'm stuck in MN...had to change the ticket, which was non-refundable so while I'll get some of it back, I won't get all of it. And it was late for cancelling the hotel too, so a charge for that...but none of that is even what matters...I didn't care about that, I care about the fact that I'm an idiot and ruined what was going to be a nice relaxing time. It doesn't surprise me though. Karma can be a bitch and I probably deserve it for things I've done...I wish I was a better person, but I think this proves I'm not. When I booked the trip too, I intentionally booked it for new years because I get tired of always being the one that has to plan and work hard to get people together for it...this year I wasn't going to be here so no worries. Now I most likely will just sit home and be upset with myself for screwing up this trip.

Stolen From a Friend, Who Stole it from a Friend...

I found this to be quite an interesting read...and unfortunately where I got it is a situation that too bad she hadn't seen this sooner...but then again when emotions are involved we don't always get the rational anyway...

When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50 percent,it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr/Ms Right!

If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're getting married,they'll say: "We're in love." I believe this is the #1 mistake people make when they date. Choosing a life partner should never be based on love (alone). Though this may sound not politically correct, there's a profound truth here. Love (alone) is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love will come. Let me say it again: You can't build a lifetime relationship on love alone. You need a lot more.

Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're serious about finding and keeping a life partner.

QUESTION #1: Do we share a common life purpose? Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you're married for 20 or 30 years, that's a long time to live with someone. What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose. Two things can happen in a marriage. You can grow together, or you can grow apart. 50 percent of the people out there are growing apart. To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life - bottom line - and marry someone who wants the same thing.

QUESTION #2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person? This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship. Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of having good communication is trust! i. e. trust that I won't get "punished" or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings. A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.

QUESTION #3: Is he/she a mensch? A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions. i) Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis? ii) Are they serious about improving themselves? A teacher of mine defines a good person as "someone who is always striving to be good and do the right thing". "So, ask about your significant other: What do they do with their time? Is this person materialistic?" Usually, a materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement. There are essentially two types of people in the world: People who are dedicated to personal growth and people who are dedicated to seeking comfort. Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that before walking down the aisle.

QUESTION #4: How does he/she treat other people? The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure. Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self-absorbed? To measure this, think about the following: i) How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys, taxi drivers, etc.? ii) How do they treat parents and siblings? Do they have gratitude and appreciation? Do they show respect? If they don't have gratitude for the people who have given them everything, you cannot expect that they'll have gratitude for you - who can't do nearly as much for them! iii) Do they gossip and speak badly about others? Someone who gossips cannot be someone who loves others. You can be sure that someone who treats others poorly, will eventually treat you poorly as well.

QUESTION #5: Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person after we're married? Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to "improve" them after they're married. As a colleague of mine puts it, "You can probably expect someone to change after marriage ... for the worse!" If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them.

In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and treacherous. The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating, to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues. Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your finger,you don't want to find yourself in trouble because you didn't do your homework.

HOW WILL I KNOW IF I'VE MET THE PERSON I SHOULD MARRY? The choice of a marriage partner should not be based on "I get a warm,wonderful feeling whenever we're together and I want to have that warm wonderful feeling forever, so let's go get married". Feelings, as we have discussed,have no logic on their own. They need to be acknowledged, of course, but they need considerable assistance from your brain. Marriage means choosing the person you will spend the rest of your life with. This, as you may have guessed,is a very long time to spend with one person. This person will live with you,eat meals with you, sleep with you and go on vacation with you. More important yet, this person will share your children. You need to choose wisely. The decision should not be made based on feelings alone. You need to ask yourself some tough questions. The decisions have to be made on solid considerations. Will this person be a good partner? Is she mature enough to put her own selfish desires aside to look out for what is best for the family? Is he prepared to be a good provider? What is his track record? Is he responsible enough to get a good job and keep it? Will this person be a good parent? Can you stand the thought of your children turning out exactly like this person? They will, you know. Children spend a lot of time with their parents and consequently pick up many or most of their parents' character traits. You had better like your spouse's traits a lot because you will be seeing them again in your children. If something were to happen to you, would you completely trust this person alone, with the task of raising and forming your children? This is not a pleasant thought, but it is an important consideration. Not everyone dies at a ripe old age with great grandchildren gathered around the bed. Sometimes a parent dies and leaves young children in the care of the other parent. If you feel that you would need to be around to correct or lessen this person's influence on your children, then you are considering the wrong person. Does this person share your faith in God? God does not give us children so that we can mold them into the coolest, most popular people in school. Our job is to get them to heaven. To do that, we need to raise them believing in God. It is tough to do that if only one parent believes.Saying "This is right and that is wrong, and I want you to ignore Mommy until you are thirty-five" does not work. Small children ask about eight million questions in a single day. The answers to those questions go a long way toward forming the kind of adults they will become. Who will be answering those questions for your children? Does this person you are marrying have sexual self-control? Single people sometimes have this idea that marriage is just some kind of lifelong sex festival and that as long as they have each other, they will never be tempted by other people. Wrong! There are many times in every marriage when one partner or the other is sexually unavailable - illness, the last months of pregnancy, travel. There are also times when spouses, just get on each others' nerves. At times like this, other people can seem very appealing. That can be dangerous, because there are plenty of very attractive people out there who are willing to make themselves available to married men and women. Do you want someone who has never said "no" to sex? If he is not good at saying "no" at eighteen, it won't be different at forty. Do you want to worry about whether or not your spouse is being faithful? These are very important questions, and if you are not comfortable with all of the answers, you should definitely not marry this person. None of this is to say that feelings play no role at all in a marriage decision. You don't have to, "Well, I suppose that you would make a good spouse and parent, so even though I don't particularly like you I guess I'll marry you.' You need to be happy and excited about the prospect of spending your life with someone. Your brain however must acknowledge that this person is a good choice. Don't listen to your heart alone nor your head alone. Wait until your heart and head agree.

Nike

Alright, this was a marathon I had always wanted to do simply because of the Tiffany’s pendant and the firemen in tuxedos (and I had never been to San Francisco and I really wanted an excuse to go)…the rest, well, it’s a mainly women marathon, that in and of itself kind of got to me a bit…but I’ll get to that.

I flew into San Francisco on the 15th, race was the 18th, and flight home on the 19th. Originally was going to visit a friend and then she had her situation change so I was on my own…I had names of people to contact but I kind of was OK with being there on my own. My flight was through Denver and had an hour so I had mimosa, and then a second…then found my flight was delayed so had two more…oops…maybe not a good idea but oh well. A bit buzzed I get to San Fran an hour or so later than originally planned but that was OK. Called my dad, let him know I got there safe, had a little confusing finding the BART but eventually did and was on my way into the city. Got off the train, grabbed a slice of pizza to soak up the mimosas and headed to my hotel. I wasn’t able to check in yet but dropped my bags and got directions to Fisherman’s Wharf…via cable car. That was an adventure. I would NEVER drive in that city!! Got to the wharf though and wandered around, saw seals, Alcatraz, the Golden Gate…eventually got a ride back and then never managed to use the pass I bought again because lines were just too long. On the way back stopped at the expo, what there was of it, I was definitely NOT impressed by it to get my packet and then went to the hotel to finally check in. After changing and resting a bit I decided food was in order, but Obama was in town and a place I had scoped out was not able to get to because streets were blocked off…yeah, that was fun. He was at a hotel directly across from the expo so talk about a major cluster f***!! Anyway, eventually found a bar, ordered a beer and figured out that unlike in MN where most bars also serve food, this was not one…I ended up getting another slice of pizza later, but was interesting because I was talking to two guys there that were originally from MN (learned this because I heard them talking about the Vikings) had fun at this bar when I heard a song I had requested from the band playing too. Eventually headed to another place (after getting my food), this time right near my hotel, where I ended up talking to a guy from Texas and friends he had made earlier in the week (he was there on business). The others left but he and I headed to a karaoke bar I had seen earlier, didn’t sing, but hung out a bit, then went to a dive bar around the corner…eventually called it a night though…next morning was a bit rough, but I did get up to have lunch with the Texas guy before he headed home…Spent most of Friday vegging around the hotel, before eventually going out for food…was going to have a quiet day, hit Ghiradelli, wanted to go to Fisherman’s wharf again, but couldn’t get a cable car and never checked on buses…anyway, did have fun just browsing Union Square…and eventually was out again at a few bars around the area and had a nice evening meeting a few different people. Saturday was a bit rough again because of someone insisting shots should be done…yikes…but I eventually got out and had an excellent meal at a restaurant. No reservation and it was busy for later, but I was allowed in if I could be out by 6, which was easy since it was 5 when I got there. I ended up talking to the two women who were seated right by me and had a very excellent meal…(good enough I had it again the next day after the marathon!!). I was supposed to meet some friends maybe for dinner but just couldn’t get myself out and hadn’t been able to get out and see Kara Goucher talk either, which is a bummer but oh well. I had heard Joan Benoit-Samuelson on Thursday so that was cool.

So Sunday morning, race morning…I was up and out the door around 6:15, I was only 2 blocks from the start, all downhill too…so that was easy enough. Weather was around 50, slightly humid and nice so I was in a skirt and short sleeved shirt with my tube sock sleeves and then stuff for my drop bag. When I got to the race start, I was able to get a hold of Dori and her friends and hung with them till race start. For the first time I carried my phone with me, as well as my camera, which I will never do again…more on that later. Race was a cluster at the start…I couldn’t even get into the corals and I know people out there were not running the 9-9:30 I had been kind of planning to run (that’s till the hills hit!!). I had no idea what I could do but figured 4 hours was maybe right…but seriously, Nike does need to work on getting this start handled better. There is a half and a full and most of the half I swear are up with the full and both are the same course and there are 20,000+ people so really makes for a mess. Luckily streets are wide and easy to get around. You head through the financial district, then past Fisherman’s Wharf and then turn some corners and would see the Golden Gate if it’s not foggy!! Headed then around a place where you could see a huge hill in the distance…not a fun climb!! And it went up and up…eventually there is a decent downhill, and then more ups and downs along the way. Good aid stations, decent crowds, some fun inspirational signs…when you get to mile 10, there is an awesome downhill to the beach and it’s gorgeous views…then you turn and the half breaks off and the full gets to keep going…and out and back and then another section where you are near the half runners again, before heading out along the beach, slightly uphill, but not overly noticeable, till you really climb and look down on Lake Merced, you go down around the lake, listening to a good band, they were playing Crazy by Prince as I ran past and I liked that. Mile 21 on the end of the lake before you start heading back to the ocean is where Ghiradelli is and who really wants chocolate then? I know I didn’t, but took some for later…water was a bit past there (should’ve been closer!!) and back up hill and finally to the band and back up to the top mile 24 and it finally is all downhill to the finish. You really can’t see the finish line till you get around a truck that was probably after mile 26, which I never saw…but when I finally saw the finish line I was never so happy to be done with a race. At one part around the lake I was even thinking I didn’t even care if I finished (and I was doing this for grandma) I just wanted to be done (and there was no good place to quit anyway), I didn’t care about the firemen or the pendant…but well, finally there was the finish line, I crossed, officially it was 4:19:19, saw the cute firemen, in tuxedos, holding silver platters with the Tiffany’s pendants…got my box, then went and got a picture taken with one of them…then off to get my shirt (I do like the shirt, nice bright turquoise color), got a banana and tried some chocolate milk, then wandered my way out, got my bag and headed to the shuttle…the line was so freaking long and the wait was probably 45 minutes to an hour…that I paid $10 to do as well….there were city buses I could’ve been taking had I realized, I mean seriously, if you have to pay to get back, you should not have to wait that long (or for that matter, walk that far)!! Eventually I got back though, showered and went to do something. I was supposed to go watch the Vikings if they were on somewhere, a bartender had promised to put them on, but they were done by then anyway, so I just hung out, had a beer and chatted with a couple of guys there…eventually left and got some food and then back to the hotel to crash. Got up, had breakfast and headed to the airport the next day…only to have flight out delayed because the incoming flight was delayed…and that made me miss my connection and since it was weather (even though weather was not bad and there was no reason they should’ve had to delay and apparently this happens all the time, so if they know that it happens why they don’t arrange things around that I don’t know…anyway, I was on standby for the last connection out of Denver, 10th on standby on a full flight in fact, and no, they wouldn’t pay for my hotel if I had to get one…so then I go to get to the planes and I get pulled out of the baggage line to have my suitcase measured…this is the same suitcase that I’ve owned since 2000/2001…the same suitcase that has traveled with me, oh, on I’d guess at least 20 flights since I bought it, maybe more…the same suitcase that never gets checked anymore since airlines charge now…the same suitcase I flew out with that FIT IN THE DAMN BIN and no, I didn’t need to check it…and of course the measure thing wasn’t quite working because the way the wheels are on the bag it wouldn’t go in fully…I was on the verge of tears and thought I’d end up in jail for talking back to the airport people…I was that mad…anyway, eventually got it proven that my suitcase worked and go through the line…got to Denver, of course missed my connection and had to stay overnight for $70…and up early, exhausted to get to work…and after all that, really decided travel isn’t fun anymore and I just don’t want to do it anymore…if I didn’t have a trip booked already in December, knowing I’d need to get away with as tough as Christmas is going to be…I would not be traveling again I don’t think. It’s just too hard and not fun anymore.

So, that’s the trip…Nike…I wouldn’t do the full again. I’d consider doing the half for the pendant again, but it’s not the most fun race in the world due to the poor organization at the beginning and end….plus it’s such a Team in Training event, that even barring the bad behavior TNT gets a bit known for (ie 4, 5, 10 across the road, walking, lining up at the front to walk etc), there are just so many coaches and such along the road that are all about TNT, they don’t cheer for any of the other runners, and especially when you are there on your own, hearing people yell only for TNT is a bit disheartening…and I’m not even one that does it for that, most times these days I don’t have my name on my shirt (unlike first few) so they can only cheer on bib number or things on my shirt (like Boston when they yelled go Irish for the 100% Irish for a Day shirt I had on), but you do sometimes need that little something to push you forward, and it was definitely lacking.

Still Around...Kind Of...

I meant to get an update on Friday…it would’ve been a month at that point since my last post, but I never quite got it typed up. I’m hanging in…a lot of weird stuff going on. I’ll get a race report typed up about Nike at some point…I might even get a picture posted of the pendant. Had a family weekend for my dad’s 65th birthday. There was good and bad to that. At least dad had his birthday with his family all there and that was what he wanted if he’d been asked. We took him where he’d often thought about going for a weekend and he had his kids all there…so like I said, it was good for him.

Some of the rest of the stuff…well...I don’t know that it is getting any better. In fact I think some might be getting worse. At least on one thing.

San Francisco was a bit of a turning point on my grief over grandma. I still desperately miss her, but I’m not crying everyday like I was, which is a step up I guess. I just wish I could talk to her one more time…the one dream I’ve managed to have with her in it, I was able to see her, but not talk to her and I wish I could just talk to her. But like I said, San Fran was a turning point getting away maybe helped. So maybe a trip coming up shortly might help just a little bit more.

So until I get a chance to update again at least know I’m still out here.

One Last Hurrah

I’m pretty sure I’m retiring after Sunday. Nike is Sunday. I have known about it since March, when I was just trying to get through training to finish Boston and thought I’d retire there…but no, I got in and I wanted to visit my friend, and well, instead of going for my birthday and Bay to Breakers guess it was going to be Nike. Things happen and I wish I had been out of town on my birthday, and then my friend got laid off so she isn’t going to be in San Fran anyway…then other stuff happened…and then grandma died and I really lost my motivation, except to decide to dedicate it to her. Considering grandma always got a nice fireman beef cake calendar for Christmas from one of my aunt’s friends, it’s fitting that her marathon is the one where you get firemen in tuxedos handing out your Tiffany’s pendant. This one is going to be bittersweet because of that. And training again was tough. I didn’t want to, but I survived it, kind of, and I’m looking forward to just being done with it and get to a normal training routine and work on getting myself into the shape I wanted to be in by now, but the summer just found me letting myself get away from what I should be doing, and doing things I should not be doing. Ah well, such is life and I have all the time in the world for things now. No other focus but the gym, work and school. Maybe if I spend more time on all those other things, the things I DON’T want to be thinking about will just go quietly away. One can always hope.

So Thursday I fly…and I’m not even excited even though I’m going to a city I’ve always wanted to go to. I don’t even have plans made for what I might want to see or do. Maybe I’ll just hole up in the hotel till race day and study for my midterm and get reading caught up for my other class…who knows…

A Loss of Love

I guess in my last post I should’ve stated the last question was rhetorical. Well, maybe…I appreciate responses, but saying that what one person is doing to deal with their grief is wrong, is not quite appropriate in the situation. Everyone is different. It’s what makes the world go round. In my normal world, I’m a very social person. I get out, I do things, I see people…but it gets to be a struggle sometimes too because I really need down/alone time too…and I am very independent. I’m not one to ask for help unless I absolutely need it. I still am bothered by the fact that anytime I move, I have to ask people to help me because I just don’t like to put people out. And my grief is something others shouldn’t have to deal with or tolerate. I know I can’t put on a brave face for those that know me best, and it’s why I need to stay away from them as much as possible because the brave face act is just too difficult. So on that note, as everyone deals with grief and recovers from it differently, this is something I have to work out. I lost an aunt and uncle in the last few years, and that was sad, but I wasn’t close to them the way I was with grandma, so the grief wasn’t as overwhelming as this is. The last close person I lost was 20 years ago when my grandfather died. And I still grieve for him, but I had 20 years more of a relationship with grandma. I had grandma in my adulthood, which is absolutely different from losing grandpa when you were still barely out of childhood.

A friend sent me a card expressing her sympathy, and on it she wrote this quote:

“Grandma always made you feel she had been waiting to see just you all day and now the day was complete. ~Marcy DeMaree”

I cried after I read that quote because it absolutely was true. On my run yesterday morning I was thinking about grandma, as I usually do, and I lost it, again, I only hope anyone who saw me thought the wet on my cheeks was from sweat…I don’t like crying in public, unless it’s a sad movie, then it’s acceptable, but other than that, I like to try to keep it private. I’m not one of those women that uses tears to get things. Anyway, as I thought of that quote, and I thought of grandma, and my visits to her, my relationship with her…and the reason I’m not ready to be in a world without her is that I lost that love that I got from her and there is no replacement for that. As much as I loved her, and gave her my love, I know she loved me more, even if she didn’t express it in a traditional sense…When I would show up at her house, particularly if she didn’t know I was in town for the weekend, the surprise and joy on her face. The best present I could give her, was the time I spent with her. Oh, and the one other gift, I made a scrapbook for her the year we all went on a family cruise. She told me even as recently as a few months ago how much she enjoyed looking at the scrapbook and how she had just looked at it again. Just knowing that there was someone, whose day I could make, by just showing up at her house…that was something I absolutely took for granted and should not have, because now it’s gone and what kills me is I’ll never have that love, that total unconditional acceptance, joy and love from someone. Yes, my parents love me, I know that, but it’s still not the same thing. Knowing that I’ll never be able to make someone’s day with my presence again, it hurts more than I could ever have imagined. It’s been a month now, since I lost her, and it’s still as fresh as the moment I answered that phone call from my mom.

Three Things

First running…I got up, got a decent run, if not a great one, this morning. I didn’t know how far I’d go, but ended up doing 9 miles. Again, not a great run, but an OK one. It started decent enough. Oh, and had I eaten more for breakfast, maybe I would’ve run more…Anyway, 5 miles into the run I am about 3 miles from my house, in an area that I know, or thought I knew, fairly well. There is Davanni’s Pizza. There is Blockbuster. Eden Avenue Grill is around the corner. The funeral home where both my aunt and uncle were laid out unfortunately is right there. Starbucks is there as well, but NONE of these places accounted for the delicious scents in the air. I noticed a sign up, that maybe I had just never noticed before, not sure, but it said Patissere Margo…what?? How could I not know of this place? I got home and instantly looked up the place online and the delights I found listed…oh my. I decided I must try it. Thought I’d go for breakfast tomorrow, however they aren’t open tomorrow, so I stopped there on my way to the gym. For today I only bought two regular croissants…I’d have just got one, but felt weird just buying one. So one was with dinner tonight and one is breakfast tomorrow if I get a longer run in. I should’ve gotten the cinnamon one too, but oh well…next time. At the gym I did strength train for 40 minutes, and biked for 30.

Two…rude people…I stopped at the grocery store on the way home to grab a couple of quick things, partly for dinner, some other necessary items. They were doing samples today and one was frozen pizza…sounded yummy. So I went to get a sample, and an employee had stepped up in front of me and was taking up the whole space…the guy doing the samples handed one over to me but I found it very odd. It’s not like this is a crappy grocery store either. It’s one of the upscale ones, in a nice area…ah well. Then I was checking out, self-check out (cause I kind of prefer it) and a woman comes up behind me, setting her stuff down on the very little space next to the self check, invading my space (granted I was done, but my receipt hadn’t printed yet and I was still gathering up my stuff) and thing is, it wasn’t like that was the only one available…there was another one, just a few steps further, on her way out…sigh.

Three…I know everyone means well…but unfortunately the sadness lingers. And you can only lean on friends for so long. Which is why the need to withdraw. If I don’t, they won’t be there later. You can drive people away wallowing and being sad for too long…unfortunately I’ve had to learn about the tolerance level people have too many times in the past and I’ve used up the sympathy on other things. And withdrawing is just the only way I know to deal. It’s starting…tonight in fact, I had the option of a BBQ, normally would’ve been a fun activity, only 2 people I knew would be there, the ones hosting, and it just didn’t seem like something I could handle today. That’s just how it is sometimes. Last night I was at a hockey game…that was enough for the weekend. Next weekend I have to deal with two days of things. And the weekend after three days…ughh…I just want to hole up at home. Is there anything wrong with that?

Messiness in Life

I could write about so much right now…my mind is a mess…my emotions are a mess…physically…I’m a complete and utter disaster, the small highs aren’t enough to make up for the drastic lows. 3 weeks ago my life changed. Really, only 3 weeks ago to go from that post of how I am withdrawing from dating, and moving on with my life from that, having issues in my head about that anyway (still thinking on occasion about the one that kind of inspired that post), to the complete and total devastating loss of my grandmother. I didn’t really write a lot about her until of course my last two posts, but she was so important in my life. All the thoughts I’ve had of moving someplace warm, of getting out of MN and finding a new city, something new and different…well, I couldn’t leave my grandma. Even though I didn’t get down to visit her more than 3 or 4 times a year anymore (I really hate going to my hometown and really mostly did it to see my grandmothers) she was still someone that I had a close bond with. I’d write her letters fairly regularly, had just been realizing I owed her one, which was why I was going to go visit her over Labor Day weekend instead…and instead of going then, I went a weekend earlier and said goodbye to her. I’m dedicating Nike to her, but it’s hard to keep motivated to even run and train for it. I miss her so damn much. 3 weeks, and I still think about her every single day, and all but one of those days shed at least a few tears…and some days have spent crying till there was nothing left to cry out. I still don’t know how to be in this world without her. I was not ready to let her go. I know, we probably never are ready for that, but I really thought I had at least another few years with her. More time to talk to her about my life…maybe a chance to meet someone, someone that would be worthy of meeting grandma. That’s the thing that hurts the most. Even if I didn’t think the possibility of meeting someone was impossible, how could I possibly be with someone. Have someone that close to me, that much a part of my life, that doesn’t know my grandma. I just don’t see it happening (OK, so 11 years and for 6 months of that time, 2 years ago, I had a boyfriend, so not likely that that was even a concern before I decided marriage/relationship wasn’t in the cards either)…it hurts too. Because now of course I really wish there was someone who could hold me and comfort me, and while I would know it’s not going to help, at least there is that little something there. I’ve been in a muddle now…getting angry at people for stupid non-reasons…getting annoyed at people for being around, or not being around, whatever the case might be…not wanting to be around others, but wanting people to drag me out and keep me occupied…and all through this my working out and eating has tanked further and my weight goes up.

I ran a race on Sunday. A 25K. Last year this was a prep race for Twin Cities. I wanted to run it at marathon pace (8 minute miles is what I wanted to run) and start out the first 10 miles at that and then speed up…which I managed to do…7:50 pace for it…it was a good run. This year I knew I wasn’t trained to run that fast. Weather this year was much warmer too. I did it as a 20 mile training run. Ran 4.25 before the race and managed to run .25 over on the race so had 15.75 for the 25K for a total of 20 on Sunday. The race, 8:55 pace…only 1:05 per mile slower than last year. And that was pushing it. I know I haven’t done speedwork…heck, this was my 5^th run of 20 miles or more (3 now for Nike, that’s 2 more than I did for Boston and I still have one more planned)…I wish I could at least get my love/desire for running back at least. It helped me through a rough patch before, but this time, this rough patch, it's just not there to help me.

With my up and down tendencies right now, I have made a decision that I should stay away from others. It’s better that way…so not making anymore plans to go out and do anything (with the exception of going to the Wild pre-season game on Friday, but that won’t be a big deal, I got free tickets, as I’m going with a friend who is pregnant…so not like it will be a late or wild and crazy night, and I owe her…we’ve been there for each other through a lot of things). I have work and I have school. Heck, if I can keep that mentality, maybe I can take 3 classes in the spring, 2 next summer and 3 in the fall and really push up my graduation and/or guarantee a graduation time of 2011 like I’m hoping…I can run when I find time around that. It will sure save me a lot of money too. Not like I have much of a life anyway. Friends are married or practically married and don’t want to go out anymore…and what do I gain when I go out? Nothing except sometimes a hangover, and then being down because I see all the happy couples around me and know that’s not nor will it ever be me…sigh…OK, enough. I’ll honor my commitments that are stuck and skip out on anything new…sounds like a plan.

Thanks Everyone

I appreciate all the condolence wishes. The funeral was really difficult but there was some bonding time amongst the family. We even had a nice family picture taken. First time we've all been together since 2000. My grandma's immediate family that is. I also had my best friend surprise me and show up at the funeral. She had been up and dropped her husband off at the airport to go see his grandfather who was sick, drive down to her parents and drop her dog for them to watch and then head the rest of the way to my home town (3 hours drive from where she lives with the detours that are in place now). She was there for the funeral and had a drink with us at the home town bar before she had to head back and pick her husband up. Of course it made me cry more seeing her there, but friendship is a powerful thing. She knew how much grandma meant to me.

Haven't had a day yet that I haven't cried...

In Memory Of...

Marilyn Winifred Diemer
May 19, 1920 – August 25, 2009

Beloved grandmother, sister, mother and friend…you will be deeply missed.

You know when the phone rings at 10:55 on a Tuesday night it’s not going to be good news (unless you have a friend that is pregnant and due around that time). I have a new cell and wasn’t able to hear it ring, but I heard my mom’s voice begging me to pick up from my answering machine…I get the phone and she’s sobbing, voice cracking and telling me something…I heard hospital, ambulance, something about heart…but I didn’t catch the first part. She’s saying my name and asking me if I heard her and I said yes, but missed the first part and could she repeat it…she tells me “grandma Diemer passed away”…and while I already felt that was what she was going to tell me, it wasn’t till then that I lost it. Amazing how you can deny everything until you actually hear the words. My dad then came on the line, and by now I’m sobbing and he can’t understand me. He tells me something about someone saying grandma had said she was tired…and that was about the time she left us. The didn’t know if maybe it was a heart attack, all I recall saying was “I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye.” Dad had to go, mom had begged me to call my sister who was already informed and go over there, that I shouldn’t be alone…but I wanted to be alone. I spent some time crying and did finally sleep. Where I dreamt what I had been told was wrong, that grandma wasn’t gone…wasn’t helpful. I got up and got ready for work, started throwing things in a bag thinking I should head to my parents after work, but not knowing what was going on, I stopped and instead just tried to focus on the day. The funeral is set for Saturday, my brother, sister and I are driving down in a little while. Instead of helping a friend celebrate her birthday this weekend, I’m going to be burying my grandmother.

I’m not ready to be in a world without her in it. I mainly went to visit my parents to see her. Mom and dad are here enough that I see them regularly. My other grandma, well, I love her and feel guilty that I’m not as close to her, but it’s reality, I’m simply not as close to her as I am, was, my other grandmother…It probably comes from the fact that I was 5th in line of 15 grandkids on that side and there are only 6 on the other side, and I was first, and was the only one for 5 ½ years. I was very close to grandpa, who died just before I turned 15, and then that carried over to grandma more so then as I got older. My mom used to drag me out to see great grandma and visit with her most Sunday’s when I was younger, that was her mom’s mom, so it carried tradition too cause when I was home I was out visiting grandma. She was the one I went to when I needed to borrow some money for college, I regularly wrote her letters (OK, I was making loan payments too but even after I was writing to her) and grandma was just the one I loved going to see because I knew she was always very happy to see me. We’d most times come up with some lunch combination when there, and I cooked and fed her some of my creations that she would get excited about. I’d share all the mundane things in my life with her, and sometimes she’d hear it before mom and dad even. She was so much more than just a grandma and I'm going to miss her very much. I know she was feeling down, and was probably ready. She spent almost 50 years with my grandpa before he died of a massive heart attack, she's lost a lot of friends recently...but I still thought I had time. There are things even now that I wish I had asked her, and that I won't ever have the answers to now. I won't ever get to hug her again. And I never quite remembered to show her my Boston medal, as I had forgotten to bring it home, then forgotten to show it. There just never is enough time for those that have that special place in our hearts. Christmas is going to be so difficult this year.

I love you grandma. And wherever you are, I hope you are happy and with the loved ones you lost.

Ragnar Relay

So after my experience last year (put in link) of running the NW Passage Ragnar Series relay, I thought it’d be a good time running the one near home. Over the past year I’ve been talking to people, mentioning it and trying to get a team together. I know enough people now that it wasn’t as unfeasible to round them up as I might have otherwise thought. I had a few people from the Runner’s World Forums join up, a friend from college at the U of MN, a friend from college at Mankato and then each of them had friends and rounded it out with a friend that I met at a race and is part of yet another running club…so 12 of us officially registered and waivers signed by mid-July and while there were a few injury scares, everyone came to the start line pretty much injury free. Aches and pains along the way, but things were good for the most part. We even had an extra volunteer after having trouble lining people up!! As we punched in times for people, we realized we had a strong chance at being a contender for placing too…who knew? Our start time was set for 3 pm, the later you start the faster you are, and Van 1, consisting of me and 5 guys (yes, it was a weird set up with that, but that happens to be how it played out with the way the legs were laid out and keeping people together that kind of knew each other and having stronger runners on harder legs etc). We met up at the guys house who had the van and drove down to the start in Winona. We headed out on time and stopped for lunch at Subway on the way down. Got to the start plenty early, got our shirts, were checked in and killed time before the start. Watching the start was fun, I hadn’t done that last time, and then we were off to cheer and catch and swap runners. For those unfamiliar with the relay concept, this is a 194.4 mile race. You have 12 runners (or the ultras will have 6) and 2 vans. The first 6 run the first 6 legs, then you swap vans and eat or sleep in the ‘down time’ while the other van runs. This happens 3 times for a total of 36 legs and each runner doing 3. I was runner 4 and my leg was a harder one since it was almost 8 miles, it was during the day and had a pretty long climb up part of it, thankfully it wasn’t steep. I went out expecting to hopefully run around an 8:30 pace, that’s what I projected for myself and managed to run a 7:45…with others all running hard by the time we met Van 2 at the exchange 6 area we were about 17 minutes ahead of our projected time. My parents had come to see me at my first exchange and cheered me at a couple of spots along the way, which was fun…the dogs were there barking for me too. They were at the finish as well. Funny thing is mom had said I should run it in an hour, I came in just over a minute over that hour so guess she was predicting right. After we passed off to Van 2, we drove to an area to get a bite and watch some of the Vikings game, then headed on to exchange 12 so we could take a little nap before. We had Van 2 call us to let us know when they were getting close and being a little off we were not able to get much of a nap (except one of the guys, he was sawing logs pretty quickly and loudly, and we were outside!!). It was nice weather though, cool, but not so bad we were freezing and it was a very clear night, lots of stars.

Well, I was off on when Van 2 should find us, so we were up sooner than we planned and are now 30 minutes ahead of schedule. They come in, and we get back to work doing our runs, passing off our runners. This leg was my night run. I hadn’t worn a headlamp before, but definitely preferred it for the 6 miles I was running vs carrying a flashlight. It being dark I could only really see Garmin during the splits it fed back to me…and I was off a mile…it was sad when I saw mile 4 come up when I thought I was at mile 5. This also had us off on a side road for about 3 miles, so not on the highway, but it was darker, no shoulder and kind of freaky…I had to remind myself that Michael Meyers and Jason were not real and pray that some freak wasn’t out there watching for lone girls running in the dark…I was doing a pretty good clip here. I had myself down to run a 7:38 pace, and finished the 6 miles Garmin told me I ran (5.9 according to Ragnar) in about 46 minutes…so a 7:41 which was just over my goal. I was tired but happy at the end and winded enough to not quite figure out where Don, who I was passing off to, was standing. Our next two runners finished and we passed off to the other van and headed to Stillwater which was our next big exchange and were we hoped to see our 2 volunteers and take a nap. We did get there in time to see the volunteers and laid down by the river and slept as the sun came up. I was out for an hour, had a false alarm that Van 2 might be close but then slept another 45 minutes and came out feeling refreshed enough to be ready to run again. Our van came in, runner came in and we were off again. Our first runner had a short leg, only 3.1 miles and he had a new PR for that distance on his leg. Our second runner had a decent one and number 3 also kicked out much faster than anticipated and it was my turn again. This time for 4.3 miles. It was on a trail, mostly flat, with a climb at the end. I didn’t really fully realize the climb till I got to it. Oh my God I was ready to cry as it kept going and going and going…over a half mile and a climb of about 300 feet which just for translation ideas I think that’s about a 6 on the treadmill slope…I thought I was going to throw up at one point (this was after really wanting to make my projected 7:30, what I was thinking when I set that one I don’t know) after doing a 7:17 on the first mile…I got to the top, had a slight downhill and then more uphill to pass off my final time. Gatorade was brought to me…and then a nice cold beer…so what if it was only 9:30…anyway, Don’s leg was tough, Tom’s last leg, our fastest runner, was somewhat short so he kicked it out fast and we left Van 2 to finish it up while we had a few beers hanging out at the exchange. Headed to the finish finally, had a bit and bought some beer along the way and then hung out till our van got there and we headed to the finish to cross as a team. Team picture, waited around to find out results and unfortunately we were pushed down and finished 5th in our division. It was too bad as we thought we might place, as of the last I knew we were also 16th overall, which isn’t bad considering they had 233 teams registered. Our final time, again not official, was 24:03 or something like that…not bad being able to run 194.4 miles in just over 24 hours…there is talk of an ultra team next year…and we might try to get a competitive girls team if the guys do that…we’ll see. It was definitely another fun time though and anyone that hasn’t done a relay, I highly recommend it.

Lack of Control

Another bit of time passes…maybe someday I’ll catch up! Anyway, been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting and keeping quite busy, which has kept me from blogging much. Might be coming into the new age again though and getting a data phone so I can actually get online from places other than home. Would never do big posts that way but we’ll see.

Anyway, I’m tired of the lack of control to things in my life. I know, I know, life is about things being out of your control, to some degree at least, but there are some things I’m struggling with. I’ve always been strong about some things, weak on others, and I’ve grown in some areas, become stronger. Namely that comes in the dating arena. With my track record, and yeah, maybe my calling it on being single has jinxed some things, and there are lots of times I’ve been perfectly happy, even better off feeling, being single, than I am if I were with someone, but a lot of things have all come together over the past few months and the pendulum has swung again the direction of feeling a little lonely. I’m not sure what triggered it, yes seeing the ex, but there have been other things. Maybe it was being out a few times with someone and actually having a few snuggle times recently…I didn’t used to be a snuggly person, but sometimes lately I’ve been craving it. Maybe it’s having some friends from South America and Latin America, the openness and hugginess that comes from being around them, makes me want to hug friends of mine that are as standoffish about all that as I used to be. Regardless of what the cause, it’s something kind of beyond me too…I have to admit it, once and for all, no matter how strong I feel, and what I say about it all, there is a little part of me, deep down, that really wishes I could find someone to love and love me…to be with, to even walk down the aisle with. There. I said it. Yes, I’d like to be married…I’m at an age where I thought I’d be celebrating heck, 5, 10 years by now…and no, all I have to show for the last 10 is a showing of a few dates here and there, mostly not, and a 6 month failed relationship…I need to face facts and since I can’t actually say, I want to get married and have it happen, the part I have the control over is saying I’m never going to marry, and accept that. Along with the dating thing…I’m tired of dating, tired of the disappointment that comes with liking a guy and realizing that he’s not quite right, or having him realize you aren’t quite right…it’s disheartening so many times over. I saw the life that maybe could’ve been mine…and I’ve had something recently…well, basically figured out that the guy I want to be with, the guy that I’ve really thought didn’t exist, in fact does exist…no, not my perfect by any means guy, there are some things that don’t factor in if I was creating him from scratch, but he’s real, and the imperfections are acceptable…in general he would be what I’d want. Problem is, I met him about 6 or 7 years too late…see, he’s with someone else. Not just dating. No, they had the ceremony and are bound together. It makes me sad. Particularly since some things have indicated to me that he might, were he free, be interested too. So, that all said…the fact that it’s been flung into my face in that way, I take as a sign from above that I should stop being out there, stop considering it all, stop thinking about the idea of being with someone…because the indication to me in this one is that someone is saying “hey, you are right in what you are thinking…all the good ones ARE taken, so give it up.” And with that said…I close the door on it and am done. Dating sucks and the pool is dry. I’ve always believed there isn’t someone for everyone, I never thought I was one of those.

Now this post might sound depressing…yes, I’m a bit saddened by it, and this little part of me wants to wish for a divorce (it’s not out of the question as she said things to me long ago that indicated it might be going that way, and this was before I even really knew much about him and found that he could be someone I’d like to be with, some things he has said, although he loves her still and isn’t moving to leave, and something an outside source said to me about it not lasting…none of them having any idea of how I felt on any side of it) but I know I can’t. I want him to be happy and he loves her, so I really hope for his sake that the things not working will fix themselves and he can be happy…and I really do honestly mean that. It’d be too complicated even if he were single anyway…so hopefully the things they had agreed to, and she promised and has changed, she’ll realize and work harder to be back to what had been a happy time for both of them and not something making them both miserable. Anyway, while I’m sad, it also hopefully will eventually free me from some of the misery that comes in dating. There are things I will miss…the idea of never kissing someone again makes me sad, as that’s something I really like…always have…that feeling that happens when it’s someone you really connect with…and then of course there are other nice things too…but honestly I’m probably too difficult and set in my ways anyway…and I can tell you with this guy, he’d definitely lose interest quickly because I’m just kind of a boring person. I’ve done a lot of the things I wanted to do, even without the cheerleader I’d have loved having alongside me on my way to Boston…my parents are there no matter what. So with that, I say goodbye to the dating world…hopefully I can still find some friends to hang out with once in a while…maybe it’s time to start my cat collection…

And please, no responses back about "you'll find him now when you're not looking" etc...I'm really serious when I say I'm done, I'm not looking for pep talks about it. I'm just trying to take back the control that I don't have and remind myself of things. I have my health, I have good friends and family that support me, I have a job that is decent and I'm learning on and is paying for my education that I've wanted, I ran Boston, I have the ability to travel...I've got a lot going on, it almost seems selfish to worry about the lack of a guy and/or love or whatever anyway.

Reminder to Self

What I Deserve…

• A guy that will put me first
• A guy that is NOT attached to someone else
• A guy who is not just looking for a fling
• A guy who will treat me as good as I would treat him
• A guy who is fit
  
• A guy I find attractive
• A guy who is intelligent
• A guy that will make me smile more than he makes me cry

Why I Deserve this…

• I am intelligent
• I am a good person
• I am financially stable
• I am emotionally stable
• I am attractive
• I am fit
• I have a career
  
• I am told I'm attractive
  

OK…yes, this is something I have to post. I have to see it written as a reminder. It’s also posted on my mirror…and yes, there is reason for it.

Third 20

OK, is it bad that I've done one marathon already this year and only just did my 3rd 20+ run of the year? Yesterday met some friends and did 2 loops of the lakes for right at 20. We were all dying at the hill at mile 18.5 so walked it, and thought about run walking the rest of the way, but I think we all wanted to be done. It was tough and tiring...didn't drink enough water and probably didn't eat enough sharkies/shot blocks or anything I had brought along, but oh well. Survived it. A bit dehydrated though as I went to a party and had a headache that I attributed to dehydration, and being tired...My friend told me I'm never allowed to do 20 miles before one of his parties again. OK...guess that's fair! It was fun though, even though I was exhausted. On the agenda today. Need to run, but probably not till later. Going to get another hour or so of studying then get some lunch and maybe go picnic at the lake with it. Panera is on the way...need to run a few errands too. Maybe I should go look at replacement flooring...need to do that. I have the insurance money for mine that got ruined, now I need to make the arrangements to get it replaced...

Rules and Laws

OK, there are some dumb ones out there, we all know that. There are even some dumb new ones and I swear they are dumbing down American more and more with some of them…but some of them are there for a reason and a problem with kids today, parents aren’t teaching them the rules and laws and that they need to follow them!! This hit me today when I ran into a situation of this exact problem. I was driving to the gym at lunch…I drive on some really busy roads. There is one spot that has another major road (both have bike paths on them) so there is a stoplight. There were some adults with a group of kids, probably ages 5-12, all on bikes…was guessing a daycare out on an outing…there were probably 30 or so kids…(and only two adults which I believe should not have been happening!!) The light had been green for them, and they started across the road. One adult at the front, one at the back, and they had the kids walking their bike across, which is good to teach. The problem…the light changed to green for the cars going the other direction BEFORE the kids were all across. So for another 2-3 minutes, when the lights were green, the cars on both sides remained stopped as the kids crossed, but what if someone had been in a hurry, was watching the lights and just gunned it? The person at the back should’ve come up and stopped the half of the group that wasn’t going to make it across (the lights give plenty of warning with the walk sign flashing to let you know it’s no longer safe to walk) and waited with them, sending the rest over when the light changed. What are these kids going to think if they are at a light on their own sometime?? Why should they think they have to stop, cars will wait for them even if they are crossing illegally right? And only having two adults with that many kids on bikes, when the ages were that variant, was probably not a good idea either…but I’m sorry, I’m a big one on teaching kids properly…when they are young is when they are impressionable! And this is a LAW, not like it’s just an etiquette rule or something.

And more time has passed….

Last week I ran a 5K. It was a busy race here, more of a “fun run” than anything but last minute a friend wanted to do it so I said yes. Once we were there I could feel I had something in me and was ready to do a hard run, but unfortunately this one of “those” races…you know, where the walkers feel they need to be in front. Anyway, first mile, due to dodging and trying to get running room was only 9 minutes…second and third managed to do a bit better and finished overall in 25:03 for a 3.25 5K according to Garmin (and yes, the dodging I’m sure added that distance!). After we chilled, had a beer and that was about it. I had a good week and managed to finish with 40 miles total, and a very decent 7 miler the night before and now knowing that I have better runs in me for 5K…

Last night I ran with friends and we did some pick ups and last one (all half milers) I hit in about 3:23 so that was pretty nice too. I think I’m deciding to really make a goal of hitting a hard run at Nike (provided I can get ahead of all the slower runners!). Had a slight change to my Nike plans happen though. My friend that I was going to stay with, and hang with, lost her job and is now in the process of moving cross country back to DC where she was before her move…sigh…I do have a friend that lives in LA that might be up for coming up and hanging out, and I have a few other people that I know are going to be out there for the race, so I have options of people to hang with, but on the other hand I’m not overly worried about it as I’m only there about 4 days anyway, I just have to find a hotel and get it booked…not wanting to spend a ton, but wanting something decent and in a good area, close to the start! I’ve done other trips solo that ended up great, I usually don’t have a problem managing to find people to talk with …and the touring and such I can do on my own…it’s kind of a prep run for myself too cause in December I think I’m going to take a trip someplace warm for 4-5 days on my own. I just have to decide where…so really people, provided I can find a trip for the $1000-1200 I’m willing to pay for the warmth for that time frame…any suggestions on where I can go and how I can do it for that or less? I’d love to see Grand Cayman, but not sure I can do it for that price. Aruba I hear is nice. Jamaica maybe. Thought about St Lucia or the Bahamas…my biggest thing though is I’d like adults only. I don’t want to go someplace to relax and have a bunch of kids running around…thoughts and suggestions would be awesome!

Ragnar now in 3 weeks…class finishes on Monday for a month…summer is finally going to start for me, just before it ends! Maybe one of these days I can catch up. Was talking with some people last night too…I might be doing the Berlin marathon next year!

Is Summer Back?

OK, I've been MIA for a bit. And now I've kind of lost the ambition, after reading and catching up on blogs, to actually write something. Let's see. I managed 50 miles this week. Strength trained for 30 minutes 3 days, did a day or two of cycling in there. Three of my runs were with others. One on Tuesday turned into 10 miles over the 8 I figured I'd do simply because I ran some miles and then some more with friends. Wednesday was an interesting trail run and then on Saturday a run around the lakes with friends.

After a couple of cold days, we seem to have found summer again. I hope it stays. I spent today working for a bit on my paper, the standard Sunday call to mom and dad (dutiful daughter that I am), some cleaning, a run, showered and then headed to Lake Calhoun. On the way I stopped and bought a few flowers to replace some that I had managed to let die by not watering them (not used to having to water so often as normally we get some rain!). I spent a little time lounging at the lake and then went and rented a kayak, something I have been talking about doing forever, every year I say I'm going to do and it don't manage it, but today I did...and did it for an hour. On the way home I stopped at Slumberland and bought a dining room set...I've been looking for something forever and finally found something I like. Hopefully it works nice in my space. Then just for good measure I stopped at the gym and did 30 minutes of strength (oh yeah, had some yoga in the mix this morning) and then got home and had a good dinner of chicken breast and salad...it was yummy...and a productive day I think.

Blast from the Past

Kind of weird sometimes, how life can be. Particularly with the reflections in my last post. I went to watch fireworks tonight with a friend. We chose the display where a friend and her husband were working. He has a corn roasting business and the place they were at, was one of the options I had mentioned to go see. So around 8:30 we got down there and wandered a bit, had some snacks and my friend had gone over to do something and I was standing near the corn stand and I hear my named called, turn my head to look and my long ago ex was there. It was the oddest thing. I haven't seen him since 2000, at a friends wedding. We broke up in 1998. I’ve had brief updates about him from mutual friends over the years and found him on Linkedin and emailed him just out of curiosity but it was just so weird seeing him. He had his youngest with him, and I believe his daughter was there briefly as we were saying goodbye. Basically I saw what could have been my life. I said as much to the friend that I was with after we left too. See, this was the guy that I dated at the time that I really thought I would get married. We had been together 2 1/2 years. I was 24, everyone we knew was getting married...it seemed like what we should be doing, but instead we broke up. I was devastated when it happened as I had finally had all my walls broken down, and was finally in a place where I wanted to be with someone. It had taken a long time because I had always been very independent and being able to be with someone, fully be with them, it took a lot from me. When we broke up, it definitely took me a long time to get back to being happy alone and being comfortable being alone. Since the time we broke up I've really only been in one relationship, and that only lasted 6 months (and that was 2 years ago). I did get closure from it eventually though, and I think the changes I took from that relationship are actually definitely for the better for me. He was really a great guy, and I wish it had been right, but it was one of those things that in reflection I know it would never worked because we were just not quite right for each other. I guess it was one of those instances of the people that come into your life for their specific purposes and that’s that. I’m definitely not sad or upset that I am not with him. I wish him the best and he seems happy and I'm happy for him in that. It is interesting though, to see what could’ve been your life had things been different. I still don’t feel that I want kids, seeing him with his, it’s definitely good that he is with who he was…Although I had always known he would make a great father and if we had been together probably would’ve had one or two with him…but that was a different me and would’ve been a different life. And I’m happy with where I am. Had I been with him, who knows if I would’ve become a marathon runner and run Boston and I’d definitely never give up that experience. I have to say though, probably part of my problem in dating these days is that he set such high standards in me for what I want to date…it was almost all there, in him…

What's Wrong with Me?

OK, I’m seriously messed up and I can’t figure out what is wrong with me. I did my work out today. 7 miles of speedwork. I haven’t done speedwork in a really long time. 6 x 800 with 400 recovery. Mile and a half warm up and mile cool down. It felt good. For the most part. 3:47 for the first one, my plan had been 3:45 but the next 5 were 3:35, 3:31, 3:28, 3:31, 3:33 or something to the affect.

Afterward…I stretched. I was feeling good and am glad I got out when I did because the track got busier after. However, I LOVE that I was there at first where I was because I saw a guy doing speedwork and he was running inner lane like we normally would. And I saw him going slow in the inner lane…but once I joined him, he moved to outer lanes (the same way I did) when it came to doing the slow laps and inner lane, for speed, the way it should be. I LOVE when people know the track etiquette!

But also I am feeling so messed up. I finished the workout and instead of feeling that elation of being done and knowing it was a good workout…I suddenly wanted to cry. At the end of my run, while I was walking and cooling down, I started thinking about families, and kids and I wonder at the fact that I’m broken. I feel bad for my parents. 3 kids, 1 over 30, 1 almost 30 and one getting close to 27 and no grandkids. Mom has had her kicks of wanting to have a grandbaby, but says she’s over it…I feel for dad too and this part of me wonders what is it that is wrong with me that I don’t want kids. I'm supposed to want them right? I mean in a way it’s probably good because I’d really be depressed right now since I don’t have access to the stuff that helps make that baby…OK, I have access to it, just not full time regular access that I’d need if I was going to create that baby (no, I really would NOT want to be a single parent!). I can’t even get myself into the mindset of wanting to be attached. I freak out about anything that might lead to something…OK, not really, the most recent guy I was out with that could’ve gone somewhere but I freaked a bit. But then again, it was in part that it wasn’t right with that one. As it hasn’t been with a lot of them…I had this idea to start putting it out there, and seriously being interested in meeting people, but not sure how much of that I’m really trying. Damned if I do and damned if I don’t? But back to the kid thing...I feel bad for mom and dad and their lack of grandkids. And you know, I'd be really upset if my little sister does give them a first grandchild, since that should be my thing...how messed up is that when I don't even want them?

An Interesting Concept

I get why people become vegetarian on some levels. I mean I can understand people doing it for political reasons, and I can honestly respect that, as long as they don’t push their beliefs on me because growing up in southern MN I grew up on meat, and while I eat much less now than I used to, I still like my burgers, steaks, chops and many other parts of a pig, cow or chicken that can be grilled up and taste yummy! Also, I’m a fussy eater and if it wasn’t for meat, I’d really be in trouble when it comes to getting enough protein as I would not eat tofu, I only like some beans, soy burgers, while I’ll admit I tried a Boca burger once and wasn’t horrified at the taste, it wasn’t bad and I could almost eat a whole one I think, but it’s still not beef…which I really do want once in a while.

Anyway, this weekend I was in Chicago visiting friends, one of whom is vegetarian, and I knew when she went vegetarian she mentioned it in weight loss…which I didn’t really fully understand because meat can be incorporated into a weight loss diet easy enough…but in discussions over the weekend I did discover something I wasn’t aware of. Namely the fact that meat can cause issues for some people. Now I know some people have dairy issues, and there are other foods some people can’t eat. I have a fairly hearty stomach though (except for onions in certain form, usually on pizza and in the form of onion rings and fresh ground pepper) and can handle most things, although maybe my fussy palate makes it so that I don’t eat things that would cause issues (makes me think of the movie Along Came Polly where they eat Indian or some type of food that Ben Stiller’s character has issues with…I’m sure that would be me, sorry if that’s TMI!!). Anyway, I have a friend that eats steak before marathons. Now I don’t do that, but I do usually have pasta with meat sauce. And I have had times when I’ve eaten a burger the night before a long run…or a chicken breast with my pasta…and never have had any issues. But the friends I was visiting, one who went vegetarian because of her problems with meat, and the other who usually doesn’t eat meat the night before big runs because he has issues with it too. I mean I guess I have heard that some people do have issues with meat and digesting it, it is something that some people just can’t handle…or maybe something in their body changes over time and it’s less able? I guess I’m glad that I’m OK and able to eat meat and still do well on long runs! Heck, reminds me that I had chicken parmesan the night before Boston and while 4:14 is far from my best, I definitely could’ve done better even on the lack of training I did had I not been dinking around…so guess for me it works. I do occasionally have my no meat days, today is one of them as I had eggs for breakfast, peanut butter sandwich for lunch and most likely a veggie pizza for dinner before class. So yeah, meat isn’t a thing I HAVE to have everyday, but it’s not something I think hurts my performance either. Considering I had the 3:30 nailed had the weather been more ideal at Twin Cities…I don’t think cutting out meat would make me any faster considering I’m almost at my potential (I really do think I have a 3:25 in me but not much faster than that).

I did find it interesting and enlightening to a degree though, hearing how some people don’t digest it well and it affects them in ways that are less than ideal for running. You read so many things that deny we are meant to eat meat and then the counter of that…as long as you can get a healthy diet, for those that choose to be vegetarian I say more power to them and if it does help you feel better in exercising that’s awesome too. I just know that my fussiness wouldn’t allow me to do it healthfully…I also do think my body informs me when I need something more. I really don’t eat a lot of red meat, but there are times that it just really is something I need/want…and I figure that just means my iron levels are down!

A Fitness Challenge

So, yesterday I was emailing with a friend and after running her first marathon last weekend she decided she needs to get in shape and really focus cause she wants to kick it down on her next one (she got caught in the heat of Grandma's last weekend and didn't quite meet her guilt) and wants to get more fit before then. I really want to get fit for running and a few other reasons of which I might or might not share at some point...Anyway she tells me yesterday that "today is go day" and I said you know, I am focused and need to do something too. So I suggest how about we both set some goals and do a challenge of sorts...we are running the Ragnar Relay in August...so that set a good deadline for start of goals anyway. So yesterday we set 6 goals each, and they have money penalties to them...at Ragnar we each hand over an envelope to the other for anything we miss! I figured posting here might keep me even better so here are my goals:

1) No eating after 8 pm with the exception of Monday night since I have class, and allowed one other for special circumstances - If I cheat, it's $1 per time
2) Work out at least 6 days a week, and a workout consists of at least 30 minutes, also need to have 2 strength sessions in there - If I miss, again it's $1 per time
3) Yoga workouts, 20 minutes twice a week, or 1 class a week - If I miss, $1 per time
4) Calorie limits, 2200 or less on days I work out, 1800 or less on days I don't, with the exception of days of heavy workouts - Over and it's $1
5) Weigh in each week, even if overall I meet my weight goal - If I go over in a week $1
6) Weight goal, 128 pounds by Ragnar - Over that and I owe $5

My goal NOT to owe anything!

So today I weighed in, after a sweaty run in a heat index around 100...hill workout. I went up and over and back up and down, 4 times...about .5 mile up on one side, a bit steeper and shorter on the other. I did a total of 7 miles. I also got a yoga session in.

Then I got up this morning and ran 4 miles in some humidity...and did a strength session for 35 minutes (this was my second of the week too with one more planned strength on Friday before my trip to Chicago). Went to work, and then after work, I ran 6 miles from the gym and managed 45 minutes on the bike...that equals out to about 2 1/2 hours of workouts today.

Some People Just Can't Help Being A**holes...

Well, no, I shouldn't say that, because it is something you CAN control. You just stay out of the world and lock yourself away so those of us enjoying a nice day can enjoy it! This morning I was up and out fairly early for a run since it's going to be a hot (and humid) one today. I was out on a path near my house...easy 5 mile loop (that was slow and crappy unfortunately), down the road along the sidewalk to the park that has a walking path around it...was on the walking path, and as is my habit, I was running on the left side of the path. I mean you are supposed to be on the left on roads, so I just kind of stay that way on pedestrian paths too. Not like it matters cause people are all over the place and right down the middle on them. Thankfully this is a pretty quiet path so not a lot of people out...I had to move once or twice, a few others moved...but there was one guy that he was on the far right edge for him, which was far left for him...I would've stepped off the path, but he finally moved and stopped, turned to me and said "aren't you on the wrong side of the road"...umm...well, technically no, first, ped paths don't seem to have a "right of way" side to them, BUT if we were on the road, I was on the right side of it running on the left, into traffic right? Anyway, just annoyed me...I dislike people like that. I'm sorry, I'm out to enjoy the day, I don't need your crap...the bath is wide enough for 3-4 across the path and it was just him and me at that point...was it hard to move a couple steps over? (granted I could've moved around him too, but I partly run the left side too cause it's a circle and outer gets me more distance anyway). Ah well. It's a nice day. I'm meeting a friend to golf in a little while and then we are going to a music thing that I won tickets to. And it's going to be a nice day. Better get the sunscreen out!

Hello Kitty Guilt?

Hmm…I’m trying to decide if I should feel guilty…there might be a 50 something guy walking around with this on his, bicep, butt cheek, something, after this weekend…and I’m partly responsible...

Oops…see, my boss told me this little town near where his lake cabin is has a bar where this weekend every year Brother Bear, and Sister Bear…tattoo artists, stop in and bring their ink and needles and tat up people while they are at the bar. And apparently as Brother and Sister Bear proceed through the night, drinking along with the clientele at the bar, they get more and more creative with the tattoos…My boss has a couple of buddies coming with him to the cabin this weekend and he and one of the guys decided the other guy should get something tattooed onto him…my boss asked me for suggestions. I sent him the above, he sent it to the other guy and the other guy thought it was great…my boss’ wife is ready to throw 20 bucks in toward it…after mentioning the victim’s, I mean guy getting tattooed, wife would never let him go out with my boss and the other guy again. I originally suggested Funshine Bear…so should I feel guilty? Yes, have I mentioned that I have a great boss? In all honesty I don’t think my boss would really go through with having this guy get a tattoo like that, and not in that situation, but you never know…

And wow, it’s getting so sporadic when I’m posting these days. And I’m getting even less reading done…but it’s been hectic. I have class every Monday night, after a day of work, from 5:30-9:45…OK, so we got done at 9:15 two of the nights so far which is nice, and third night was an exam so got done a bit earlier too (she lectured first). But it makes for a long night. Last week on Tuesday…hmm…I might have been home, but now can’t recall. Wednesday I went to see Bob Schneider, good band if you haven’t seen them and get a chance (out of Austin, TX). Thursday I was exhausted from the show on Wednesday and whatever I can’t remember doing on Tuesday. Friday was out with a friend to see a movie, we had drinks first and then after, movie sucked (Drag me to Hell, I had heard it was actually scary, so was not!) and Saturday I met up with and ran with a friend and then chilled for a while before getting my sister and her boyfriend from the airport and then dinner with mom and dad. Sunday I had to spend studying for my test that was not as good of studying as I had hoped. This week Tuesday I worked out with my trainer and then ran some errands, last night I met up with friends after a rough day and had a cocktail and dinner…tonight is dinner with a friend that I haven’t seen in probably 5 years? Wow. Has it been that long? Then it’s the weekend and I still haven’t gotten much done classwise…sigh…

Training…not going well. I need to buckle down on that. I haven’t really thrown much of any speed work in. I did do a tempo run at the gym last week and managed 6 miles at 8:20 pace, 4 of the miles tempo were supposed to be at 8 minute pace, trying to work that down then as time goes on, but only one made it at 7:58, the others were 8:09, 8:04 and I can’t recall the first but think it was maybe 8:15…so a lot of work to do if I’m going to PR at the half…particularly PR by about 4 minutes.

A Quick Update

Wow, time is really passing and no new update. Nothing really to report but since I have a few minutes right now, although maybe I should get up and walk, I'm in class for another 3 hours, anyway, thought I'd do a quick update. Financial Accounting on Monday nights...other than that the typical. Trying to get my running up as I'm 19 weeks from Nike and that means about 14 weeks to another I might do in September...and only 9 weeks from my goal half that I want to run this summer. I want to get a guaranteed entry into NY and only way to do that is PR in the half...1:38...I really do think I can do it if I can get healthy. I think I need to check into massage and accupuncture to see if it will loosen things up. Was at the farmer's market, brunch and an art fair over the weekend. Up way too early so took a nap yesterday afternoon and then was in bed early and slept so hard and long it felt great. Wish I could do that every night. I'm also in a sad state of confusion over something else I alluded to a while back. Not sure what I'm thinking or how I'm feeling about something...I am a committmentphobe it definitely seems. Sigh...

Cookware!

It's so fun...I appreciate the suggestions from those that commented. I ended up buying a combination of some All Clad, which will be my staple pieces, and a Scanpan fry pan...They will be my non-stick pieces, I got one but will end up buying another one or two. Anyway, the pieces I bought are the staple ones. Stock pot, sauce pan that I can add a double boiler to, smaller sauce pan, and a saute pan. I got the Master Chef2 series, but plan to get some stainless pieces as well. I have at least enough to start and will be able to add things to my Christmas list now! The only problem with the MC2 is they can't go in the dishwasher, but not sure I'd put them in or not.

Also, in other news, I managed to run a good week. I still couldn't get up to a double digit run...ran only 9 yesterday, but did a second 5 miler so for the day I did double digits. And ended the week with 36 miles with having 2 days of no running in there. Hopefully I can continue to add to that...of course that was a bit over since I haven't done a ton of running since Boston and only did 28 last week...a bit too much increase probably but oh well.

A Question to Those who Like to Cook

I decided not to buy the fun little toy...that Solstice I posted about. I'm just too practical to buy something so impractical...and give up some of the other things I might want over the next couple of years. Maybe someday.

Anyway, I still owe myself a birthday present. What I've decided is I want a nice cookware set. I've been doing some research and I think I've narrowed it down to All-Clad or Scanpan...unless someone out there has something else they really love and can recommend? Or I'm considering buying the All-Clad (I'm debating on the stainless or MC2 sets) base set, and then get a Scanpan or two (for the non-stick)...I just can't decided. Help!! If you have nice cookware, what do you have and what do you love about it?

It's Weird How Life Plays Out...

Wow…how time flies and how things change. I remember back to elementary school, when I still thought boys were icky, but knew that they were who you had to marry some day…because that was my plan. I mean you get married when you get older right? That was what I thought at least, so when we played the game MASH, I would choose getting married at 22, 23, 24 and having 1, 2 or 3 kids…and now 20 odd years later, I’m still single, no kids and pretty sure I don’t want them. You just don’t know how life is going to be. It’s an adventure everyday and there are things I’ve learned…

18 years ago I was in love with that boy band New Kids on the Block…was DYING to meet them and never in a million years did I think it would happen. In the last year I met them…twice.

21 years ago, I was running track, 1 mile at most and no one could get me into the 2 mile…no way no how I was going to run that freaking far…I didn’t even KNOW what distance the marathon was…I knew nothing about it. In the last 5 years I have run 7 of them…with the pleasure of qualifying for Boston last fall and running Boston itself a month ago.

16 years ago I didn’t know what I wanted to be when I grew up…college but for what? I’m still figuring that one out, but I’m now in grad school…and it’s definitely helping me move ahead.

When I was a child I never thought I’d get to adulthood, not that I thought I wouldn’t live to it, but that I would never get older, be old enough to do things…I still find it weird to think of myself as an adult. And today was just a reminder again of that adulthood…the anniversary of the day I first made my appearance in this world. It’s actually been a good last year, the upcoming one will hopefully be even better. Lots of new opportunities and I’m looking forward to it. And hey, I'm in a new age group now too for races. And there might be someone new in the picture too...that is for another post...at another time.